Seems to have calmed down a bit

[Pepin]

After the huge chat I had with DH around New Year's, he seems to have cooled off a bit...which is good.  It is a much needed relief for me and the kids.  I said what needed to be said though I left out the porn part because I felt that it would have battered DH too much.  But, I will address it as soon as the situation addresses itself next, meaning if I catch him again, I'll ask what is going on without attacking.

I think that DH is acting more even keeled because he hasn't visited with PDmil.  He hasn't even really mentioned her that much, thankfully.  He thought he was going to visit her yesterday (that is right HE THOUGHT without making arrangements).  He called her and she said there was no reason to come over.  Wow.  So she really can take care of herself!     A few days earlier, some work was done at her house that DH didn't need to be present for!  Imagine that!  He handled it all by phone -- proving that yes, adult children can live their own lives from a distance if they really want to.  In fact, pretty much everything DH has done for her, could have been done by someone else and arranged by phone.

I find it odd that their relationship is built around him doing things for her.  I also find it sad.  It is sad because he has been the designated child for this.  I cannot figure out if he is the GC or the SG.  Maybe he is both.  He gets attention though if he is doing things for her.  If he isn't, then he isn't needed.  As a middle child, I think he had to get attention by doing things and the things that he did, he did well. 

He is also the child that was the heaviest.  He ate.  A lot.  His weight set him part from his siblings.  His weight, his academic achievements and helping his parents get things done that they themselves didn't want to do.  They relied on him for so much from such a young age.  DH knows he is a people pleaser. 

One of the points I really tried to drive hard to DH is that in our family, he must be present.  That means that when we have PDmil over or we visit her, that he remains in his role as husband and father.  He can't be dutiful son unless he sees her alone.  It is confusing the way he switches around like this and it is confusing to deal with his behavior.  He becomes a completely different person.  She changes the way he "normally" is by asking him to do things for her that she could pay someone to do or do herself.  She is manipulating him with her "helplessness" - which is also confusing because as a child he didn't think she was helpless....but was blind to the fact that his legwork made her seem strong.

*sigh*  Here's hoping that things are finally starting to click with DH.  One sibling cannot be responsible as caretaker for their elderly parent.  It isn't possible.  He thinks it is and I don't agree nor do I think it is fair.  My marriage and our family shouldn't have to pay while the other siblings skip off into the sunset.  And I am not going to settle anymore for his moods if he is having an issue with his mother.  He isn't going to take it our on us anymore.  He needs to turn that around and work it through with her.