fear of emails -- similar experiences or advice?

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone,

One of the reasons I went NC/VVVLC in the first place was that I found that I was squashing my own self-esteem in preparation for seeing or hearing from my NM. A few months ago, I told her that we could send each other updates on our lives over email a few times a year, and that was it. She hasn't respected that, of course, and the separate email folder into which I filter her messages keeps filling with what I predict are poison-pen letters . . . and the part of me that squashes my self-esteem goes to work.  Checking the folder infrequently (about 1x/ week) doesn't seem to be helping my anxiety as of yet. Nor does finding out that the letters are not as bad as I'd imagined (there's always next time?)

I already don't read her emails -- instead, my partner does, and I've asked him to only tell me the bare minimum. But then I worry that she'll figure this out and include something just awful about me in her letters, and this awful thing will make my partner (of 15+ years) decide to leave me. Clearly, I'm not in a super-rational frame of mind at the moment.

I don't know whether this is something to which I will eventually adjust, or whether I need to check the folder more/ less often, or whether blocking her on email (and then possibly bringing on some in-person stalking) is the only way. 

Thanks very much for reading. Any advice or shared experiences are welcome!

[Andeza]

As I reduced the level of contact I maintained with my uBPDm, I found I dreaded every avenue of communication. I didn't want to hear or read more of her moods, or hear her trash people I love, or have to sit through the litany of medical woes. It was doing a number on my health and totally ramping up my anxiety levels. So... I went full NC. She is blocked everywhere. No email, no text, no phone calls. I don't have social media, so that simplifies things, and we live very, very far away.

You will, of course, have to decide what your healthiest course of action will be. The goal isn't necessarily to desensitize yourself to the disordered behavior. The goal is to protect yourself. If that looks like full NC, then that might be the right choice. Maintaining contact that keeps you in this headspace, however, is tantamount to torture. It is keeping you in a near constant state of fear.

I can't tell you what to do, just offer what I see from your words. I can tell you that going NC has allowed me to make leaps and bounds in my healing progress. It has given me to the space to clear my mind of her nonsense and see the world as I ought to see it uncolored by her. It has been a relief, a very peaceful year overall, despite the state of the world incredibly. I think that had I been in contact during this whole pandemic deal, it would have been absolutely horrendous.

[Hilltop]

My parents mock me but can also be ok, like you it's a bit of a surprise package as to what I am going to get, so I had reduced contact until last year it seemed like every visit included mocking and the last visit I went on I just walked away and sent an email saying I needed space and that was it, I haven't contacted them since.  I found as I was driving to see them that I was angry and reacting already in anticipation to spending time with them.  I really just felt like I couldn't do it anymore, it was a year of weirdness and yet I knew talking about it wasn't going to help as my parents cannot have those sorts of discussions so quite simply I gave up.

I have felt so much better since and feel that I can actually help myself without being dragged down into a new hurt or frustration.  By continuing to see them I just had new hurts added in so I don't think I ever had the ability to work on old hurts because I was mostly in this state of confusion and anger. It's for that reason that I also blocked phone and email.  I feel more clear headed and more relaxed.

Whichever course of action you decide to take, it has to feel right for you.  Perhaps looking at the emails once a week is too much for you.  You did say that your original boundary was to email a few times a year.  Just because she isn't respecting that doesn't mean you can't stick to your own boundary.  You could try opening the emails every 3 months and see how that feels.  Then send one yourself every 3 months.  What level of contact do you really want to have?

[SunnyMeadow]

But then I worry that she'll figure this out and include something just awful about me in her letters, and this awful thing will make my partner (of 15+ years) decide to leave me. Clearly, I'm not in a super-rational frame of mind at the moment.

Sadly, your feeling of her including something awful for your partner to read seem very rational to me. For years, my uNPDmother was my closest confidant and best friend 

She liked it that way and groomed me to be even closer to her. She told me things about her past that lead me to believe we were so much alike and I could tell her my deepest, darkest secrets. Then years later, I went NC for a while and to get me back.... she very subtly dropped a bomb that she wouldn't hesitant to spill the things I had told her.  Nice, huh??

I fear emails from my mother too. She can absolutely tear people down, tear me and my children down. She's a disgusting person. She spends weeks writing and rewriting emails to people until she conveys just the right amount of hurt and drama.

