Just looking for something I'm not going to get

[losingmyself]

You ever just look with amazement at your SO and their lack of any kind of empathy? I know I shouldn't expect it, but, man, it would be nice to have someone just feel bad that you're hurting. It's not even his fault, no blame could be placed on him, there's just NOTHING THERE.
We're not going to be able to go see DD next week. I haven't seen her for almost 6 months. My heart is aching, and I was crying.
He just blew it off, changed the subject. Talked to other people. He almost seemed uncomfortable.
The most he said was "We didn't decide that she should move down there" Which sounds an awful lot like "It's not MY fault"
I just want someone to feel a little bit sorry for me. That's all.

[notrightinthehead]

Makes one feel so lonely, even if one is never alone, this lack of emotional intimacy.

[SparkStillLit]

Yes, I understand you totally. It would be so nice sometimes to have someone just....well, you know...empathize with you. Share in a moment.

[1footouttadefog]

Covid and many other interconnected and resulting things are keeping people apart these days.  It must be especially bad to not see your child. 

I can totally get the not being able to have what you need in the relationship.  I now see my spouse as an emotional quadraplegic.  He cannot emotionally dance or walk on the beach even So sad because a good marriage needs a pair of emotional athletes, triathletes or decathelon even.

[losingmyself]

Thanks, everyone.
It's just...empty. Like, I had these feelings, but they weren't acknowledged, so, did I have them? Was I overreacting? I know for sure that I wasted my time trying to have him try to understand. But, I didn't really do it on purpose, I just got the phone call right before I met him for lunch. Given some time, I would not have had him see me be emotional.  OH, my gosh. That's a terrible way to live.
Now, his thing in reaction to this is that I pay more attention to DD than DS, therefore I must favor her and it's not fair to DS. I'm not a very good mom because I talk to DD much more often.
If I mention her, he says "When was the last time you talked to DS?" When I say "Sunday" He's like "Geez! It's been that long!!"
Just trying to make me feel guilty. DS lives here, I can see him any time I want, he's 22yo, he's fine. We have a good relationship.
DD is 18yo and just moved 5 hours away. She's a little more - I don't  know- emotional  than DS.  She needs her Mom, even if it's just to cry to. DS thankfully, since he's a grown man, does not.
H is going to keep going with this line of crap, I don't know what to say to him because I feel like everything I say is JADE.

[SparkStillLit]

I hear you. I hear you so loud. And I'm sorry. I live that, too. Just like that. I have no wise thing to say, because I have that arguement in my head practically on the daily. It's so draining. It's too bad we can't sit together over coffee/tea/wine/whiskey and just talk to each other and tell each other our troubles and dreams and say "Sisters (and Brothers too)..you are enough. You've got this. We have your back."

[foggydude]

What's worse is they expect, or demand, sooooo much empathy and compassion from us. Yes they may listen to emotions, but provide 0 actual empathy Imo. Guess I am lucky that I did not marry her ir have children with her, yet I long for us so badly.

Do you think of what it would be like to be apart or divorced?

[SparkStillLit]

I think of it all the time now. Anymore, I just want to be ALONE. I'm way better company, lol.

[Lauren17]

Ah, simultaneously lonely but never alone. That's the summary of my COVID experience.
I, too, get no empathy. The only emotion I can express without judgment is "ok".
I've been finding some time alone and then trying to silently name my emotions and just really feel them for a minute or so. H won't show me empathy, so I guess it's up to me.
Journaling helps.
Out of the FOG helps.
Maybe reach out to a friend or family member? Maybe not even to discuss your H or your DD but for a friendly voice. 
My DD is about that age and away from home for the first time too. Sometimes, I miss her so much, I'd like to curl up in a  ball and cry. I have lots of empathy for you.

[SparkStillLit]

I have issues with my on her own DD. She won't talk to him because he's too Extra about it and upsetting to her.
I try to communicate in a decent way with her, she has a lot of trauma and some crummy learned behaviors.
I only give dh the Broad Overview.
I can't have emotions either. He plays off the sibs, too. Weird how the PDs have the -same playbook- no matter what it is, isn't it!!!
I get privacy on the toilet and I have to keep the fan on so it seems like I'm pooping (sorry. That's gross.)
In the car running errands. He hates going out.
Scooping dog doo, ditto. Though he may be peering out windows as I do this.
If I have to do field work, HOORAY! I make it take asssss looooonggg asssss poooossibllleeee. Not the work itself. Just the time I'm not in the house.
I listen to my audiobooks. I listen to music I want. I talk to work people that like me and think I'm good folks. I talk to the contractors that I like, and likewise think well of me. (I ignore and avoid the ones I can't stand. Covid, you know!)
I read in here. You all are a big uplift, and I hope we help uplift you, LM. It's so damn hard some days.

