Four days, four friends cancelled on me!

[Hattie]

Well, we are back in lockdown in the UK, but we are still allowed to meet one other person from another household for a walk. As I live alone, I have been trying to get out and see people a couple of times a week, as I want to stay connected and feel it is good for my mental health.

My best friend and I were due to go for a walk on Thurs, but then she cancelled on me as she was worried about the virus. Okay.

Then on Friday, the guy I have been dating cancelled on me as he had spontaneously decided to go on a trip the next day and needed to pack.   

So then I arranged some walks for the weekend. Come Saturday morning, a friend cancelled as she had a headache apparently.

And then on Sunday, another friend cancelled as she was tired (she has chronic fatigue).

I have been totally on my own for over a week now. I am feeling just SO lonely. And now totally rejected. I spoke to my therapist today and she thinks that people are picking up on my neediness and cancelling as they feel overly pressured!! So what am I supposed to do?! According to her I need to befriend my inner child and take care of my own loneliness. I just feel this is very abstract and not very workable in a bloody lockdown, as i don't feel resourced AT ALL.

I am also not sure if she is right as it could just be a coincidence and has never happened before.

I just spent three hours crying as I am so devastated by her assessment of the situation. It is a complete Catch 22, and I have no idea what to do. I feel totally alone in the world.

[Andeza]

If you're naturally a bit extroverted, I feel her advice may be a bit misplaced. As an introvert, I'm totally cool with being alone, but it's not for everybody! Sheesh.

By all means, still get those walks in though. Fresh air, sunshine if you can get it, and physical space are so important to good mental health right now! And physical health too! I'm sorry all your peeps cancelled on you. The reasons sound a bit... eh, possibly flaky. But I'm not in your shoes and can't judge accurately. It could be the mother of all coincidences, as those do happen from time to time.

The inner child dialogue has never clicked for me. I'm not sure if that's just who I am, or what, but I'd be equally confused if somebody offered that tidbit up as advice. Perhaps she means something along the lines of sitting with the discomfort? Trying to figure out where it rises from? I'm not sure, just brainstorming.

I don't have any real advice to offer, no solutions for sure, but wanted to hop in and offer some reassurance because you shouldn't have to feel this way.

[Hattie]

Thanks very much, Andeza. I really appreciate your reply.

I do a lot of inner child work with her, so her comment does have a context. You are more or less right, I think she means that I need to feel my pain and sadness rather than distracting myself.

But yeah, I think her view is a bit reductionistic, as actually I think I am more resourced to do that if I actually feel socially connected. I am quite extroverted and find lockdown really hard.

Two of the four friends have a track record of being flaky and one has a chronic illness, plus there is the pandemic. So there are definitely other factors at play.

I guess what she said upset me as there is a part of me thinks she is right, and that is just really painful.

[Janeite V]

It sounds like your therapist (like many therapists) is quite ignorant when it comes to people with disabilities and chronic illnesses.

I have ME/CFS which leaves me housebound, if not bedbound. Even for mild patients, it's very important not to exceed their individual energy envelope lest they make themselves crash - or even make themselves permanently worse (think bedbound with a feeding tube, unable to tolerate noise or light).

The same goes for many chronic illnesses, including migraine sufferers, which is why many people have to cancel at the last minute. If anything, I'd take it as a huge compliment your chronically ill friend wanted to use her limited energy to spend time with you but also felt comfortable enough to cancel.

I hope you don't take these cancellations personally, and can still enjoy your walks even if you don't have company right now. Some people (thinking of the two flaky types you mentioned) struggle with organisation and will accept invitations and cancel them in a very flippant manner.

[GettingOOTF]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. With Covid a lot of the places, activities and people we would have turned to simply aren’t available to us right now.

I also live alone. I am in a high risk category so have pretty much been home alone since March. It hasn’t been easy at all.

I did find that as I healed my relationships with others changed. Some did not like the new me and others I made demands on for  things they simply could not give me. It wasn’t personal. We are all limited in our own ways and some of my friends weren’t able to be there for me in the ways I needed when I was at my lowest.

One the one hand what your therapist said was harsh but on the other hand there may be an element of truth there. I know for me I had a friend who was going through a terrible divorce. I felt her pain as I’d been through a very similar one but I wasn’t able to be there for her because she put so much of her pain on to me. It was all she talked about. I’m in no way implying that this is what you are doing. I’m  pointing out that when we are in the thick of it we don’t know the impact our feelings have on others. During my lowest time I did have a couple of people essentially tell me they couldn’t hear about my ex any more, that I needed to move on. It was shocking and hurtful at the time but looking back I do see how I was giving off needy vibes and I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around.

I think it’s worth noting that this is an extraordinarily stressful and uncertain time for a large part of the world’s population. We only have the capacity to deal with so much. It’s likely that it’s really not you and just that others have already reached their limit and cannot handle any more.

I second that you should still try to do the walks etc. by yourself. I love to listen to music when I walk. I get to enjoy the fresh air and the music takes me out of my head. 

