Surrender

[desertpine]

I'm needing some feedback again about how to respond to my uNPD mother's most recent letter. We had a difficult conversation last summer and my uNPD/ uOCPD sister and dad got involved as flying monkeys. Since then, my sister and I are NC and I've been LC with both of my parents. I received a written letter from my M a week or so ago. She wrote about how hurt she felt by things I said during the phone call. I think my M has a strong need to be seen as inculpable. And so this letter was all about defending her innocence, and how upset she gets when I don't see her in the same light.
I've been pre-occupied with this, trying to find the right words to say to her. But yesterday, it really sunk in that I'm once again trying to make her feel better rather than looking at what I need in order to heal - I've been taking on her hurt feelings as my job to fix. Then hoping she'd finally see things differently and understand her part in this whole drama.  I have been taking on her feelings of guilt, as though they were my own. But they aren't mine - I feel some regret because I became passionate during the call but I wasn't disrespectful, hostile, or aggressive.
It seems cold to me, but I'm realizing that her hurt feelings are hers and that I need to tend to my own wounds.  I am sad and feel remorseful that she has been so badly hurt by things I said. But I can't help her feel better, especially when I feel upset about what happened during and after the phone call. My sister went on a tirade - calling me names and blaming me for hurting the whole family, saying she never wanted any contact with me again because I was such a terrible person. I had no idea what she was talking about until I reached out to my mom to find out what was going on. My mother says she had no idea that my sister did that,  and that what my sister was accusing me of wasn't anything that my mother was actually upset about. But since she didn't ask my sister to say anything to me, it isn't her fault and there is nothing she can do about it. I mean, I kinda see the truth in that- but it would have meant a lot to me if she had let my sister know that it's not ok for her to take it upon herself to beat me up when my mom is upset about something. But that's not going to happen. They are enmeshed and I am the SG.
And so the word 'surrender' comes to mind.  Maybe if I just respond to her letter by saying that we see things differently, to call a truce, so that we can move forward.
And by moving forward, I want to use MC and grey rock. I won't tell her that, of course, but I think it is what I need to do in order to have a greater sense of peace and serenity.

[Starboard Song]

You seem to me to be on the right track. You certainly don't need to have any arguments with her, or persuade her of anything. Your thought is to call a truce and move forward, with you being careful to stick to MC, never JADEing, always great rocking. Sounds good.

A part of MC -- to me -- is treating the PD party exactly as a we would a stranger on the street. That is, with all of the common courtesy that we'd give a stranger on the street, and of course no more than that. I believe that because I hold that that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. And MC is not about getting even or anything: it is about disengaging enough to achieve peace. If that makes sense, and you agree, you can reflect that in the tone of your response. Giving up free niceties like, "Well I certainly didn't mean to hurt you. I think we both came away feeling hurt. I'd love for us to set that behind us. Can you join me in setting that behind us?"

The little grace notes in such a presentation is like pouring cheese sauce on vegetables. We don't do it because it is the right thing to do. We do it to get the other party to comply. It's easy and it works, so we do it.

That said, steel yourself. You WILL NOT debate the past. You won't defend yourself, or criticize her, or discuss your sister. It all comes back to "I hear you. That's another hard part of all this. But as I say, I hopw we can both put that behind us and move on. I really would love for you to join me in that. Can you join me in setting that behind us?" Whatever it is you feel you can say, always while being true to yourself, write it down and practice it like a mantra. It needs to have various turnaround phrases, so that whatever she says, you can get right back to it.

I hope MC and LC work for you. I hope the tactics from our Toolbox help. So much good strength to you!

Be good. Be strong.

[Hilltop]

I don't know how many times I have wanted my mother to understand or relate to what I am saying but it's like hitting my head against a brick wall, I end up a little baffled at how it went so wrong and my mother is hurt and I am apologising however my mother has never not once apologised.   However the conversation would be different with someone without a PD or toxic behaviour.  I remember trying numerous different methods to get my message across, to be heard or to even have an actual conversation about the problems rather than it dissolving into me getting blamed or told I'm too sensitive etc etc.  I read the book on emotionally immature parents and realized that my mother probably cannot have those conversations, she doesn't appear to be equipped to deal with emotions and if I try to bring up something hurtful that has been said or done she pushes back.  Perhaps your mother is simply incapable of going deeper or having a real conversation. 

