So shut down right now. I just want to sleep....

[TooLiteral]

This morning we woke up to two of our dogs being sick all over the living room. I cleaned it up. As usual. He launches into a diatribe about "the mess." Or should I say The Mess. The Mess can change from day to day, but it's always things like too many cups in the cabinet (where else should I put them,) too much stuff in the drawers, crumbs on the countertops, a couple of drops of water on the kitchen floor... The Mess is the bane of his existence. He pulls a box of ziploc bag out of a drawer and throws them across the living room. They flitter to the floor like snowflakes. He tosses plastic forks and spoons all over the floor, ranting and raving about The Mess and how I can't seem to get anything done in "this house." I just walked away. Took a shower. Dried my hair. Put on makeup. He yelled up to our Aspergers son to wake up (causing him to be agitated and worried, making him tic out. Then a couple of hours after he was gone to work he texts me "I love you, I'm sorry. Sometimes the mess is just too much."

I feel so shut down right now. PTSD completely triggered. I just want to sleep. I want this day to end. This happens over and over. I just forgive him. And he does it again. I just cant.

[SparkStillLit]

I am very familiar with The Mess. It's called The Clutter here, but it's the selfsame thing. Right down to the mugs and the drawer contents and the cupboard contents....well, you know. He doesn't throw stuff because that's a hard line, but he says all that very same stuff. Yells at kids.
I am so sorry you deal with these same things. Just want to say you're not alone, at least not here. HUGS.

[blew]

I was reminded again tonight just how horrible I am about cleaning the stovetop and the counter.  I could clean these surfaces ten times a day and it would not be enough.  So, yea, I get this.  No matter how much you clean or declutter, it will never be enough.  Never.  They will always find some item that wasn't cleaned or some place what wasn't tidied enough.  This is just what they do.  For me, it's getting worse...

[Matteblak]

WOW! So familiar. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the burden of impossible expectations. It's not you. They see themselves as impossibly dirty and think that by focusing on the mess around them and then blaming you for it, they won't feel as broken. The mess is a mirror and if your PD is anything like mine, they HATE anything that reflects them...

Not sure about anyone else, but what makes this worse at times is that S leaves clutter everywhere (dishes left on the counter right next to an open dishwasher...), then rails at me and our son over a stack of paper that is not even or some other whatever.

[TooLiteral]

Thank you to all of you for replying. It makes me feel so much less alone.

[1footouttadefog]

I was ruled by the mess thing also.  At some point I pushed back.  It started over kitchen stuff.

He was on a weord med at the time akd sat at the kitchen counter all day. He woukd watch my every move.  Then angrily say things like wow just get water slall over everything, this place is a shit hole anyway so dont bother cleaning it up.  Reality was i had dripped water after washing my hands quickly so I could take something from the oven.  The house was new, less than two years old.

It was like this about salt on the cou ter top when salting the meatball mixtire that had soiled my hands and on and on. I got to where I would turn off the burners or oven and leave so he could clean it up himself.  Everytime.  This eventually ended it.

Over time he dropped the whole being a neatnick thing and now sits all day and does nothing.  I tried to push back be refusing to clean his areas of the house. Yesterday we had to clean and dissinfect his room as it was caising allergies for him amd one of the kids.  Too much dust and pollen from him sleeping with windows open at night in winter and fall.  Also his tub was super nasty and the shower curtain needed thrown out as biohazard.

I told him a while back if I was going to be his skullery maid, I would be well paid and that I would not be having sex with the boss.  After spending 4 hours in the room and its bath cleaning and scrubbing, I ordered some vintage birding binoculars and a folding bike off of ebay.  I plan to take some trips to state parks soon. 

My life is going on.

[SparkStillLit]

I kind of pushed back, too. I goodwilled a bunch of kitchenware after one of his fits.
I REALLY regret it. NEVER AGAIN. He doesn't use it, he gets ZERO SAY about what is and isn't in there. I have replaced much of it, and if I want colored Pyrex, I WILL HAVE IT.
Here's the weird thing, too. He doesn't even remember. Doesn't care about those items now.
I read about this in Stop Caretaking the N/BPD.
They forget whatever they threw a fit about all together. It's over and forgotten, literally, for them, while you're left with the aftermath. And they don't understand what your problem is.

[Fae Greenwood]

They forget whatever they threw a fit about all together. It's over and forgotten, literally, for them, while you're left with the aftermath. And they don't understand what your problem is.

I have been informed that I need to "let things roll off my back." I responded that I'd done that for a long time and realized that my back really hurt because of all the stuff thrown at it. His version of letting-things-go is to tell me how awful my choice was and how everything would be all better if I just did what he told me and then professing mystification about why I'm angry later. I'm so tired of always being wrong. Always.