I don't know that my mother would ever think my husband is reading my emails though. But she wouldn't hesitate to write something to me that would shock him. I personally wouldn't have my partner read emails from her. Maybe you just read them once a month or something. I like Hilltop's advice of opening them every 3 months, then sending her one (very generic email) every 3 months. Completely blocking her from email would be ok too. Are you planning to go full NC again in the future?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am VVVLC and yes, I too fear NPD parent's emails. You can add voicemails and anytime my landline rings too because I cannot block that. When I listen to their voicemails just hearing their voice gives me slight nausea and I kind of want to throw up.   
       
That fear and anxiety upon interacting with them, even if not in-person, is telling us something. I think at a very basic level it is alerting me to danger that this person is harmful to me. How we respond to that, I think is up to each of us to decide. Personally, I decided I would only listen to messages every 4-6 weeks to make sure they had not died and I would call back only if I wanted. Regardless of my infrequent contact, for the last two years they still keep hammering away with emails or calls where they leave a voicemail every other day. I feel like they are trying to beat me into submission.     
   
I assume they demand enmeshment and their endless energy to keep hammering me with messages is fueled by their increasing anger toward me the more I keep my distance. When I do call, never are they ever any better toward me. Actually it is worse. I suppose this is evidence that NPD people do not change, so decide what is best for you and stay the course. 

[frogjumpsout]

Thank you very much, Andeza, Hilltop, SunnyMeadow, and Blueberry Pancakes! After reading your message last night, Andreza, I blocked not only NM but also enmeshed/alcoholic/empathy-less F on my cell phone and email.

Blocking on email puts messages in a spam folder, so, Sunny, I can look in it every 3 months and see what came recently. At the moment, that seems scary to me but I may feel up to it in April. And if not, it's morally okay, right? I told her we could "try" that level of contact, after all. She never agreed, suggested a schedule, etc. And it's not working for me, in that she's not respecting the boundary I set. I keep repeating to myself something I once heard about how it's our right & responsibility to keep ourselves safe.

The thing is, I feel like my partner (who has comparatively normal parents) would think this blocking is excessive and maybe even cruel. I yet haven't told him -- although I will if this seems to be working over the next few weeks.

But seeing the emails in the folder, then going and getting him and waiting for him to read was doing a number on my nervous system in itself. (She was my "confidante" for a long time, too, Sunny -- in part because she isolated me from family with her gossip and insults about all of us, and from my friends with her putdowns and demands.)

Hilltop, that is such an inspiring story! Thank you for sending it. I admit I'm a little jealous at the lack of stalking.

Blueberry, thank you for sharing your experiences and your wise words. "Beat into submission" seems like the right phrase, as is "hammering away." I'm very grateful for this:  "NPD people do not change, so decide what is best for you and stay the course."

And as for me: as soon as I blocked, I felt relieved, guilty, & frightened of "getting in trouble." I couldn't sleep last night. Today, I'm very sad, which I think is actually a good sign -- grief at an ending.

Thanks so much to all of you for your quick, empathetic, insightful responses. I hope this day and week are going well for you.

[DistanceNotDefense]

And as for me: as soon as I blocked, I felt relieved, guilty, & frightened of "getting in trouble." I couldn't sleep last night. Today, I'm very sad, which I think is actually a good sign -- grief at an ending.

I relate to this so much. So many good stories and advice here, too.

I also have a partner that finds the blocking of FOO cruel and unnecessary. He's starting to get it, slowly, especially when I explained how every communication seems geared to make me loathe myself (and that's how I feel after every message)

Even just yesterday I fall into doubt and think, is all this blocking necessary? Is there a higher road/bigger person scenario I'm just not seeing?

But when I feel unsafe with every message, email, etc. (even ones that are mostly innocuous) I just gotta accept somethings up and the space is essential, and it's an important instinct I'm following.

I'm even having repressed memories of childhood surface the deeper I go into NC, and that are starting to explain these gut instincts of being fearful....it is amazing.

[Boat Babe]

We have the right and the responsibility to protect ourselves. Wow. And I think part of our healing work is in knowing this in a very deep and secure way. Thank you all for your honesty, courage to be vulnerable, authenticity and compassion. What a great thread.