Its interesting that your mother said to you that she didn't ask your sister to say anything and so it isn't her fault however I think if you take a step back you will see that you were spot on with what you said, it was hurtful that your mother spoke to your sister and not you and it was hurtful that your sister spoke to you that way.  However that's how flying monkeys (FM) work, the injured person ie your mother doesn't need to ask for the FM to do anything, it is inbuilt and ingrained in them to do it on the injured person's behalf, it is how the dysfunction works.  Your mother goes to your sister and tells her how hurt she is etc etc because she can't speak up herself and she is angry about what you said, her anger is then released via your sister and your mother is left looking like a victim. Your mother then has the FM to tell her she is right and you are wrong and so she continues to feel faultless.  I think it is reasonable that you tell your sister if it comes up again that any issues between your mom and yourself are between you and your mom only and that you don't want to discuss it with her.  That will stop the triangulation.  Its funny that your sister tells you that she is sick of you hurting the family when her words and the things she said were extremely hurtful.  I wouldn't expect your mother to tell your sister that she shouldn't have done what she did, you are an adult now and can remove yourself from those childhood roles, you yourself can speak up and tell your sister that it doesn't concern her, that you don't want to discuss it with her.  You can refuse to play that role of SG.

Then think about the fact that your mother spoke to your sister and not you.  This is also part of the dysfunction.  Your mother should have come to you and opened a conversation but it's unlikely this toxic dynamic will change.   Your mother is confusing you and as you say you feel so sad and remorseful about your mothers feelings, you feel guilt when in actual fact there is nothing wrong with your emotions or tying to be open and honest about them.  That's how SG's are trained to feel, to accept all the fault in the family so that the rest of the family don't have to feel bad.  I'm the SG too and I'm only now starting to see that I'm not to blame for everything and that my emotions are fine it's how I express them that is a problem.  My families emotions are not my problem and their inability to express their emotions is not my problem. Self compassion goes a long way.

I like what Starboard Song wrote for a reply.  I do think it is important to acknowledge your mothers hurt without accepting blame for it.  Like SS wrote "Well I certainly didn't mean to hurt you. I think we both came away feeling hurt. I'd love for us to set that behind us. Can you join me in setting that behind us?" is simple and acknowledges that you both were hurt and then sets the tone for moving forward.

I do think it's important to work on our own healing first before attempting conversations and who knows once our healing is started that need for conversation may go away.  You are on the right track, MC will give you some breathing space however last year when I did MC my parents became more insulting which resulted in me having some time out to continue my healing work.  If your mother and sister are use to getting a reaction from you, you may find they increase their behaviour to get that reaction.  That is not said to deter you from MC because MC will protect you however be prepared with some phrases and think about what boundaries you might want to put in place.

As SS says remind yourself not to debate the past, get some phrases you are comfortable with and practice them.  Remember that the healing work is about you, not them and there will be ups and downs, keep going, be strong.

[Hilltop]

In Common Behaviours there is a great post written by Allpeace at the very top. Manipulation Tactics, start paying attention to behaviour instead of "intentions".

There are many tactics described there which I see your mother doing, it may be a interesting read for you.

[desertpine]

Thank you for the support. Over the course of the week, I realized that I've been displacing my anger about what my sister did, onto my mom. Like a kid, I wanted my mom to take this up with my sister. I was triangulating. Once that came to me, my anger softened. I realized there was nothing my mom could have done - my sister is responsible for her behavior, not my mom. Yes, there are things I wish my mom could could do differently - like come to me directly - but the truth is that my sister will find something to rage at me about. It's what she does and it doesn't matter what I've done or not done, she is like a time bomb. I did tell her months ago that she was out of line, that what is between mom and me, is between mom and me. Then I went NC when she said she wouldn't apologize or stay out of it.
So, my mom and I have agreed to move forward. I did let her know I heard her and thanked her for letting me know what she was upset about. She can't see things from my perspective and I have to find a way to accept that she just isn't capable of empathy. She is good at a lot of things, but not empathy.
I processed all this with my T today. And overall, I'm feeling at peace with letting things be. I don't know what will happen down the road.
I wrote a poem and put it on my wall: Words were spoken that can't be unspoken; Action was taken that can't be undone; Feelings were hurt, may they find healing. A new day ...is begun.

[Hilltop]

I am glad you are feeling better and the poem is lovely.

There is some useful information about flying monkeys in the Personality Disorders section under the Top 100 Traits under Proxy Recruitment.  It explains it better than I can and has some do's and don'ts etc.  I think it's important to remember that people use flying monkeys to regain control over others, so your mother is using your sister as a flying monkey to regain the control she feels she has lost over you.  You say that there is nothing that your mom could have done but keep in mind your mother created this, she is the source of this drama.  Yes your sister is accountable for her own actions but your sister wouldn't have said anything if your mom didn't talk with her and upset her.  Even though they may tell you that you are to blame, you aren't you didn't cause this and you can't control it.  You are not responsible for your mom's or your sister's emotions.

Are you still NC with your sister?  If she rages at you and has said that she will stay involved regardless of what you have said it doesn't sound like she is very supportive of you.  I agree with Starboard Song that you steel yourself now and not discuss your sister with your mother nor discuss your mother with your sister. 

Its good that you were able to have a positive talk with your mom and have called a truce.  At least now you can introduce MC and give yourself some breathing space.  It puts the drama behind you and gives you a clean slate which you can now use MC and grey rock.  Yay.

[Amadahy]

I love your poem and that you're in a peaceful place now ♥️