Still figuring out how to navigate

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All,

I posted a few weeks ago about my revelation that my SIL has some very strong PD characteristics.  She has some very negative feelings towards me, and my brother gave me some insight into what they were (I act like I am better than her, I am a showoff, I don't respect her).   I am now trying to implement some boundaries because I realize that in general nothing I do or say will be taken in a positive manner.  I am struggling on how to do this, while not making it completely obvious to the rest of the family that there is a major issue. 

The current situation- my stepmother is planning a surprise "family reunion" for my father next year.  She reached out to me to get some ideas, and as this is something I love planning, I jumped in to help look for locations.  Then I received a text from another family member, inviting me and SIL to a zoom to discuss budget and requirements for the location- EEK.. that would not go well.  I realized that I needed to back out of the planning process to limit my contact with SIL, but how do you do that gracefully without clueing the whole family in to the fact there is a problem?  I'm not sure if I handled this the best way, but I did the best I could. I spoke directly with my step mother (who by the way has seen the horrific way SIL talks to me quite a number of times, but is still in the fog) and tried to as nicely as possible say that this discussion would cause a conflict between the me/SIL and it would be better if I sat it out.  She was confused and awkward but agreed.  I am open to better solutions and suggestions.

My major concern is that I have an amazing FOO, amazing.  I want to respect my brother's relationship with his wife and the confidence in which he told me a lot of things about her, but I don't want to chip away at MY relationship with the rest of the family.  But I also need to establish my own boundaries with SIL, because now that I understand the full situation, I realize my past attempts at "problem solving" where she was concerned only made things worse.

[notrightinthehead]

If your FOO is so amazing, I am sure your stepmother and others will understand that you want to minimize contact with your SIL, especially as she has witnessed what kind of treatment you have received. Now that you have told her that you wish to avoid direct contact,   could you just be busy every time someone suggests a meeting where she is present?

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Honestly, I always take it with a large grain of salt when anyone on here says their FOO is so great. Generally, people  with healthy FOOs don't marry pwPDs.

Why is it a concern of yours that the rest of the family doesn't know there is a problem between the two of you? Apparently SIL doesn't feel the need to regulate her treatment of you in front of other family members. There's a distinction between acknowledging reality and gossiping/smear campaigning. It's not your responsibility to shield SIL from the consequences of her actions at your own expense.

[bloomie]

Stepping lightly - I think you handled a tricky situation well. You spoke directly with the person who initiated the event planning and you were both discreet and honest about why you needed to step back. That is all that is required and your stepmom can put the puzzle pieces of what she has actually seen and heard herself together with why you need to step back... or not.

Using the tools in the toolbox and glossary here when encountering certain traits from your sil... participating where and how works best for you and staying out of a defensive posture, using discretion when/ if questioned about the change in your level of engagement going forward is a really healthy stance.

There's a distinction between acknowledging reality and gossiping/smear campaigning. It's not your responsibility to shield SIL from the consequences of her actions at your own expense.

How I wish I knew Cordelia back a few years when dealing with my own sil with strong PD traits. Strong, empowering truth here.

You will be faced with these uncomfortable decisions going forward as family events come along because you have chosen to pull back from putting yourself in a position to be mistreated by someone who does not love you as you deserve.

It seems like to date, you have absorbed your sil's meanness making it possible for everyone around you to continue on as if nothing unpleasant or abusive has happened.  Even when they have stood there bearing full witness to it. 

Removing yourself from that position, however gracefully you do so, means that everyone else now has to feel the discomfort and face the reality of your sil's behaviors toward others. And living in the truth of the situation gives everyone the very best opportunity to make better choices themselves instead of staying silent and ignoring your sil's terrible behaviors at your expense for the sake of family unity.

The sad thing is we don't get to have the loving, unified family experience we could have when we have a high conflict, rivalrous, sweet/mean person in the mix. Your sil has sown pain, distrust, betrayal, and discord into the relationship and you are rightly stepping back and that is a consequence that is healthy and appropriate.

And it may make a few folks a bit uncomfortable for a while, but you don't have to carry that discomfort any longer. It's not yours. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.

Let us know how you are! You are making great headway and it is hard going sometimes. We are here to support and encourage you!