And our new kitchen was "ruined" because the sink got dirty. Not just the sink ruined, mind you, the entire remodel was ruined. Usually remarks like that are made while he's prone on the couch or eating food I just made him or complaining that he only has one clean pair of underwear while I am literally doing laundry.

[TooLiteral]

They forget whatever they threw a fit about all together. It's over and forgotten, literally, for them, while you're left with the aftermath. And they don't understand what your problem is.

This is a huge thing. My NPDh says things like "I never crossed any lines" or "I have no control over any of this." They quite literally do not see it as abuse.

[BettyGray]

Yikes. This is undoubtedly a control thing, almost OCD. In a way, I can understand, because I despise clutter - it makes me feel claustrophobic  and makes it harder for me to keep a clear head. But in your husband's case, this is a pathology.
These are everyday, normal things - mistakes happen, things spill, pets make messes. But for him they are extremely triggering. Was a parent ridiculously obsessed with order? Was he punished when things were out of place? There's a root somewhere.

You're exhausted because this is energy vampire behavior. Plus, in the grand scheme of what's important, who cares about insignificant messes? I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Happytobefree]

Wow!  I honestly never thought this was a BPD or NPd trait.  I assumed it  was only about clutter and control!

2 weeks after I married my STBXunpdH, I came home to a borrowed pickup truck in our driveway loaded with all of my stuff.  Decor, shelves, my CD system, my printer, all of my CDs...ready to go to Goodwill.  I was shellshocked and couldn't speak, and when I finally did, he replied, "Babe, we talked about this!"

W.T.F.

He had moved into my place because the mortgage was less than half of his, and proceeded to complain about how "cluttered" it was (my friends know me as being a minimalist) and hated anything that was "outdated" - like my CD stereo system.

1 month after I filed for divorce, I went to Goodwill and bought back 13 of my CDs.  It was very symbolic!  That was the day when I began to take my life back.

[1footouttadefog]

It is possible to emotiinally disengage and no longer care what words are coming out if their mouth for the most part. 

However when you stop valueing them in the bad times theornimoirtanfe in the good times also diminishes.

Then at that point one can start to realize how much of what goes on is not genuine, but rather a manipulative facade of actions, words, and manipulations intended to get them what they want at the moment. 

Its notnthatnthe emotiins are not felt, ots that they are all self centered. Anger that theybare not getting that they want for example can look like anger at us more than it really is, when its actually child like anger ar not getting their way. Once we relent they are all great again ajd we are left as a previous poster said with the aftermath.

We have residual anger/anxiety over an interpersonal issue when for them it was never about us in an emotional connection way but rather we were a tool that can be emotionally activated, manipulated for them to get what they want. 

Once the object of desire, action if desore, access to something is aquired they are all good.

When I figured this out, I felt very olayed, betrayed and wondered of there had even been any real emotional connection.  I felt foolish for having played the game for so long, and angry thst I did not know the difference.

I had had some close friendships some with males over the years and felt guilty about emotional comfort they gave me. I felt guilty that I needed affirmation and validation from my friends and church members etc. 

I realize now these are normal things and thst the lack in my marriage made them more important when found elsewhere.  I also discovered that pds will ruin these friendships and relationships and interactions intentiinally to starve us of that validation and affirmation so wjem they want to dole out some counterfiet counterparts as manipulation it works better for them.

Keeping us down with constant petty complaints and unrealistic exoectations might be them playing the power role they suffered under as a child.

We have the power to break many of these cycles.  It can immensely reduce the abuse in the relationship, but can also reveal that there is not much left.

[BefuddledClarity]

It's funny when my partner says how "dirty" the house is, despite the fact he also NEVER cleans up after himself and I'm continually cleaning the house. He gets mad when I point out, "Hey, you left your socks here" or "Could you please put away your lighters/pocket knives so little one doesn't get to it?" And "Could you please empty your pockets for your clothes when I do laundry? It makes it a bit easier for me".

He'll clean every once a month while I'm cleaning about 2-3x a week and he likes on. It's frustrating.

I've tried the "don't clean and let him do it" method but I don't want my son to suffer from a dirty house because his dad hardly ever helps.

Also, I get a just a tad bit irritable when he complains about dirty home WHILE I AM CLEANING.

[TooLiteral]

Was a parent ridiculously obsessed with order? Was he punished when things were out of place? There's a root somewhere.

The opposite. His parents were hoarders. And absolutely dirt poor. He lived a childhood of poverty and filth, and I mean that very literally. So, the trauma he has dealt with in his life is very real, and I acknowledge that, but he refuses to get help for it.