I think you've done the right thing frogjumpdout (love the name btw) . Stick to what you said, check every three months, or less, and start work on regulating your emotions as a first self care project. Six months down the line you'll be in great shape. Hugs.

[Hilltop]

Frogjumpsout, my parents are rejecting and dismissive so yeah no stalking although they are blocked so I don't know if they have tried to contact or not.  I remember feeling guilty and scared when I did it.  I thought to myself what have I done, I should have handled it differently, I am being over the top, how do I undo this but I sat with those feelings and let it go.  Eventually those feelings faded and after about a month I felt better.  So if you feel anxious or like you are going to get into trouble just keep telling yourself that you are an adult now, you are not in your parents home and that you are safe now.  Just sit with the feelings I couldn't sleep either the first night but just acknowledge the feelings without acting on them, it gets better.

I didn't realise how revved up my body was with all the stress and it's taking me time to calm down and de-stress.  I actually felt for the first time the other day a feeling of fear within me, there was no reason for it but it was there, I am usually so pumped up with anger, hurt and anxiety and stress however now that I have relaxed I am now able to start feeling underneath that.  It goes to show how my body reacts to that nervousness with even small amounts of contact.  Hopefully given some time you will feel yourself relax away from those nervous feelings.

My husband didn't really get it either until he came with me for a visit and was uncomfortable and then he understood a bit better.

The initial stage is hard but if you work out what you are comfortable with, how often you want to check your emails, stick to that and put it out of your mind for the rest of the time.  Then start working on taking care of yourself because you are right we do have a right and responsibility to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves.  Hopefully you'll be sleeping better soon.

[Amedee]

Hi everyone,

One of the reasons I went NC/VVVLC in the first place was that I found that I was squashing my own self-esteem in preparation for seeing or hearing from my NM.

Wow, that sentence hooked me.  I am VVVVLC with my entire FOO.  My mother sent me a short email the other day.  I just skimmed it.  The email was pleasant enough, but almost immediately I felt a powerful wave of defectiveness and repulsiveness wash over me - a feeling I only associate with FOO.  I've learned that I always had to squash my own self esteem to function within the family.  When I stopped doing that, things there got extremely uncomfortable and disturbing.  Having cut ties is it's own flavor of misery, but I wasn't able to achieve enough healing and peace of mind while in contact.  Those aforementioned feelings would just swallow me over and over again.  Life is good, but this is just so sad, no matter which way I slice it. 

[BettyGray]

Block, block, block, and block again.

You deserve peace. All it takes is a few buttons and lots of resolve. You can do it!

[frogjumpsout]

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on and read this thread. I've been feeling some guilt this weekend, over not having explained what was happening to en/drunky F and this helps.

DnotD, yes, the thoughts about the "higher road" chip away at me too. They're seductive. I think "If only I weren't so sensitive..." (now that I think of it, that was something NM said about me in the last email I read before blocking.) I think everyone on this board has already tried so hard. If there were another way to preserve ourselves, we would have taken it. I'm uncovering new memories too -- as well as, occasionally, more self-compassionate perspectives on old memories.

Thanks, Boat Babe, for the kind words and practical advice, which I've copied into a "how-to" document for myself.

Hilltop, thank you! All of the emotions you describe were/ are mine as well. I bet other people reading find your description affirming, too.  And rejecting/ dismissive is awful.  Why do people like that have children? 

Amedee, you put it so well: "a powerful wave of defectiveness and repulsiveness."  After seeing my parents, I used to ask my partner, such fun questions as: "So, do I suck in, like an empirical and comprehensive way?" And I feel the same way about life being better but so, so sad.

Thank you for the encouragement, Liz!! Maybe someday we can form an NC cheerleading squad?

[Boat Babe]

I think we already are!!!

[Idnaoniw]

I asked years ago for no more cathartic novel emails. That helped some but you know the drill time goes by and BPD mom pushes boundaries and does email vomit.  Recent events in our family and she's been spewing more and more.  I work to glance thru them quick and pull out the facts vs. the BS.  It is hard as it is not effective to let a PD person rant and ramble as its some warped sense of validation.  The other side of it is, for us, I feel that when confronted and having to own behavior it does provide documentation of the bs. vs. her getting away with rewording the truth.  Either way its an energy sucker and maybe just work to establish rules of engagement?  I usually envision circus music being played when I read the emails.

