The "Lag Time" between letting go of the unhealthy and finding what's healthy

[Sapling]

I don't know who needs to hear this right now but this quote from Dana Morningstar's book 'Out of the FOG' is what I've been clinging to lately:

"please realise there is a 'lag time' that happens. This lad time is the time between when you clear out the old and start to gather up the new. It can be profoundly hard and lonely, and it can last for a while-- sometimes several years, but please don't let that discourage you. The results are worth the struggle. Keep moving in the direction of what's empowering, and you'll soon start to meet people that are more in alignment with your beliefs."

It's been a really lonely time lately, and even when I do meet new people, I am very very cautious with them. It helps me to name this time "lag time". It helps me remember this is not forever.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes that is a good reminder to be patient and kind with yourself.

[JollyJazz]

Thank you for this! I needed this today! 😊

[1footouttadefog]

Lag time plus covid time.....unfair.

Sigh.

[GettingOOTF]

This is helpful. For me I felt like it was a gradual change. I didn't really notice it until one day I felt stronger and happier.

Each day felt hard but when I look back I can see that each day was better than the last in its own way.

[D.]

Great quote and quite affirming.  Thank you for sharing!

I remember when I was healing from divorce from NPDh.  I cut off contact w/all of my "friends" for about 2 years.  I remember telling my T that I just couldn't yet figure out what was healthy and what was not.  So I focused on work relationships and I commented that I really relied on the kindness of strangers...it was my only connection at the time.  It's true, it felt lonely.  But now my reflection and new participation in this site is giving me a lot of clarity as to why.

I feel like I am doing that again a bit now, but it is more gradual and more about whether I want new people in to my social circle with my H and who I want them to be.  Perhaps that is the blessing I am feeling from COVID...

[pianissimo]

I'm in constant need of hearing this. Thanks.

[Hilltop]

Yep I feel like I am in lag time now.  I seem to have swept away a lot of negativity but I am still looking at myself trying to make sure I understand healthy and I don't feel like I am there yet.  I am not reaching out to others yet because I am still working out what's what.  I guess that's ok, baby steps.

[Amedee]

Great topic, Sapling.  I spent a lot of my life tenaciously hanging on to friendships and relationships that could be draining and sometimes destructive.  In the course of getting healthier there have been lots of shifts for the better, but I find myself isolating more and more as the path of least resistance.  I don't know of this is a phase, or the way I am becoming.  The final cut off from my family seems to have precipitated a lot of other cutoffs in my life.  Is that a scapegoat thing? 

[Sapling]

Hi Amedee, I don't know if that's a SG thing (I didn't grow up as the SG in my FOO so I'm not sure. That's another story for another thread). It could be that when you come to a deep realization about the ways in which you are harmed by someone, suddenly you can't un-see it in others either.

I've let go of a lot of people in the last few years and am still having lots of realizations about the dynamics in those relationships... so even though I do feel lonely, I also find myself gravitating towards more solitude and reflection right now. I don't want to jump into new friendships because I am still in shock about the ways in which I have been exploited by so-called friends, and I don't feel ready to date because I now have a lot of questions about intimacy.

I think these things take time to process and if you need to take some time, then you need to take some time. I don't think that's necessarily the path of least resistance. As HIlltop put it, you could just be "still working out what's what." Nothing wrong with that.

[Sapling]

Thanks everyone for responding to this post. I'm glad it resonated with folks. I totally agree with 1footouttadefog that Lag Time + Covid = totally unfair. It's a difficult time to be on your own trying to figure out what's healthy and still not really being able to get out there and meet people they way we could before Covid. Thank you all for sharing  on here 

[GettingOOTF]

I have found Covid very helpful for my healing as it has taken away a lot of the unhealthy coping mechanisms I used. I've stopped drinking, shopping and spending my time with people that I was just passing the time with instead of finding people I really connect with.

I didn't do any of those things to extreme but they all held me back in one way or another. This time has been pretty distraction free and while it's not been easy it's given me the time and space to focus on the things I'd been avoiding.

[Sapling]

That is really encouraging to hear, GettingOOTF. Good for you 
I'm hoping to do the same in the year ahead.

[Stillirise]

I really appreciate this thread! Thanks!  I've been leaning into the lag-time, I suppose.  I feel like my entire life, I've been on the move.  For years, I had this mentality that I had to work hard, or play hard, all the time.  My stbxUPDh was the same.  That's partly how we ended up together.  This is the first extended pause I've ever experienced.  I've used this time to really be present with, and focus on my children, as well as myself.  I have recently started re-focusing on just a couple close friendships.  I'm not sure I will ever want to expand my circle to the point that it was pre-Covid and divorce (same timeframe).

I definitely feel the pull to only give my energy and time to those who feel authentic to me.  However, I have only a vague curiosity about meeting new people.   While there's been a whole lot to be sad about for the last year, I truly feel this pause may have been the right thing, at the right time, for my personal well-being. I'm so glad I went with my gut in the early days of the pandemic, and signed those papers to start the divorce.  That said, I'm also thankful to know this partially self-inflicted isolation won't last forever!

Hang in there everyone. I have faith that we will make it to the other side!