Ideas for releasing anger and dealing with guilt

[feelingandhealing]

Hello. First, I wish to thank everyone involved with this forum.  I have been reading posts for a while. Some of them have moved me to tears due to feeling a sense of community with you as we experience similar emotions and situations on our healing journeys.

I am a middle-aged male ACON. The narc in my life is my uNPD mother. My uNPDM is a textbook covert passive aggressive narc. I am from a single parent home and that single parent is my narc. I have one sibling. I am the youngest child and have been far more enmeshed with uNPDM as a result of continuing to live in the same small city as uNPDM.

I have been NC for five months. The decision to go NC was made during a moment of intense anger toward uNPDM for yet another act of unacceptable behavior. I went NC cold turkey, per se, and have not communicated to my uNPDM that I have gone NC. In the past, I had tried using reduced and limited contact and boundaries. Despite that, the emotional abuse and narcissistic trauma continued. I am very pleased with the NC decision. Immediately after going NC, I started into therapy (which I am still in) and have been reading and journaling. I am also receiving support from my sibling and DW.

Since going NC, there have been several extremely challenging days. Those days were: uNPDM's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Day. On each one of those days, I reminded myself that her behaviours have consequences and that means not being together with her on those days.

Since going NC, uNPDM has attempted to contact me by sending greeting cards in the mail, texting, emailing, and calling. None of those forms of communication have been acknowledged or read and uNPDM has since been blocked.

So why am I here on this forum? I have reached the point of my healing journey where I want and need a support group. There are several things including getting Out of the FOG I am looking for assistance with. They are things that many of us are dealing with as well and include: how to release anger, how to deal with the inner child, how to process the trauma, dealing with grief, and ultimately how to move toward forgiveness. I am also here because I want to give back and share my experiences. I hope to be able to assist any of you along your journey too.

Getting back to releasing anger.... I have been writing letters to uNPDM. I have not been sending them in the mail yet writing them has greatly assisted me, as has getting regular exercise. Any other suggestions would be welcomed.

Getting back to the obligation and guilt components of the FOG.... I have been dealing with those components by deciding sadness is the more applicable emotion to be experiencing and not guilt. Yet that darn guilt keeps popping up. Suggestions on how to deal with guilt are welcomed as well.

Thanks for listening. Sending big hugs  and positive energy to all of you     

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group feelingandhealing-

as another long term NC'er with a parent- it does get better but even though it's been over 20 years since i have seen my uPD biological mother i still have to do the same kind of work to keep her voice from creeping back into my head and bringing the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with it.

as far as dealing with anger- i do heavy work-  movement best suits me when i need that release- i've done everything from the batting cages to lifting weights to jumping on a trampoline and it all helps.   i also found that the more active i am, the less likely i get into a negative self talk pattern where that guilt gets to me.

i also operate on the premise of sorry doesn't fix things.  at the point where i went NC with my mother i was very young, but so much had been done that could not be undone there was no other choice but to walk away, because for me remaining in her reality would of meant lying to myself to keep up a facade and i couldn't live that way any longer and keep my own sanity.

when you are ready to share more we're listening-  hope to see you soon on the boards

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome.

I've been reflecting on what you asked about..releasing the anger. What you are already doing is what I have found works well too. Writing and regular exercise. 

When I went NC years ago there were all these self help books about anger. Some said to find ways to express it. Some said to hit a pillow when it comes up etc..and other books said the opposite. They said no don't animate it and express it physically. I tried both approaches. All I wanted was relief from feeling so angry.

What I've come to believe now is that we can go through a period of feeling intense anger after NC . And that with time and attention(by writing your letters), it does shift more into sadness-  as you are already sensing it will.

Best wishes to you and see you on the boards.

Trees

[feelingandhealing]

Thank you for the welcome and ideas xredshoesx. My uNPDM's voice, comments, behaviours, etc are all still in my head as NC is still relatively new to me. It's been more than 30 years since I was in a batting cage. I think its time to give that a try again. Maybe this time, my bat will actually make contact with the ball 😊  I started my NC practically as a knee jerk reaction and at the moment of going NC, I remember thinking to myself, "this charade ends right now".

Thank you for the welcome, thoughts, ideas and encouragement Trees. Good to know that time will be a contributor to the healing along my journey