Dealing with the aftemath

[foggydude]

For some reason the task of getting over this relationship with my BPD/NPD is Herculean....at least to me.
I cant stop the loop tape in my head about everything. Cant move on. Wishing she would go overboard and beg for me, yet, she has no interest. Wishing she wanted me bad enough to take responsibility for abusing me emotionally and physically. She did email and call but I did not read or respond. I am guessing she wants something from me...an item.
All day. Every day. It is consuming me. Devouring me. Prohibiting me from my very own life which wasn't so great when I met her tbh as I was just leaving another relationship w a complete avoidant.
Guess its a good thing she isn't chasing me cuz id take the bait with new terms.
She is an idiot for not taking what I have to offer. It is her loss. She will compare all others to me I am certain.
I offered a new home, travel, security, not having to worry about bills and tons of love. She wanted more. A vegetarian that I did not want to be. A zero drinker, a child and a man that would not do to her what she did to me....amd never say no.
I'm trying CBT therapy on line this week. Already started going through worksheets and such.
Everything is a reminder. Everything. Mostly the good stuff. I try to replace w the bad because she wasn't very nice once she got the hook set. Ive given my heart only 2x since my Breakup/divorce about 9 years ago  and both times it has cost me dearly.
Thanks for listening. I am both an internal and external broken record.

[GettingOOTF]

I found it very difficult to get “unstuck”. I played all these scenarios over and over in my head as well. Ultimately for me they were a distraction. I came to see that my marriage and the aftermath were a distraction from focusing on myself. It’s easy for us to stay in the “victim” role when in many ways we are the victim. That said I leaned that I had agency. I spent a few years in therapy, took a hard and honest look at my history and my habits and then addressed the areas that were holding me back.

Reading Codependent No More was a real turning point for me. It jumpstarted my healing journey and I’m at a point where I’m now able to give myself what I always looked to others to give me.

To get unstuck we need to take action. Taking action is really hard and very few people do this. It’s a difficult and painful process but one that has been life changing for me.

I look back on my marriage and I see that if I hadn’t married my ex I would have married a man exactly like him. This really helped me to let go and move forward.

I also wanted to add that I look back and I see that I offered people things that they didn’t want or value the same way I did. I thought that what I offered should be enough because whad I was offering was really what I wanted. Other people had very different wants and needs. My focus now is on finding someone who shares my values and dreams instead of finding someone to offer them to.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with GettingOOTF.
You write that you have given your heart twice and it has cost you dearly. Now you have come to a point where you might want to look at yourself and find out why you are attracted by and attractive for difficult people. I think it's great that you will start therapy, I hope you have found a good therapist, who can guide you on this journey of self discovery.
What really worked for me that every time I became aware that I thought about my partner, and how badly he had treated me, which was most of the time, I stopped and made an extra effort to think about myself, what I want, what I feel, what I did. And two years later I thought about him much less.
It might also be a good idea to make an agreement with yourself to take a break from relationships for a while, just that you don't fall into another trap, vulnerable and hurt as you are at the moment.
You are not alone on this journey! Be courageous.

[Simon]

Good to hear you're taking some therapy.
Hopefully CBT will help you along.

After my breakup, despite the fact that I wanted out by that time (for a few months), and knew what she had and what was coming, there were still things that made me sad, made me wish that...etc.
Cognitive Dissonance in full effect.

One thing I would suggest is to make a list of the bad ways she treated you, and display it where you can see it every day.
Don't be afraid to make it in big letters so you can see it from a distance.
I used a whiteboard (I'm a programmer, so I have a few 3x2 feet ones!  )
On it, I listed every real-life example I could remember of how poorly she treated me.
Alongside it, I listed as many traits and behaviours of BPD as were relevant, like not having any empathy (and consequently not being able to Love), compulsive lying, emotionally immature, disrespectful, selfish, not emotionally present, unfaithful, etc.
Whenever I thought of the good times (because that's all our minds want to remember, fooling us into thinking the relationship was better than it was), I would look at this whiteboard and immediately feel better, thank my lucky stars that I was out of it, and feel a little silly for letting my mind fool me again.

