Practicing Naming the Behavior or Trait

[D.]

Having been raised around so many PD characteristics and behaviors (FOO and exH) and taught they are "normal" and "appropriate" I feel like such a beginner in observing, recognizing and naming PD behaviors.  But someone here suggested that as a strategy and I am honestly so excited today at finally understanding and having some success in this healing strategy.  In the past 8+ years of healing I've been using therapy and one strategy that works well seems to be seizing those opportunities to practice the healing in our everyday life and in "easier" opportunities.  Like a co-worker, a store clerk, a health care provider, etc.  Then transfer the learning to the harder situations, like FOO, friends, etc.

Today I had the opportunity to practice what I am learning here.  Here is the example:  A person at my work came to me to criticize another.  In my role it is appropriate for me to hear "complaints."  Sooooo, I had to listen but something about what she told me didn't feel right.  She has a pattern of embellishing, criticizing, and gossiping to others.  My gut knows there is something just off. 

So today I started reading through in alphabetical order.  When I hit "False Accusations and Distortion campaigns" it was a huge BINGO!  That's the pattern w/this individual at my work.  That's what she did today.  I later learned her complaint was not true, it was an incorrect perception.  Think of someone in a parked car who sees a car go by fast and interprets her car to be moving.  Now I know that's one of her go-to behaviors - False accusations and distortion campaigns.

And I decided that I would like to learn to speak my truth more easily, once, when this happens w/her.  Today I was caught off-guard, but I know what I'll say the next time she brings up this same complaint.  And most likely she will.  And I know I will say it once, then work to close the conversation.

A different time I was able to speak my truth and, although she starts going in circles, I felt much more at peace after the conversation. 

Do others have examples that stand out as moments when you recognized a PD behavior or characteristic?

[blunk]

Good for you for recognizing this behavior for what it is!

After finding this site, one  of the first things I did was to print out the Top 100 Traits and read through them. I placed 1-3 stars next to each one that I had seen with my bpdxh, 3 stars being those that were most common. I also noted specific scenarios in the margins. I went back to it whenever I was feeling doubtful of my experiences.

The one trait that hit me hardest was splitting. I had been experiencing it for so long, but as I had never experienced anything like it from anyone else I had no name for it...I was either his favorite person or the enemy, there was no in between. He would often tell me how well he treated me, and that he put me on a pedestal. I remember saying something like...the problem is, you keep raising that pedestal higher and higher, so every time you knock me off of it, it hurts even more.

My problem was that I needed to felt understood, for him to "get" how his words and behavior had hurt me. I would do my best to communicate how I was feeling, while also trying to validate his feelings (just like all of the books told me to). What I realized was that I had been doing the exact wrong thing...what I was doing was textbook JADE.

I had fallen into his trap, him telling me over and over that we just had a communication problem, that it was my fault, that we should see a marriage counselor. I nearly agreed, until I read "Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I started reading more on this site, like What to Do and What Not to Do, Medium Chill, and Gray Rock. I mainly used medium chill, and kept hearing from him...I'm just trying to have a nice conversation with you and all I get is yes or no answers. It made him angry, but I was not longer engaging in circular arguments.

These were small victories, but each one made me stronger. Wishing you the ever increasing strength that comes along with using the knowledge and tools you will find here.

[losingmyself]

There are so many!! Thank God for all I've learned here!
I think the one that stands out the most, that I see is the projecting. "no, I didn't, you did"
Also, I think the most helpful might be the no JADE. It stops so many circular conversations that I'd find myself in, to the point of such frustration!! I WILL NOT apologize for or explain anything that doesn't deserve such. Anymore.
Blink, I remember the pedestal conversation, too! I always said "The higher you put me up there, the farther I have to fall"
You'd think I'd be exhausted for how many times I've been up and down that thing!!

[Sheppane]

Really relate to this. In the midst of a crazy conversation I often freeze and don't "see" the behaviours.  It creates confusion for me and as I am trying to be respectful of my family and keep myself safe at the same time I really need to be able to " see it"! I have some sort of time lag and it is often only a day later I can clearly identify what happened or why I feel so awful.

I wrote a list of labels and what they meant and used to keep them nearby when I was on a call so I could identify what was going on ( things like baiting,
dumping,  projection , nitpicking, aswell as lots of others)  - as an alarm to alert me when it shows up so I can then gently remove myself from the conversation as in setting a boundary. Usually by that stage I am very triggered! 

It was a great thing to do and as I come up against issues where I over think or wonder did I perceive that correctly or am I getting it all wrong it gives me very helpful clarity. That in itself acts as a very helpful signpost as to what to do next or what not to do - as in leave the conversation, or no JADE or other things in the toolbox.
Good luck !

[Cat of the Canals]

A few years ago, I started getting cornered at family events by various family members and friends of the family who all said something along the lines of, "Your mother just adoooores you. It means SO MUCH to her when you call and visit. It would mean the world to her if you made more time for her."

I was perplexed and baffled. It seemed they all thought I was neglecting my mother somehow, but she had never said anything to me about being unhappy with our relationship. 

I started making an effort to call more often. But it kept happening. No matter what I did, I would indirectly get the message from a third party that I somehow wasn't meeting her needs.

After a particularly heavy guilt trip on the same subject from my aunt, I got so frustrated that I started searching for an explanation for the behavior online and found a reference to "Flying Monkeys" aka Proxy Recruitment. Finding that was what led me down the path of discovering my mother's unBPD. And boy did that open a can of worms.