Shouting into a void

JustKeepTrying · January 22, 2021, 12:50:03 AM

Background - divorced, adult children and my youngest in his last few months of senior year high school. divorced from a diagnosed OCPD husband. I have stage iv cancer - living with it for many years now and the pandemic has made it worse. immune-compromised. my son wanted to attend a few classes in person and the rest online. he has issues so it would limit his exposure to the virus. ex said he wouldn't live with him and I can't risk it. so he went to live with friends who today said my son needs to find other accommodations. I get it. not their kid. technically he's over 18 so not a kid. I found him a place for the next few days and we are waiting for our vaccination but that could be months. school not overly cooperative - if they would allow him to do his work from home he could stay here and go back to in-person when we are vaccinated

what does this have to do with co-parenting? my ex kicked him off his health insurance and not supporting him at all. my other children have no problem with it. i am so angry with him. it is so cruel. no contact in five months. it all feels like insanity. I never thought he would go so far as to kick him out and refuse to support him.

part of this could be filed under the working on me section - but I am only now realizing how much I covered for him. how hard I worked to normalize his insane rationalizations - his kids never knew and we lived in the same house! my eldest argued with me about how much dad is hurt by this - what? what about the kid? what about your brother? or should I risk my own life (I would not survive covid)? I know that I cant. I know that there isn't really anything I can do about him. its not my problem anymore. not my responsibility to make my ex be a better person. but also now I am shouldering this on my own. that reality is hard. for thirty years of marriage, I believed there was a shared burden. I was wrong and now I see it clearly. I raised three kids and pampered one adult

I just needed to talk to a group that understands. a group that has experienced the insanity of living with a person who has random shifting rules that make no sense. I know we will find a way - if I have to borrow against retirement to rent him a temporary efficiency apartment for a few months before we are vaccinated - I'll do it. somehow. but it stinks. ( I want to yell curse words into a void and just scream)

thanks - leaving this here is helping to share the burden

Latchkey · January 23, 2021, 02:49:25 PM

Hi JustKeepTrying,
The problems with parenting adult children with PD co-parent do not get magically better when the child turns 18 and we definitely understand that. COVID has thrown a whole other dimension into this especially with high school and college age teens. Please don't ruminate on the past when you need to focus on your health and healing.

I don't have a lot to offer by way of advice for this situation unfortunately. My DD 21 and 23 are both out of high school and have very low contact with their PD Dad who lives in another country now we think... and one DD is working and living at home and the other in college and living on her own in an apartment during the school year. Both of my older kids see others and have some limited social interactions but not a great deal and we don't do a lot of close interactions. It's my way of protecting myself but I do not consider myself immune compromised. My DS 9 is remote schooling and his PD dad and I agree on keeping him remote though the school is offering hybrid.

How are things going this week? Could he stay with one of his siblings or a relative? Does your DS have a possible solution for this situation, what is his take on all this?

Latchkey

JustKeepTrying · January 25, 2021, 12:00:35 AM

Thank you Latchkey for your support.

This weekend, my ds stayed with a family friend. They watched movies, pizza and played video games. There was real interaction and jokes. I think for awhile he felt normal. Loved and protected. I am grateful.

His school called late the day after I posted. His case is going to be reviewed. I went up the chain and pled my case. I am hoping for a good resolution. But I am prepared for the worst. I just want to bring him home. I want my highschool living with me. Is that so crazy? He was actually thinking of living in his car - in January where it goes below zero.

And then my xOCPDh texts wanting ds report card. What? So weird. didn't ask how he was just wanted his report card. I think he gets an insurance discount with it.

Sigh. I get frustrated - life doesn't have to be this messy.

Latchkey · January 28, 2021, 10:23:33 AM

Wow, I am glad you are fighting this with the school. You should mention him being homeless due to their not supporting his learning during the pandemic and cc the district superintendent if you can not get a resolution. I can totally believe the report card/likely insurance discount request but that doesn't make it any easier to understand. Keep us posted!

JustKeepTrying · January 29, 2021, 10:51:35 AM

Thank you Latchkey for the support. I have been going crazy with worry but I think we have a temporary solution.

I went all the way up the chain and the school district said no. I did not even get a call from the homeless liaison. Just a flat no all the way to the superintendent. Hearing about the difficult, extended family of a friend of his offered their attic. They cleared out a section and gave him an inflatable mattress. I will pay the extra cost in utilities. It is not optimal but it affords him some private.

Who knew all those years in camp with scouts would prepare him for this?

I am still very angry and so glad that he graduates in May. I can not wait to move away from this town that has no idea of reality. But right now, he is safe we are waiting for our turn in vaccine and if needed, he can stay as long as necessary.