[frogjumpsout]

You're right, Boat Babe!

Idnaoniw I know what you mean about "cathartic novel emails" (although my own NM lately favors long numbered lists with some numbers missing.) I think your strategies of skimming and imagining circus music are good! Before I went NC, I filtered emails from my "parents" into a special folder . . . maybe that would help?

When you confront your mom with evidence, does that change the relationship? Or is it more like it's helpful to have the emails to validate yourself later, if you start to have doubts?

[Idnaoniw]

frogjumpsout-

great question about it getting better or not.  It hasn't/doesn't maybe, in hindsight, just saving them for my own sanity.  Just yesterday reviewed one from 2014 and had the same short pseudo-apology followed up with a lengthy explanation.  I've had a fantasy of cutting and pasting the actual apologies over the years in singular email and sending it.  That would feel good in moment but serve no purpose as she isn't capable of changing at this point. 

[frogjumpsout]

I hear you, Idnaoniw -- it's so frustrating that they refuse to see the truth! That fake-apology-king (like a rat-king?) would definitely be appreciatively read on these boards.

We all deserve to be treated honestly and respectfully. I'm sorry that your NM has denied you that all these years. It makes me angry!

[Fortuna]

I swear with NC or VVVVVLC in dealing with PDs it's like there's fear of something everywhere you turn. I flat don't check the email folder I've filtered her into. I think I checked once when her state was really high on pandemic numbers, just to make sure but I try not to. But the one time i did check i had to mentally prepare myself to do so. I've been trying to tame the 'what if 'voice in my head so it doesn't over run me with worry. (What if she shows up and just walks in, or has a tantrum on the front step,what if she starts making spurious calls to the police or CPS, What if her latest shenanigans of changing the address of some of her mail is to try ad do something nefarious with credit or tenancy or what not, what if she showed up at the kid's school...) I dread going near the mailbox around the holidays and birthdays now.

Somewhere along the line alot of the fear has transitioned to indignant anger. Hoping one day it can lead to indifference where I don't get momentarily worked up at her latest hoover but have things in place to mitigate any actual damage she could do for all those what ifs. Seems you are doing the right things in not even reading the emails. If it's stresses you out don't do it as often. If you are worried about her trying to manipulate your husband, one it might be time to work on your inner self so you feel more secure in your relationship though therapy, self help books etc, and it may be time to consider even less contact if you don't trust her not to do that. Protect your mental health.

[Cat of the Canals]

FWIW, as far as blocking an email, most email clients (like gmail) simply send blocked email messages to the spam folder. So she wouldn't even know you've done it.

Another option might be creating a separate email address for her emails and telling her you've changed your email. That way, instead of it being your normal email address that you probably check everyday (and then see the number of messages from her piling up in the filtered folder), you could choose when to look at it (or have your partner do so). Once a month. Every three months. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

There should also be a way to do this without even telling her - you can auto-forward emails from her address to the new mom-only email and have them auto-deleted from your regular account. So they'd be shunted off to the dummy address and you would again be able to decide how and when you want to deal with them.

[My New Life]

I went NC twice.  The first time taught me how to do it correctly the second. 

The first time, I allowed emails, flying monkeys (messages from family members from my NM), texts, etc.  The level of verbal abuse was appalling.  When I look back on it, I am ashamed I accepted it, and for getting pulled back into contact with her.  Going NC but allowing emails, etc means you are still living in relationship with a narcissist, which is fine if that is where you are in your journey.   For me, I was even more exposed than before.  I could not live with the heightened sense of never knowing when the next blow was going to come; what it would be; who it would be said to; what I would be accused of; and then the  smattering of friendly "Hey, what's going on?" innocent correspondence that made me feel as if I was making the crazy stuff up or maybe just exaggerating it?  It was just too much.  The only part of the relationship that was truly NC was I was not inviting her to my house.  It was not enough to protect my Self.

The second time I went NC, I blocked her on everything.  Blocked email, phone, FB, and told all family members they were fine staying in contact with her but could not deliver any information about her to me.  I think, for me, I finally realized she was never going to change and I could not survive in relationship with her anymore.  And that, though a very sad realization, gave me the strength and resolve to truly go NC.

I know every situation is different.  I wish you strength and peace as you go through this very challenging time.