[losingmyself]

It's so helpful to talk to people who understand.
Spark, I do so wish we could sit over a cup of coffee and visit. All of us, really.
I very much enjoy doing my crafty things, noisy things like sanding. I can be alone, although I get a guilt trip when I go in, but it's worth it.
I also very much enjoy mowing our 6-plus acres, I can cry my friggin' brains out and it feels so good! And, I work alone, so I can put in my earbuds and escape to my own world.
Next week I will see my sister, and I'll unload my sad feelings about DD on her. It'll be nice to have a sympathetic actual shoulder to cry on.  She'll understand.
I wish I had the strength to tell her more about H, but not yet.
Lauren, I do need to get back to my journaling, I haven't written for a long time. I do find naming my emotions helps also, for some reason. I guess it's acknowledging them.
Foggy, being apart is a daydream I have often. I just can't work up the strength.
Thanks for being my instant uplift, everyone. You're truly a Godsend!

[Boat Babe]

I remember looking at uPDexbf and the thought arising, unbidden, "I'll never get what I need from him.". For people with healthy attachment styles and who are not co-dependant, this would be reason enough to end a relationship. Not me though. I carried on for another nine months, leaving only after a truly unpleasant incident. 

Wish I'd listened to my gut earlier.  Over two years NC now and I would cross the road to avoid him now.

[losingmyself]

Last night H went to bed early, not feeling well. I watched 60 minutes. It was heartbreaking!! I cried so hard watching it!! They were talking to families of people who died from covid. One man was 49, and had 5 kids, the other was 41. One young man had lost his father a couple years ago, and his mom died from covid this year. Oh, my gosh...weeping...
I opened my mouth to share this sad story and my reaction to it.  Then I shut my mouth. He would have just used it to make fun of me...
He would have just said something crappy

[anita]

I left my nod parents and thought I had found a man I loved his mother was always in the back ground phoning every day turning up on holidays. making me sound like a freak to everyone. My husband is now 57 we stayed married and she still buys his under pants and aftershave weird yep makes the toilet smell lovely and as for the pants used to clean with lol. She insisted on a bank account with him just in case I leave  him. Made him take all his stuff to be washed and ironed by her such a sweet lady less for me to do lol. cooked dinner for him every  night wants him to accompany her everywhere. Does not feel I am family because I am his second wife. Buys me pan scourers and wrinkle cream every year. husband thinks I am ungrateful if I complain. I married an enmeshed mummy boy. for thirty years she's called him for at least an hour on the phone every night. fast forward to 2019 I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband thought his mum should know so he told her She said how long has she got and when do you think you will be coming home. That was it for me I went crazy. I told her she was a twisted bitch and that I knew she hated me and I felt the same about her that all the things you have done have got you no where and never will. She has been diagnosed with dementia now and wanted to live with us. I put my foot down again and said if you had of excepted me I would of looked after you in our home but you need to take responsibility for your own life and a care home would be best for you. npd with dementia in the mix no thank you very much. I told her you spent you life doing what you wanted four holidays a year no husband to look after ( not surprising ) spending money on thing she could not afford so much so we had to give her money so she did not loose her home. thank god we did or she would of been living with us a longtime ago. she never did anything for us at all. so karma is a bitch. anyone else living through the hell of npd and dementia.  She says this is her life and she want to do what she wants to do fine I dont have problem with that as long as she does not expect me to sacrifice anymore of my life for her happiness. SORRY VENTING DONE.

[IcedCoffee]

Last night H went to bed early, not feeling well. I watched 60 minutes. It was heartbreaking!! I cried so hard watching it!! They were talking to families of people who died from covid. One man was 49, and had 5 kids, the other was 41. One young man had lost his father a couple years ago, and his mom died from covid this year. Oh, my gosh...weeping...
I opened my mouth to share this sad story and my reaction to it.  Then I shut my mouth. He would have just used it to make fun of me...
He would have just said something crappy

Same experience here. It's not what we dreamed of for a marriage is it? On the plus side I've started "working on myself" (MCing, no-JADEing, Mindfulness, etc.) as a result of all this and I think my relationships with others are starting to improve (not that there was anything wrong before, but they can always be better).