Family Member of Domestic Violence Victim

[Margie@35]

Hello all,
I am the family member of a Domestic Violence Victim and am here to seek support and advice. I am frankly at my wits ends with this situation. My sister has been in an abusive relationship for over 20 years. And it is turning more dangerous as time goes by. She has 3 daughters with her abuser. The youngest is about 8 yrs old the eldest about 15. I have been there for her throughout the years. Always tried to remind her of her worth and boost her confidence, but would end up hearing about the abuse for hours. I provided resources and looked into them for her. I am limited in what I can do. I have my own family full time work and my own issues to deal with which include a child with medical conditions and my own health issues. I also am live in a different state than she does. He has cheated on her multiple times, she's had to bail him out of jail. Yet she keeps going back to him. As the abuse has gotten worse, she has stopped communicating with me and the my brothers and sisters. The last time we spoke she called me telling me she was ready to report him and asked for help. I looked up resources and sent them to her and offered go to visit her to help her with her children while she reported. After that she stopped responding to my calls.  Now she only communicates with our mother.  This last time the violence got so bad that she called the police, because she feared for her life. When the police got there she refused to press charges or request a retstraining order.  They live in separate places and she had gone to his place, so her daughters weren't present. However, her children have witnessed him beat and choke her in the past.  He has threatened her life multiple times and has forced her to have sex with him. He was recently fired from his job and was diagnosed with a serious health  condition and may using drugs again.  I fear for her and her children's safety. However, she is no longer communicating with me. I have though about reporting to CPS, but am afraid this will create more issues for her and her children as the children reside primarly with her.

[ShyTurtle]

I'm so sorry that your family is experiencing this! It must be really hard to be a witness to all of this! As a person who has been in multiple abusive relationships, I have to say that I would have continued to make mistakes and choose bad partners if I hadn't gone to the women's shelter and gotten therapy from them. I had to do that myself. My family supported me but they were getting caught up in things, and that wasn't fair. I had to tell them to back off and support me from afar.

It was my beliefs about myself, which originated from being raised by an abusive ubpd mother which caused me to have an unhealthy baseline for what a relationship looked like. I needed to do the hard work to break free of that myself. It was a year of CBT with a psychotherapist that finally changed things for me. Before that I was completely in the fog. I hope your sister access this for herself before it's too late.

I hate to say it, but sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom in these situations before they make a change. The trauma bonding in abusive relationships is real. It keeps people stuck.

I hope your sister and her kids can access community resources before it gets any worse. <3

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Margie! It must be so hard to witness what is going on in your sister's  life.  Only you and others who know the situation well can decide if it would be better for the kids to involve CPS.  I would think only of the kids, not what this will do to your sister. 

As ShyTurtle said above, it is up to your sister to decide if she leaves or stays,  from my  own story, I changed therapists when mine started to try to make me admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship!  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you are honest with yourself.

There are many people in abusive relationship who use others to complain and vent, then feel a bit better after having received support, which allows them to go back or remain with their abusers!  This can be very exhausting for the ones who listen, give emotional support, offer help - only to see them back with their abusers.  Once such helpers start pushing for a change they are avoided and another good heart is found.

It might be helpful for you to tell yourself repeatedly that your sister is an adult and she has the right to her own bad decisions, she has the right to mess up her life, she has the right to be miserable.  You can still love her and respect her, even if you think that she makes mistakes.

Sending you lots of patience!