Crying so hard my eyes are swollen shut and I can’t breath out my nose

[Seven]

uNPDm is dying. To recap, Sis2 brought her to sunny state in October while Bro5 was having brain surgery (he is medically fine). She has been there since.  New doctors, finally neurology appts.  While they are still doing testing she has no formal diagnosis.  Neuro initially thinks ALZ, but 3 of us think it's Lewy Bodies because research and family history, but of course nothing documented for mother because there is "absolutely nothing wrong with me". Sis2 says that M friends call and tell her she's fine, doesn't need assisted living (way past the point of assisted living and probably past memory care...most likely straight to nursing home) that her kids just don't want to be bothered with her. Sis2 has to monitor phone moms calls with Bro5 due to his manipulations. 

Anyway, she has disease-related dementia, is seeing dead people, having complete conversations with people who are not there. She also has other major indicators of LBD such as REM sleep disorder that of course has never formally been diagnosed (Sis1 has same thing and has been formally diagnosed and is in clinical studies at Harvard) and my uncle (her brother) had Parkinson's.  Treatment for ALZ and LBD are totally different.

Sis2 can no longer have her in her house.  It's freaking her out even with help 5 days a week.  The last thing she wants is for our mother to die in her house.  I get it.  Totally.  I'd have to pick up and move too if she died in my house.  I so get it.  Super-bad mojo for that to happen when the relationships were horrible to begin with. She has asked Bro6 to get mom up to his neck of the woods (90 minutes from me) before 3/1, but with Covid and logistics and honestly moms condition, it's just not happening.  So I advised Bro6 via SIL6 (a nurse)  to have a consult with the neuro and explain the living arrangement situation, and also told him via text before the consult to work in the fact that most of us thinks she has LBD. You think he did that?  Nope.  He did get affirmation from the doc that she shouldn't be moving again though, so good on him for that, but Sis4 reiterated to him that he needs to tell someone our medical concerns.

Anyway, Sis1 (the executor) is flying down today to sunny state for a planned 2 weeks to get mom in a facility of some sort, get funeral arrangements underway, and give Sis2 a break. 

Then THEN I get a phone call from Sis4 (moms financial POA) venting in the most angriest way possible that Bro5 has just called and asked her for money. Since he got sick last summer my mother has already paid off his car $3700, paid his max out of pocket for medical bills so insurance covers everything at 100%, amongst other bills.   he withdrew his entire 401k in November from his work that laid him off and has totally blown through it in 2 months.  I mean who blows $10k in 2 months? AND AND if you work at a place for over 20 years why is there only $10k in your 401k?  Money that was suppose to last him 6 because mother is still paying for his cobra AND his cell phone bill.  His excuse was medical bills (not true, because of what I just stated above), and rent, even though he has been told by numerous people who are actually in the property management business not to pay because of the eviction moratorium and the fact that he filed for CARERS Act help for rent.  These are phone calls I made, and paperwork that Sis1 helped him do, in addition to unemployment paperwork and SSD paperwork.  Told Sis4 this is moms money and she'd be doing mom and Bro5 a disservice by giving him any.  I used the word enable.  I told her she is legally responsible for moms money and with the type of job she holds, can't afford a misstep in handling moms finances. Mom needs that money for care, etc etc.  I gave her ever non-emotional reason why she should not give him money. I had to rationalize her Out of the FOG, even for just a split second. The man is 58 years old for Pete's sake!

I told Sis4 I hope she didn't give him the money and she said no.  I advised her to call pretty much everyone so they didn't give him money.  As she was telling Bro6 on the phone, guess who was calling Bro6 at the same time?  He already knows he can't call me.  He's been blocked on my phone since December. It's sad that I feel that I had to warn my kids too. I mean, that's just sad right?  Having to tell your adult children that their uncle might be calling them for money and to JUST SAY NO.

