Anyone else suffer Imposter Syndrome?

[melw82]

I'm not far off the 2-year marker of being free from a 4-5 year-long turbulent relationship with a highly-functioning alcoholic narc ex. His 'discard' was brutally savage and it left me with an emotional breakdown to deal with and work my way out of. I'm sometimes baffled how one person out of the billions of people on the planet could make me feel so awful.

Anyway, this is a positive post! I've done the serious hard work on myself - year-long therapy treatment on a weekly basis. I'm in such an amazingly happy, thankful and loving place from having taken a good long hard look at myself to make sense of how and why I went through what I did. If, for any of you reading this who feel the same about yourself - seriously well done you! You should be so proud of yourself, it's in no way a quick thing to commit to and follow through. And even after this time, I still have some little aspects of damage, which I doubt will ever stop. But, I'm working out how to embrace them to make use of them. If any of you experience the same?

Despite all the positives I'm experiencing and living; I find I compare the present me to a previous pre-narc me and sometimes feel like an imposter. As in all the community things I was once involved in - lost from slowly being consumed by all the trauma. If I was to start up again, would it be wrong to do so, whilst trust or reputation are likely collateral damage? I hope to get back to that state or even better, but I find myself pro-actively preventing myself to do so. It's not making me sad or similar; it's just I'm like a coiled spring ready to enthusiastically pop! I just can't see how to get past the barrier I seem to have created for myself.

Anyone else do this to themselves? Anyone else overcome this? I'm assuming it's related to the rebuilding of your identity?

[tommom]

Mel, you said you worried about "trust and your reputation" might be "collateral damage". I don't understand that exactly. Is your former partner going to attack you if you tell people the truth, do you fear?

[melw82]

That's a good question. I think it's more do with me feeling like I have let down so many from my lack of involvement, within community projects I was previously so heavily a part of. My time just disappeared into trying to "fix" a broken relationship etc

That, if I was to restart my involvement, people would find it hard to professionally trust me again. I've never had anyone actually say this me though.

There is also a tiny fear of having to explain my disappearance, as I don't believe bad-mouthing anybody is ever of any use or a good thing to do. So it does leave a gap to fill. I have confided in a very small handful of people I felt I owed an apology or explanation to. To be blunt, it's no one else's business, as an acquaintance, to know the gory detail.

[Hepatica]

melw82, I am following this thread bc I have similar issues. Everything I write to you, I am also telling myself.

Be gentle with yourself. You are 2 years in your healing process. It takes a long time to recover from a relationship with someone disordered, who broke you down in the way you describe. I think what you've accomplished, in terms of therapy will guide you back to yourself but you will be even better. These kinds of relationships are like pulling the rug out from underneath, and we are never the same. We have seen the dark side of life, the very dark side of life. It exists and the process of accepting that is full of grief and a feeling of wobbly instability. Part of that is because we didn't see it coming. We trusted that people are mostly good. But some people are dangerous. And that is really hard to come to terms with.

But all the skills you learn in therapy and from reading about red flags and everything you've experienced and are now recovering from, will make you better and stronger and wise.

I have struggled with exactly what you are saying about worrying about returning and having people judge me for the break I've taken due to my recovery. That's when super self-respect must come in. You have to stand by yourself and tell yourself it's not your job to wonder what other people are thinking. Some will judge. But many will not. Some will really understand. Things happen in life. Many people get struck in the middle of their happy life with cancer, or car accidents and work their way back to health. When you find yourself in a malignant disordered relationship and get out, it is debilitating for a good length of time. It's okay. It's not your fault. It was the ex's disorder.

You are not the past you anymore. You have much greater wisdom (and of course some extra fears.) It's wise to be respectful of the fear and keep the armour of self-respect and self-love right there as protection.

I am really struggling with "returning to the world" after something devastating with a person in my community and then the rabbit hole I went down when I came to realize (in therapy) that I grew up in a disordered family. Healing this has been my priority. But more and more I feel stronger and more confident in myself and I hope that I can give back to this world the empathy and compassion I have received, however that looks. In small ways, or a big way.

I really understand what you're struggling with. Give it time. One main thing I've found that helps is daily self-compassion and monitoring my self-talk. Am I being kind to myself, being that I've gone thru a type of hell? Because when I'm kind to myself, it doesn't matter what other people do or think. It only matters what I do and think. And as Covid gets beat away, I hope to move back into the world and do something that is healing, turning the negative experience I had into something positive.

[melw82]

You're right Hepatica - being kind to yourself is really important. I exercise this through feeling present. I find keeping my mind in the present helps a lot to combat the negative inner voice.

When it comes to a professional setting - I guess I struggle with it, as reputation is a very fragile balance. One simple negative impact of your doing seems to outweigh any amount of positive you do. As I imagine like with many professions, the one I identify with is incredibly incestuous.

Just wondered if anyone, along the way of their recovery, has any good advice or tips on how to prevent the self-limiting harm your inner voice can do on a professional level.

You are right that I am no longer - and never will be - the same person I was, even before 'him'. I take a bit of comfort in that actually. I think it's maybe dealing with regret. Regret that things I worked on so hard for myself slipped away from me and I'm to blame for that.

Hope you recover well! Wish everyone will / does! 

[Mary]

That's an interesting question about rebuilding bridges on a professional level. I haven't really gone there.

But with friends, I have apologized. I think they are compassionate but watching what I will really do. Family is so glad to "have me back". I didn't realize...how lost I was to them.

[melw82]

Absolutely agree Mary. Apologizing is important, albeit tricky, as you don't want to 'own' their behaviour that's led you here. As that's part of the thought cycle we work so hard to break and change to undo the damage.

I did identify some key people last year, set up meetings with these individuals and explained everything as honestly as I could, without it being a slander exercise. That was seriously tough. It was also a short time into the start of my recovery journey. So I it was hard to maintain rationale. Afterwards I felt it was a great exercise to put into practice rational thinking as part of my emotional collapse I'd lost that ability almost entirely.

These key people also have some professional link back to him in some small ways. But that's up to them how they work with him going forward. Nothing I can control. Like I say, it wasn't a slanderous exercise, it was to explain my gradual disengagement and failings. Taking ownership of things I should be responsible for, essentially.

I'll keep thinking and researching how to overcome it. Maybe I just get back into it headstrong and deal with any repercussions as they happen.