The unspoken demand: Sexual coercion

[TooLiteral]

I want to know if anyone else goes through this and if you do, how you handle it.

My uNPDh does these brutally mean things to me, then acts like nothing happened. He'll threaten to leave, tell me he's going to kill himself if I don't do what he says, twll me he needs to be included in all of my personal relationships (excuse me, what?) but if he feels like he's having to force his way in then "I'm a bitch..." Then hours after all of this, he pretends like nothing happened. I am legit reeling over his words and actions and he's laughing and touching my hair.

Sometimes he gets on my case for not "jumping him" (his words not mine) more often. How am I supposed to feel attracted to you when I don't trust you? How am I supposed to have sex with you if all I wantto do is recoil like I've been violated?

He tells me it's my job. That sometimes "we have to do things that we don't necessarily want to do in order to be an adult."

He knows me and sex have a horrific history, so asking me to do this is....cruel.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do you express yourself in the moment? My PTSD goes into hyper-flex mode when he does it.

[notrightinthehead]

Honestly, it appears to me that you are abused by your h in more ways than one. I am so sorry. I also found it impossible to develop sexual feelings after having been treated badly.  Are you implementing the tools from the toolbox?  Do you have a support system in real life? 

[TooLiteral]

Are you implementing the tools from the toolbox?  Do you have a support system in real life?

I am implementing them.... as much as I can. I've gotten to the point where I don't engage him when he tries to push his logic on me (medium chill is a life saver,) but sometimes my PTSD gets the best of me. I do have a therapist with which I work very closely. All of this was less intense until the lockdowns. I am high risk so I spend a LOT of time with him now, with no way to escape to the store, etc. My family lives 120 miles away and they are also high risk. His family is close, but I have tried to go to them before and their position is just that he "is who he is."

I know eventually I will have to leave. But until then, I was hoping someone might have some insight. Or at the very least, a tip or two.

[notrightinthehead]

What really helped me, besides strictly medium chilling and non JADE was to take my mental focus off him and concentrate on myself. My thoughts, wishes, feelings, interests, every time I became aware that I thought about him, and that was most of the time, I made an effort to think about myself.
You are mentioning PTSD, what is your response when triggered? Mine is to freeze, which was really not helpful at all in a fight. So I needed to avoid fights as much as possible. Have you read the book by Pete Walker? Did it help you?
I also found the Loving kindness Mindfulness Meditations very helpful.
By creating a calm environment at home through medium chill and removing yourself when triggered, you not only make life better for yourself, even your PD might feel safer.
As for the sexual coercion,  I can only tell you that after years of giving in and feeling used I was incapable of having sex. I told him that I cannot do it anymore. It took him less than three months to find another woman. I wish I had done it ten years earlier.

[TooLiteral]

You are mentioning PTSD, what is your response when triggered?

My reaction depends on the trigger. But I'm usually a "fawn" reactor. I stay still, make no sudden movements, stop talking, stop looking in his direction.... Because everything I do when he is in that mood is wrong and will set jim off even more. Sometimes, I have been known to go into fight mode, especially if he is belligerent or violent. Hyper aware, but unemotional.

I have read tons of books. I'll have to look back to see what books you're talking about. 

I think that's kindof how I feel about sex with him. I just.... can't. He makes these crude, stupid jokes that are supposed to turn me on I guess? Throw the fact that we havent had sex in weeks in my face? Let me know in a crass, guilt-laden way that he is horny? "Can I die from semen overload?" OR "You wore lipstick today. Does that mean you're gonna suck my dick?"  And this is on TOP of the usual NPD stuff he does anyway. I can't stand the idea of laying next to him to sleep, let alone being intimate.