Follow your dreams. What dreams?

[Associate of Daniel]

People say we should follow our dreams. Work towards that dream job.  Save for a dream holiday. Etc.

I don't have any dreams.

When I put my mind to it, all I come up with is to retire to a country/rural half acre block, with a vegie garden, wood fire and a dog.  Maybe with a husband, maybe not.

Well. I'm already on a larger than normal block (smaller than half an acre), and I have a few tomato plants and an ineffective open fire place.

So I guess I'm about a 3rd of the way to my "dream". Still waiting on the dog and the maybe/maybe not husband.

I can't think of a dream job.  I have no marketable skills and at almost 51, what little energy of youth I has long since disappeared.

I don't want to have to work that hard to achieve any dreams.

Probably all my energy is going towards simply surviving the day to day.

How does one work out what their dreams are? And how does one drum up the energy to achieve them?

Any suggestions?

AOD

[tommom]

AOD, I know exactly what you mean, and first of all, what you said sounds pretty cool. A half acre veggie garden in the country with a dog a a fire sounds pretty dang fine! And a husband only if its the right guy!. Nothing wrong with that!

I LOVE YouTube and my faves are the small homesteaders like Cog Hill Farm (bigger than I could ever handle!) or the Stivers Homestead. Liz Zorab and Kate at the Last Homely House are both English and so wonderful! Kate really is a quilter/ artist with a garden,... and some chickens. But there are single men and women doing that too, small scale. That sounds like a great dream. Very pleasant.

But I think I know what you mean, though (let me try) it is the feeling that you should want more (However, "shoulds" usually belong to other people. Those aren't our own dreams!) My most recent "journey" into managing my life/self, etc. came from my T. It really has helped me and put me onto a new path of understanding and self-work. Maybe it can do that for you too.

I was talking about or maybe making excuses (something she doesn't take well, bless her) about not moving forward and she said emphatically. "No one can define you but YOU!" To me that feeling that I have a lack of direction in my life relates to how I define and have defined myself. Or been allowed to. Not trying to skip out on responsibility, but as the child of a PD parent, my desires were constantly squelched and my T has explained that affects your decision making skills. If that happened to you, stop blaming yourself. You just need to learn how, if you want to.

Hearing her say that really struck a chord. I had a PDm who constantly controlled my life, replaced by a PDh who did the same. I just don't really know how to make decisions for myself. So I started (doing what we do) reading, talking, listening.

Recently I have found/worked on:
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. (Easy to look up online or on YouTube.) Maslow, from what I have read, was really trying to understand motivation when he created it. It is so self-explanatory, I was amazed by it. Instantly realized what I am missing. Now I know what to work for.

Led me to Ericson's Chart of Human Emotional Development. (who knew charts could help so much! )Looking at it, I began to see WHY I felt the way I did. Helped again. I'm starting to see the holes in my emotional development. Example, my PDm did NOT want me to develop healthy boundaries, She wouldn't have thought that was true, but it was. Now I know I need to build better boundaries (duh!).

And...some of the videos on YouTube from "The School of Life". The best one I found so far may apply to you too, it is "On being Stuck". (Which may be where you are- I am/was) My favorite quote right now is from it: "Our imperative is move those aside" (meaning the forced imperatives of others, mostly parents) "And act with the emotional freedom that has always been our birthright." Wow. OUR BIRTHRIGHT!  We choose. We always could, but we had to know that.

By the way, there are lots of good videos on their channel. I also loved "There is always a Plan B" at this (sounds very similar to yours) point in my life.

I also recently had EMDR. Yeah, that bad a childhood. That, by the way, works like crazy. I discovered from the T that things that happen in early childhood damaged that "my sense of belonging". Working on that one now, too.

If you want to get better, AOD, there is always a way. Maybe it has to be small at the moment, but there really is always a way. That is, assuming you want to, of course. If you decide you want to, you'll find it AOD, just don't stop looking!

[Hepatica]

Wow, two posts this AM that speak exactly to my struggles. Recovery and what are my dreams?

tommom, so much good information there. I am going to delve into everything you shared...  I am really drawn to homesteading.