Another thing is that it’s so difficult for people who haven’t been through what we have to understand the depth and complexity of our pain.  That’s what these boards are for. I kNow it’s not the same but you have a small corner where people understand what you are going through and there are always people who take the time to be with you and share.

[notrightinthehead]

I don't know if it is your neediness or their own problems.  As you well know, most people think about themselves more than they think about you. When I have a choice, I choose to not take things personally,  I feel better that way.
I also feel lonely and sometimes bitter that this lockdown prevents me from making new acquaintances. I have had little chats with total strangers on my daily walks,  it is sad that I have to do them alone, still,  after a long walk I feel better.

Sending you a big hug 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Oh Hattie Here's a big hug if you need one, especially because I've totally been in your shoes like this when it comes to friends. I can soooo get in my head about it.

I think the more accurate reality is a bit of column A and column B, maybe a mixture of sensing "neediness" (if you could call it that) but just as likely (if not more likely) they are absorbed in themselves, something else, or they're just not feeling well or up to hanging out.

I think it was a little rash, unthoughtful, and lacked some perception that your therapist used the word "needy." Why give words to behaviors and perceptions that didn't come from the mouths of your friends themselves? You have no idea of knowing they even think that you're needy at all unless you ask them straight. They might not have thought you were needy at all, they were just busy.

I think it's better to simplify it this way (and I try to rationalize it to myself this way too): you were in the mood to do something they weren't in the mood for, or that they were unable to do, so it didn't happen. It's that simple. If it was for any other reason, a friend in a healthy friendship with you would let you know. It's almost always true that people's behavior is more so a reflection of what's going on with them, and not you...and in that case, these cancellations need not be things to take personally!

I've dealt with tons of cancellations and flaky friends....some of them later pull through at other times and in other ways, I realize. It's like a dance. When friends are absent sometimes though, I can (and have) gotten very much in my head about it and feel like there must be something wrong with me (or with them). I do have a really hard time reaching out to any friend and saying I need them for something or anything when I am really low. The thought of that is scary!

I also realize I can't "make" my friends do anything! I can't control them. And that's a good thing, I need to realize, as it means we have healthy boundaries. If friends don't reciprocate what I give them, however, and they flake chronically, I do start to examine the balance of the relationship...I start to give less in certain areas and see what happens. It's always baffling when there's a feeling of closeness and plenty of give and take, and then that tapers off...and you feel the other person tapered off first...

And then I always need to remind myself...."Am I looking for the love I didn't get from family, from my friends?" I've been doing a lot of alone time stuff myself, trying to sort things like that out myself while taking care of my inner child!

[D.]

That sounds quite painful.  I have had times in my life when I really relied on friends to help with giving and receiving love, companionship.  I think all of the ideas from others here sound great.  The only thing I would add is for a healthy relationship w/you therapist I think it very important that you give your T feedback on how her response affected you, especially the tears.  I find that concerning.  It is very important she be aware.

[Hattie]

Dear all, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your responses. They were really thought provoking and helpful. I have been a bit too triggered and overwhelmed to reply properly, so sorry about that.

I am feeling a bit better now, and managed to see a few friends over the weekend (hallelujah!). I will reply in more detail when I'm up to it.

You really helped me to feel understood. Thank you

[Hattie]

Thanks again for the replies!

Having reflected on what happened, I think the cancellations were probably more about the other people's "stuff" than mine. I think people are struggling in lockdown and it is manifesting in a level of selfish behaviour.

It did make me wonder about whether I come over a bit "needy" in general though, and whether I expect too much of my friends. It is a disturbing thought, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it, but there we are.

I think the pandemic and lockdown are just putting all this stuff under a magnifying glass.

Janeite- thanks for your comments on CFS. I'm sorry to hear you're not well. Yes, I know it can be very serious. I have a number of friends who struggle with it. One of whom who was bedbound for many years but who recently recovered and is able to walk and live fairly normally again. It was a long road though.

GOOTF and notrightinthehead- thanks for your comments and suggesting I go for walks on my own instead..I have basically been doing that. I actually have a plot in a communal veg garden and go there to get a bit of fresh air at the moment.

Distancenotdefense- thanks. I get a little confused as to how much to expect from my friends. What healthy expectations are. I used to not ask for help at all. Maybe now I am asking too much? Not totally sure.

D- thanks for suggesting I talk to my therapist. I did, and we were able to sort it out.

[Janeite V]

Hattie, I am glad that after your reflections you are seeing a wider view than what your therapist could. I hope you have been able to enjoy your exercise by yourself or with others.

That's not to say we should never reflect on whether or not they have a point, but the fact that she included at least one chronically ill person as evidence for that had me a little concerned she was one of those who occasionally can't get out of the psychoanalysis mode and looks for such explanations where it is inappropriate. When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, as the saying goes.

I think therapists should be particularly careful in calling people needy. Because it's a unique relationship where it is actually encouraged to completely offload on someone, they might get the impression that you are like that with everyone. But the very fact you are going to therapy shows that you are aware of this boundary.

Also, I am so glad for your friend that she has managed to get to such a good place with her illness! I am sure she must really treasure the times she can walk with you.