Trying to keep the family together

[IcedCoffee]

Hi, new to the forum but not new to PD! Wife of 20 years, almost certainly BPD. I knew something was odd our first "morning" together, if you catch my drift. Like there was some other reality inside her head. She'd had an abusive childhood. Anyway, it was all very whirlwind, as many of you have experienced, and a wedding within six months. Lots and lots of highs, but also quite a lot of plate smashing, and jealousy, and an eating disorder. She would worship someone for a while then turn against them. Her last interaction with someone would dictate how she felt about them, like she had no memory. Constant threats of divorce. Her wedding ring would come off every couple of weeks, but it would go back on quite quickly. Anyway, it was tolerable.

Then after 10 years we had a daughter and things got worse. Post-natal depression. Lots of splitting. Threats of suicide. A few disturbing dissociative episodes. She was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and hypervigilance. Around this time I started looking into other possibilities and concluded that BPD was extremely likely. Arguing every day, total overreactions to everything, non sequiturs, misinterpreting words and facial expressions. I really thought there must be something odd about my face since she read everything I said negatively. But anyway, I got used to this new normal. Second child born a few years later, and she gets even worse. But you get used to things. I forgot all about BPD and just tried to muddle through the day. Very emotionally harrowing. Always hoping things would go back to how they had been.

We move country, away from friends and family. And along comes Covid. Home schooling. More stress than ever. Early last year she says she wants a divorce. This time it's for real. She contacts a lawyer. At which point I go into overdrive with "Save Your Marriage Now!" courses and the like, and therapy for me (and medication). Thanks to those courses we haven't  argued since then. But she still wants out. And I don't. Usual reasons: Children; Finances; Upheaval; Hoping it will get better. And then I remembered about BPD. And so I started researching how to save marriages with a BPD partner. Turns out that some of those courses I did give advice that also works with BPD partners. But she hasn't changed her mind about the divorce. I am still hoping and hopeful. And researching, which is why I am here.

It's easy to write a lot once you get started, isn't it!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are not alone. There is a lot of information and support to be found here.  I strongly recommend reading the Toolbox and using the strategies that are suitable for your situation. You might also benefit from reading "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist" by Fijelstad.

We have a board "Commited to working on it" and "Chosen relationships",  start reading around there, you might find a lot of information there. I advise you to get as much information as possible. See you around on the boards!