Associate of Daniel,

I agree with tommom, about dropping the shoulds. When i catch myself in the 'shoulds' which is often, in this world of 'busy pushing' and 'success pushing' I try to imagine life before industrialization and rampant capitalism. (Don't get me wrong though, I am supremely grateful for modern medicine) but the slower way of living, small, cute houses, family farms and slow paced community, even old dirt roads, all make me pine away for a simpler way of living my life. What if it is ok to live this way? What if this tired old earth needs more of us to decide to slow it down to begin a huge healing process for everything (meaning all life forms.)

I am the same age as you and I keep thinking too, about a rural move, acreage, a lovely fireplace and place where I can walk the fields with my dogs. If it could be seaside that would be my dream.... I want to re-wild some land and return it to the wild flowers and the bees, and the birds.

I what you describe and what I wish for as well are dreams. Admirable ones. and if we are brave and focussed, I hope we get it.

All of us here have been through so much. If we want a quiet life to enjoy nature and this earth, I think that's wonderful.

I watched a video last night of a woman who lives in Sweden and does kulning (calling the cows in with singing) and it was so beautiful. All of it stood out but I was expecially struck by one thing she said. She said, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, gives us that feeling of being alive. I totally believe this. Even when we do it just the tiniest bit. So when I feel afraid to follow the dream I have of moving and finding the land I wish for, I will remind myself that it's time to push a little and give myself what I've always wished for. Our past, growing up in disorder, can dampen that in ourselves and maybe me being the parent I wished for, the one that wanted to help me achieve me dreams is what I need to allow to flourish in my own mind. It will take a little daring and courage and that's ok.

[Boat Babe]

I'm not sure you always have to have big dreams and projects. If you haven't got any but your life is good, well, I don't see the problem.  It may be just another stick that we beat ourselves up with. "I'm not pursuing my passion, therefore I am not a great person." That sort of thing. I also think it's become another consumer product in a way, tied in to our relentless economy. You see it in adverts all the time.

I think if you have got a dream, then great but it isn't essential. Certainly not all the time! 

[DistanceNotDefense]

 A concept I stumbled upon for trauma survivors (especially of PD/narcissistic abuse) is the concept of a "foreshortened future."

I'd recommend looking it up or Googling it it's common for folks like us to not know what the future looks like or what to envision for ourselves years down the road; or, inversely, to feel at peace that we don't know what the future looks like.

We couldn't feel safe and were constantly on edge as children to survive; we were trapped in the present moment to get by (and not in a good "mindful" way). This then became hypervigilance as we grew into adults and it really does cloud what the future, and what we want, looks like-- because we feel like we're spending so much energy fighting off dangers, feelings, and thoughts in the present moment. We might sort of be stuck in survival mode and not realize that not knowing what we want is a symptom of that.

There are articles by trauma therapists on how people can work through this, and I would think a skilled trauma therapist would know how to work through this personally with a client on formulating goals and dreams.

[Associate of Daniel]

Wow. I really wasn't expecting such detailed responses.  Thank-you, everyone.

I will add that I've never been an ambitious person. I tend to float through life and respond to what essentially falls in my lap.

The only "dream" I've ever had was to be a stay at home, homeschooling mum. That was ripped away from me when uNPD exH left over 8 years ago. And ds14 left to live with his father when he had just turned 13.  So I'm now an empty nester, 6 or so years earlier than most people, and on my own. I'm still trying to come to terms with that.

I don't think anything can fill that hole, no matter how many or how big my dreams.

I agree that the simple, rural life is a good thing to do and strive for.  But in the mean time, I have bills to pay and savings to grow, from what is essentially just above minimum wage.

And how much of that dream, in my case, is just me wanting to hide away from the world and trying to forget the rubbish of my life's losses and the abuse of my uPDs?

Anyway, I have to go to work now.  To a job that I'm hugely grateful for but don't hugely enjoy. At least, not the part of it that  I have to do today.

AOD

[Hepatica]

DistancenotDefence,

I haven't heard of the foreshortened future concept. Now having read about it, I am going to bring it up with my therapist. I can be decisive at times, but spend a lot of time in floaty, indecisiveness. More than I think is healthy, to have that sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.

