Introduction

[Everglade]

Hi all

My grandmother (my mother's mother) was very abusive. None of us knew what was wrong with her, but we knew something was very wrong. I had to go no contact with her in my 20s for the sake of my sanity. She would never have seen a psychologist or psychiatrist (she was perfect; it was everyone else who was the problem) but I suspect if she had, she would have been diagnosed with NPD. We knew that she had been badly abused as a child.

My childhood was horrible, I had so much shame and confusion. I studied psychology at university and learned about personality disorders. I realised that my grandmother was extremely narcissistic. My mother, as my grandmother's scapegoat and number 1 abuse victim, was severely damaged. I was parentified and made into her emotional support at a young age. My mother was also very difficult and confusing for me to handle - guilt trips, emotional dysregulation, chaotic... I also had to go no contact with her for a year, which was really hard and painful. But it was only in her 50s that she was finally diagnosed by her psychiatrist as having BPD. I was so relieved, as it validated my confusing and painful childhood. My mother was also relieved as she finally knew what was wrong with her. She went to rehab, quit drinking, started dialectical behaviour therapy. She became like a different person. Me going no contact was actually a good thing, because it forced her to seek outside help and support and broaden her support network. Our relationship is very good these days. I'm proud of her.

On top of all this, while I was growing up, my elder brother bullied me relentlessly. He would watch me like a hawk and if he saw me doing something 'wrong' he would tell my parents. He would hit me, degrade me, frighten me. I won't give all the many instances of abuse here as I don't want this to be too long. The abuse continued into our teen years and we basically didn't have any relationship at all. Now, in our 30s, he has had a severe depressive episode and went to a clinic. The psychiatrist there diagnosed him with BPD, but his psychologist things he is NPD. So while it's confusing, it's still a light bulb for me to know that his abuse of me for all those years wasn't normal sibling rivalry, that I wasn't just oversensitive.

I became an alcoholic and abused drugs for many years. Five years ago I got clean and sober. I did a lot of therapy and work on myself. I learned about boundaries. I moved to another city and have created a life where I have good, uplifting people around me and am as stress-free in my lifestyle as possible. I have a job I enjoy, a wonderful, kind, stable husband, two cats, a house with a garden, a couple of good friends. I am 39 years old and we have decided not to have children. It seems personality disorders run in our family. I don't want to continue the family legacy of abuse, insanity and misery. I have worked very hard to change the direction of my life and realise I am worthy of being happy and stable. But my brother is a problem. He is abusive to my mother and father. He behaves with me because he knows I will just cut off from him if he abuses me. But I worry. My parents are getting older. They will die eventually. Will I be the one who has to sacrifice my happiness to look after my brother? He has lost his job, and has never been able to keep a relationship (I'm sure you can guess why), and seems to have gone from a high-functioning PD to low-functioning. His future prospects are not good.

I have spent my whole life being battered emotionally by PD people. I don't know if I can face spending the last half of my life looking after my NPD brother. The thought fills me with dread and despair.

[Boat Babe]

Wow, well done to you for getting your life back on track and being so brave and determined. Respect! And to your mother too. I am glad that you both have a much improved relationship. That is all good news.

I am going to say what, I think, everyone else here will say. You are not responsible for your brother. You really aren't.  You owe your brother nothing, zero, nada. He bullied you relentlessly for years and you know that he has the capacity to hurt and damage you further. You have, against the odds, made a good life for yourself. Be proud and protective of this. The O in FOG is for obligation. You grew up in a disordered family and are still a little fOggy when it comes to your brother.

Here is a good place to discuss aspects of your experience and feelings around your PD brother.  This forum is life-saving!

[Everglade]

Thank you, that helps a lot!