How do I overcome the guilt I feel about filing for divorce?

[wanderlust36]

Its a long story but basically I left my BPD husband nearly two years ago and I still haven’t filed for divorce. I feel too guilty despite the way he treated me (he was emotionally abusive, sexually coercive and was showing signs of physical abuse).  He has done some dodgy things since we split up (like hiding a camera in my bedroom as mentioned in one of my previous posts).  Yet I still feel too guilty to divorce him. He keeps saying that I ‘abandoned him’. He admits that I was right to leave him as his behaviour was unacceptable and I had to for my own mental health. However he said that its crazy that I’m sticking to my decision now that he is ‘getting better’ and our ‘relationship has so much potential’.  We recently had to put our dog down that we were sharing and my husband is devastated. I’m worried that if I file for divorce it may make him feel suicidal again. Any advice?

[D.]

That's a great question that you pose.  And how horrible all of those things he has done to you.  My situation is distinct from yours, but I did have to divorce.  And I didn't want to initially or ever see that as my path in life.  But at some point I realized I needed complete closure from uPDexh and he would never provide it.  I had to seek the closure for my own health and well being.  And that is not something for which to feel guilty.  Putting your own needs and health first is completely justified and appropriate.

As for the possible outcomes by him that you mention such as attempting suicide, that's tough.  But, ultimately he is responsible for his actions.  Nothing you do will "cause" what he does.  He makes his own choices.  Hopefully he has appropriate resouces for himself to help him with those feelings. 

I once called the suicide hotline to get help figuring out what to do about a friend.  It was quite helpful for me.  I was able to get resources to share and let go of any responsibility or guilt I might associate with the friend's suicidal tendencies.