fear of emails -- similar experiences or advice?

[frogjumpsout]

Dear Fortuna, Cat of the Canals, and My New Life, thank you! New Life, those are exactly the feelings I was struggling with before I blocked.  The realization you mention is one I had before -- or at least, I thought I had -- but somehow, couldn't get myself to "pull the trigger."

It still feels hard, to be honest. (And it seems like that's to be expected, based on other posts.) But having the emails in a spam folder, where they won't be allowed to pile up too much before getting deleted, feels like the right idea for me right now. Cat, your advice about the "new email address" is really good, too -- if I'd heard it earlier, I might have done that instead.

Fortuna, I am hoping to follow the path you laid out: fear to indigence to indifference. And yes, I dread mail too, especially around birthdays and holidays. For years, my "parents" have been sending an inedible Edible Arrangement.  The unwritten message I felt coming off of it was something like: "What, you don't like melon or stale Christmas candy? How were we supposed to know? You better be glowingly grateful or you'll get it." 

[AlisonWonder]

Frogjumps out, this is a process and I don't think many people go NC fully the first time.
It felt very strange and wrong, but I collected any birthday cards etc for my husband before he could receive them from my mother, and I made sure he knew I was doing that.  I have found that this thing they have towards us, spreads into anyone they contact and "your" person soon starts looking at you sideways.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but if you must know what is in the emails, could you consider asking a complete stranger to check them for you?  Ask them "has anyone died?" etc.  Then you aren't poisoning your own social circle.
I'm not saying I did this, my mother has passed away now, but I think it could have worked.

One time my husband went on a walk with my mother so I could spend time with my sick father.  She was very charming to him and he still comments on it years later.  He can't quite see that there is more to a person than being intelligent and attentive to male strangers for brief periods.   

I think we need to be totally on the side of our partners.  If they are actually wrong, they are more likely to relax and figure it out this way than if we resist their viewpoint.

Best wishes for your healing journey

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks, Alison! I can completely understand about your husband and the cards. People really have a blind spot about PDs unless they've had similar experiences to ours.  Sorry your NM wormed her way into his positive opinion. It's all so insidious.

And I agree wholeheartedly with:

I think we need to be totally on the side of our partners.  If they are actually wrong, they are more likely to relax and figure it out this way than if we resist their viewpoint.

But, again, people who've not been completely abandoned by their FOOs sometimes take a different view of that. My partner and I used to fight about this exact principle.

I'm going to look at the emails with a longtime friend who comes from a similar family background -- when we both have time and feel like it. I love your question, "has anyone died"? My NM doesn't know this friend and I don't think she can really poison things between us.

Thank you so much for taking the time to think about my issue and send good wishes! Sending my best to you, too!