I do hate to see people struggling with their memories of their relationships, and them thinking that the BPD/NPD ex is missing them/ will miss them.
The truth is that they don't.
Object constancy (or lack of it) is huge with personality disorders, and "Out of sight, Out of mind" is never truer than with one of these people.
It also means that photos, video clips, places they used to go with you, etc, have no special meaning to them.
They have a cognitive connection to it (that is, they remember it happening), but they have no emotional connection to it.
From a personal example, me and my ex used to go to this little clothes shop most weekends, looking at what they had in new, etc, and spent a lot of time there during the course of our relationship.
I have recently started seeing someone, and I know that when the shops eventually open up again (Covid!), I will feel a little strange going in there with my new girlfriend.
I will go in there, and make new memories to override the old ones (you'll see that advice for a lot of survivors of a PD ex), but even though I'm over her, and would be happy to never see her again, I know I'll still feel a pang in my heart when I go in there.
It's natural. It's human. And it proves that I came out the other side of that abusive relationship with my feelings and my empathy intact.
My point is, my BPD ex would not feel any of these things if she went in there with her new boyfriend.
She wouldn't have felt anything if she'd gone in there with him the day after we'd finished.
Like I said earlier, no emotional connection with memories because of a lack of object constancy.

It's a very sad fact to come to terms with, but also one that will speed your recovery once you do so.

You need to focus all your energy on yourself mate.
If you treated her right, and tried to make the relationship work, then hold your head up high and walk away.
She will treat the next one the same way she treated you, and will do this for the rest of her life, with many partners.
Get yourself healthy so that you don't get drawn back in when she is "between partners", and calls you, because it will only be until she lines someone else up as a replacement, and in the meantime will treat you worse than ever, with no remorse, and even a hint of sadistic pleasure.

Count your blessings, and think of all the things you no longer have to put up with.
Trust me, when you find someone normal after an abusive relationship, it's like you've hit the jackpot.
Simple things like respect and reciprocity are evident throughout, without being forced, and there's no underlying, uneasy anxiety, like there is when you're in a relationship with a BPD.
Don't get me wrong. My boundaries are in place, and they will not be eroded, but at the same time, there is no way I would allow memories of that vile relationship get in the way of my future relationships by being hyper-sensitive to my new partner.

Trust me mate.
A year from now, you'll be stronger than ever, wiser than ever, and ready to find a real woman.

Good luck! 

EDIT: As someone above has recommended a book that helped them, there's a book that I can't recommend enough, which is "Psychpath Free". I've recommended that book before on here, and with good reason. Read it, and then read it again. And then once more for good measure.

[Boat Babe]

That was awesome Simon.

[Simon]

That was awesome Simon.

Thanks. 
I hope it helps him.
Sounds like he's in a rough place right now.

[Boat Babe]

We've all been there. It's horrible. But ultimately very enlightening.

[Simon]

True.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but those that go through it, come out the other side Galvanized.
Hell of a learning curve!   

[hhaw]

FD:

It's possible that loop playing over and over is information stuck going roynd abd round, bc trauma overwhelmed your brain's ability to process it and file it where information normally goes...into historic files.

Your brain efficiently processes infirmation all the time.  Learning how to calm your brain and process the traumatic looping information will make it possible to finish that business and put it behind you, IME.

A good Trauma Incomes T will have many approaches to help you learn to do this for yourself....life changing, ime!

You aren't weak.  You're trying to think your way out if a biological hijack, which isn't helpful, IME.  I tried for years.

A Buddhist leaning T, wirking her own mindfulness program, dropped all ego and guided me gently, presenting information many ways, till I could understand, until I could SEE for myself, and begin practicing habits to calm my brain.  A calm brain experiences a second or 2 before old brain pathways react and shut down access to frontal lobe logic and problem solving skills.

That's the trick.  To present the trauma to our brains when our brain is calm.....to move the info into our limbic system to be processed and filed into historic files.

The brain can do this in milliseconds.  It just needs the chance. It's not difficult.  It's a process of creating space....a moment before reactivity sweeps us away. 

It can change your life, I promise.

Good luck.