I'm not doing enough. How do I respond?

[Sheppane]

Looking for suggestions how to deal with this situation.
Have been drawn again in a phone conversation by unMom to caretake uBPD/ narcsis ( you should call , she's very upset etc).
Backstory being I have set boundaries around emotional dumping from sis ( and bro) and both they and remaining family reeling me in as no one likes this new way of doing things. This is a long saga. 

I have a freeze response at time of conversation always  - old trauma response- and after berate myself for not standing my ground/ standing up for myself .

My Mom remarked that my sis " feels" she cant speak to me about her issues - reality is she has not initiated contact with me in months ( punishment for me setting boundary) -  i do keep in contact but VLC / LC now. I await impending attack from sis. I M familiar with this pattern.

What is coming is sis will say she " feels" I don't care , it " seems" that way to her.  Even if I tell her I do.
All about putting me on defensive when I have done nothing wrong. If I have I will make amends but the reality is the dysfunction in the family system does not like me resigning from caretaker/ scapegoat role.

How to respond to this?
I feel I get accused of not being enough, always. Bar is always higher, I cant jump.
She doesn't contact me- I get the blame. ( you don't care )
She will not take responsibility for her feelings and wants me to take them from her  - am not doing that anymore after years of caretaking and sacrificing myself in process.
Truth is I do care, but am not willing to be dumped on any more and have set boundaries around that ie no longer frequently checking in. Still do once / twice per month though.
Its never about me and always me to initiate.

How do I respond to these accusations? What I realise is I dont have the language. I dont know what to say when she keeps coming back with " yes but it doesn't FEEL like you care ".
It is designed to put me on the defensive,  I think ??
In which case I need to hand the feelings ( hers) back?

What do I say ?

" I do care. Im confused as to why you think I don't?" ( does that hand it back or worsen the whole thing )

Or " I'm sorry you feel I don't care about you. I do care. Is there something I have said / done ?

Maybe that plays into it.

Or ' well you know you can ring me any time " . ( She has clearly chosen not to for months and now telling unarcmom that I don't care)

Any experience or suggestions re phrases / language gratefully received!

[Penny Lane]

I think you are correct that this is designed to put you on the defensive. And furthermore, she wants you to make HER feelings YOUR problem. A vague "I feel this is true" when her feelings are your problem, gives her basically an unending license to demand pretty much anything from you.

I think what you want to convey here is "here are my boundaries of what I'm willing to do to accommodate what you want." In your examples, it sounds like you're inviting a further conversation that could very easily lead to a blame spiral. Is that what you want? Or are you looking to resolve it and move on?

If you're looking for resolutions, I suggest directly asking "what do you want me to do differently next time?" (keep it future focused). If she says something vague like "be more engaged" you can disregard it. If she says something specific "I want you to reach out to me more often" you can say either "ok, I can do that" or "no, that doesn't work for me." You don't have to give a reason but you can: "in the past when I've reached out to you, you've responded rudely, and I think it's important to keep our relationship focused on times when things go right." Or whatever.

If you don't even want to get into that level of discussion, you can just politely but firmly set the boundary that you're not going to take responsibility for her feelings. No questions, just a statement that's designed to shut down the conversation.

"I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. I know we're both doing our best here." (Giving her the benefit of the doubt, if you're up for it, makes it a lot harder to argue).
"This is the level of engagement I can offer in our relationship, it's up to you to decide if you want to accept it or not." (I like giving two options, both of which you can live with. I learned this in a parenting book but it applies to adults as well).
"If you want to hear from me more, what I would need from you is to reach out to me." (puts the ball in her court)

It can even help to practice beforehand - this is a hard skill, and freezing is a totally understandable response. Practicing can help you break through that.

And so on. You don't have to stay in a conversation about how terrible you are because of your sister's feelings! You can choose to stay in the conversation, but you're not required to. I think it's great that you're setting boundaries with her - figure out what your boundaries are with this topic, and use this as an opportunity to show her that you are serious about those boundaries.

You've got this!

[notrightinthehead]

You have already been given excellent advice. I just wanted to add, when I learned to accept and endure the uncomfortable feeling of having disappointed someone's expectations of me (in this case your sister's expectation that you call and allow her to dump on you) and the guilt of not jumping through hoops to try to make them feel better,  my life became easier.  It is unpleasant to let the other person deal with their own feelings, there is unease when you tell yourself these are not my feelings. I am not responsible for her feelings.  I do not have the power to change her feelings. After all, you probably were made to believe that you are responsible for her. You are on a good path, sending you lots of strength.

[Sheppane]

Thank you both for great advice. It has given me lots to think on.
Yes she wants to make her feelings my problem- and I hadnt noticed Penny Lane that I could be inviting a blame spiral- i have never heard that term before but its a great one ! I think if I go down that route of me digging out exactly why she thinks I am not meeting her expectations it will lead to a very circular conversation, I will be on the defensive, and there will be nit picking and blameshifting and all the reasons I am not enough - which is enough chaos in a conversation to detract from the fact that she never reaches out to me , and in fact I never really figure at all. This is a one way relationship and once I stop I hear nothing further , as it is expected that I do all the heavy lifting. A sense of entitlement,  perhaps. It is painful to realise that once I drop the rope , I get silence. So this accusation that I dont do enough/ am not empathic enough ( hours on cellphone) is a bit ironic really as I am the only one doing anything !!

I love the phrases you suggested- I really do need to practice a script . I want to detach from this in a loving way but that is often a balancing act as I need to keep myself safe. I will be punished / am being punished for already having put some boundaries in place ie I no longer stay on for never ending conversations with no focus on solution or anything like that.

Thank you for the reminder that it is OK to leave a conversation where we are discussing how terrible I am based on her feelings ! It is punishment really, and thinking about it now it feels like I am being baited into some crazy making conversation to defend myself about what exactly I dont know.

It doesn't feel like the same kind of conversation with a healthy person, where I could ask what the issue is and resolve any difficulties.  I think this is about power over me,  winner / loser, and nothing to do with a genuine issue or conflict.

Appreciate the clarity both your posts have given !