Needless to say by 3:30 yesterday afternoon I was mentally drained and physically wiped out.  Told my husband I couldn't cook dinner, that I was hungry but just didn't want to eat.  That all I wanted to do was stuff a whole calzone down my throat, but that would make me feel even more miserable (so I settled for ham and cheese sandwich). By midnight I'm sobbing uncontrollably, crying so hard that I cant breathe through my nose. DH didn't understand why I was so upset.  I had to explain that I'm not sad.  I'm PISSED OFF.  So angry at this woman who 3 years ago stated she didn't want a retirement community because she wanted to leave her kids something, yet never did anything to make sure that happened. $0 split seven ways is still $0 with God knows how much of her money having already gone to Bro5 throughout his entire lifetime.  Again, it's not about the money, it's about the fact that she didn't care about, well, at least 6 of her 7 kids, or make any kind of final arrangement preparations. All she cared about is how she looked to other people.  Never cared what her kids thought about her. We're just her kids.  Our opinions about her dont count.

So then a phone call about 6pm to my cousin on my dads side to update him so he can relay to his parents. Told him about past experiences and a C-PTSD reaction I had years ago to her actions. (I guess today was one of those too).  He agreed that's what it was with a big ol' Southern "yup"

She's afraid to die.  I guess I would be too if I lived a miserable, unhappy existence. Thank god for me I recognized 13 years ago where my life was headed if I didn't do something about it.

So here I am.  I think I started typing this about 12:45am Friday morning and it's now 2am.  I can breathe some now, but have a massive headache, and will most likely sleep until noon if I ever do get to sleep. 

Sorry for the length and any typos.  I just had to get it all out (well most of it anyway...there's a bunch of detail left out).

[moglow]

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I truly have no words. No wisdom or insight. Just - hang in there. Keep breathing in and out. Know there's nothing you can do but try to get it out - and you're not alone. I feel this down in my bones and hurt for you.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry Seven, I feel for you. I get the anger you're feeling too. It's so incredibly selfish for her not to make any sort of arrangements for herself. She gets to throw her hands up and let her kids figure it out. This is so wrong.

And on top of that Bro5 looking for money.  I'm feeling anger just reading this. I hope today will be a better day for you.

[Sneezy]

I'm so sorry.  I wish I had advice to give you.  Is it possible to step away?  Even for a short period of time?  Just put your phone in a drawer, don't answer any calls or texts.  Ignore it all for 24 hours and take care of yourself, however that may look for you (take a walk, read a book, take the longest hottest shower you can, etc.).  Sometimes problems have a way of getting better on their own, but even if it's all still there in 24 hours, a break may help you feel better.

[Seven]

Thank you Moglow.

Sunny, I think it's just the culmination of everything.  Her declining so rapidly, lack of preparation on her part, lack of listening skills on the parts of Bro5 and Bro6 when they brought her back from sunny state THE FIRST TIME.  Everything so far has been just a band-aid to temporarily fix the situation of the day.  Absolutely no insight of the future on either of their parts.

Sneezy, I have ways to decompress.  I usually row, which luckily this morning wasn't a super-difficult one. Then DH took me today to shoot pool.  I was exhausted with only 4 hours sleep though when I can usually get upwards of 8-9.

Also found out this morning that most likely the reason Bro6 didn't bring up LBD is because mother was on the zoom call as well, so it was all probably awkward.

And per Sis1 that Bro5 not once , but twice took a week to go to home state to visit FWB and paid for a hotel.  For the entire week.  Twice.  Because FWB bedrooms are too small, plus he wants to have the benefits part of the FWB without her 90yo mother hearing.  Hotels in the suburbs of Brotherly Love city are not cheap. So I relayed this back to Sis4 who then said "I didn't need to know that.  It just makes me more angry"

I proceeded to tell her, yes, she did need to know.  We can't keep being "secret keepers" anymore because we are afraid of the other persons reaction.  We aren't responsible for other people's reactions, but if it's info that will affect any of the siblings, that sibling has a right to know regardless of how it will make them feel.  And that any adverse reaction is most likely a normal reaction to a totally abnormal situation. (As a recap, Sis4 is the one who lost her only child to cancer a short while ago, so it's still fresh.  She really hasn't had time to breathe since either).

So we're now on our way home from shooting pool and a Costco run at 5:30pm.  I'm looking forward to some sleep. Saturday and Sunday I have 4hrs each to myself for a virtual class so that I can have a piece of paper that says I can teach you how to use a Concept2 rowing machine.

[Adria]