Thanks for that information.

[JollyJazz]

HI Associate of Daniel,

Actually I think not having many 'dreams' for ourself is a common thing for those that have survived PD abuse in childhood. I also struggled with this to some extent. I think its partly because we were raised to just focus on others, what others wanted, we continually had to squash our own wishes and dreams. I was very controlled for instance - my parents prevented me from driving for years, and deliberately prevented me from having money - kept me very poor despite being comfortable myself.

It took a lot of time, but I eventually got enough money to pay for driving lessons, and I fought for my own freedom.

Last week I was driving through a wide open landscape, with beautiful mountains far in the distance, I opened the windows so the wind blew my hair, and it was just wonderful, I had a moment of just truly appreciating my freedom.

For me, I've been actively trying to focus on what I like in the past few years. Here are some tactics I've used... going to the library and picking up any book on anything that interest me, trying new things, like a new style of dance or whatever, going on pinterest helped a lot- there are lots of lovely images there - for me I love the idea of a tiny cottage/tiny house, starting a vision board - this is a powerful tactic - you can clip images from magazines, newspapers or whatever on anything that interests you and seems lovely - try and keep the practical part to one side - keep the inner critic away - it doesn't matter if it seems out of reach - its about identifying what you like and would like to aspire to.

Good luck on this journey! I think it will be great to identify what you love

[Associate of Daniel]

There is such a lot for me to unpack in each of your replies.  Thank-you, everyone.

I should clarify that my FOO is "normal".  I had an idyllic childhood and my parents and siblings are very supportive in their different ways.

I'm so blessed in that regard and I'm so sorry that this hasn't been the experience of many of you.

I think my lack of dreams is largely due to my personality in general. My experiences, past and ongoing, with my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife don't help my lack of dreaming,  but I can't blame them for the entirity of it.

AOD

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi AOD - sorry for the mischaracterization! It was wrong of me to make an assumption about your childhood.

Im pretty sure foreshortened future can apply to those who have experienced any kind of trauma - war vets, spousal trauma, etc. if that clarification helps, I think the first time I heard about it was in the concept of childhood trauma.

[Andeza]

I'm going to make a very general and sweeping statement here and then dig into it a bit, so hang in there.

I've noticed that if you don't have big dreams for yourself, society frowns on you and immediately demands, "What's wrong with you?!" All the Disney princess's heads turn 360 degrees in shock.

Nothing. I repeat, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be famous, or extremely rich, or the top of the corporate ladder, or any other pinnacle type achievement. At my last job, they offered me a promotion twice. It would have been a more stressful position, but better hours and better pay. I opted not to go for it and when my boss was flabbergasted with her mouth opening and closing like a fish, she managed to ask why. I told her I was happy where I was and I would miss it if I left it. I had an amazing boss. She respected my choice but always made sure to make the offer again when it arose in case I changed my mind.

But it was the truth. I was happy with everything on my plate. I was happy working with the people I worked with, despite mad hours, and the pay was fine. I had no high level goals or expectations. I was not aiming for a career and so was not interested in fighting for the next spot on the ladder. I was happy and it was enough.

It's okay to be happy with simple things. It's okay to not dream big. AOD I share your vision to a degree. I want a couple of acres, veggie and flower garden, bees, and chickens, and just... simplicity. We're not asking for much, in the end, and there is nothing wrong with that. But there are so many messages out there of "Dream big" "Go big or go home" that sometimes we feel the pressure. Shouldn't we... want more for ourselves? Not necessarily.

If your dreams have been restricted by an outside force, that does merit looking into and exploring. But don't be afraid to say "This is all I need." Contentment is a powerful thing.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I've noticed that if you don't have big dreams for yourself, society frowns on you and immediately demands, "What's wrong with you?!" All the Disney princess's heads turn 360 degrees in shock.

Yes, yes, and yes! And speaking of Disney, the new movie "Soul" is all about that.

We put too much emphasis on accomplishment and not enough on actual happiness and spark.