Coping with the Resentment of a PD sibling

[Sapling]

For years I wondered what the hell was wrong with my uPD sister and now that I finally have language for her traits (although no diagnosis) I do feel a sense of relief. I've put a lot of distance between us because I need to grow up, emotionally, and I don't think that will happen if I am constantly focused on her craziness and crazy talk. But when I do see her occasionally now, I still find it hard to deal with her very obvious resentment and almost compulsive passive aggression. The other day she told me I must be on the spectrum because I am "very odd". I ignored this. When I wished her happy new year she said "I just can't talk to you about your New Year's resolutions right now (even thought I hadn't mentioned any plans at all nor did I wish to). Her resentment is palpable and her tone is always catty. The way she talks to me even when I say totally neutral things is totally obnoxious.

In the moment, I basically ignore what she says and move on with the conversation but then afterwards I experience waves of anger about the way she makes me into an enemy in her own mind and then acts it out with me. I know I'm doing the right thing by not engaging, but it hurts to be the target of someone else's resentment and I feel powerless in the face of it. Like, there's nothing I can do about it.

[bloomie]

In the moment, I basically ignore what she says and move on with the conversation but then afterwards I experience waves of anger about the way she makes me into an enemy in her own mind and then acts it out with me. I know I'm doing the right thing by not engaging, but it hurts to be the target of someone else's resentment and I feel powerless in the face of it. Like, there's nothing I can do about it.

Sapling.. this is very hard. To be the object of a sibling's hostility and inexplicable resentment is painful. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Something stood out to me in your post... you 'feel powerless', but from where I sit on the other side of the screen are actually making very powerful decisions and taking powerful actions in the face of this.

You are choosing to ignore and refusing to engage in something that would not be productive and only lead to more hurt in the moment and you are putting distance between you and someone whose words and behaviors toward you are hurting you. AND you are keeping the level of 'warmth' in the relationship at the place that is best for you.

So often in my experiences with a sibling who has set themselves in an oppositional position and who is brimming with resentment, I have also refused to engage with the provocatuer they play. I felt like I was weak or showing weakness that would bring more abuse by not responding with power or calling them out on their behaviors toward me. And I felt awful about myself after these encounters.

I don't know what I was expecting of myself in retrospect. What was I supposed to do in the face of the relentless unhappiness and animus of a high conflict person? Why did I turn their bad behaviors upon myself like that? I was piling on and absorbing all of the negativity that I didn't cause, couldn't change, and couldn't cure.

I learned that my feelings were not = facts. I was actually very powerful and showing love toward my sibling and myself by refusing to engage and distancing myself from them and adjusting the temperature of the relationship. Choosing to remove myself from harm is powerful. and is loving. Even more powerful when it is a sibling we care about who is attached to us from all kinds of angles.

You are empowered and using your tools and showing emotional, relational maturity. Bravo!

[Jolie40]

one of my many siblings is very much like PD parent
since I was SG, sibling started treating me as SG & would call & blame me for things
(things that I wasn't even involved with at all!) anger & resentment sent my way often

like you, Sapling, it hurt to be treated like this by sibling

I was always extra kind to this sibling, helping when needed as they were needy (like PD parent)
however, whatever I did for them, it was never enough (also, like PD parent)


after a super chaotic yr, I went NC with all FOO last summer
6 months of freedom

[Sapling]

Something stood out to me in your post... you 'feel powerless', but from where I sit on the other side of the screen are actually making very powerful decisions and taking powerful actions in the face of this.

Thank you for reminding me of this Bloomie. I haven't been able to look at it this way because I am still trying to accept the reality of the situation. My sister and I used to be friends (when I was in the FOG) and now that I am coming Out of the FOG it seems everything is getting worse between us. Her resentment is, as you say, "inexplicable" and that's the hardest part. My eldest sibling, who was the SG in our family, manages to interact with me without any resentment, even though they have every right to resent us as a family. That's partly why none of this makes sense to me.

So often in my experiences with a sibling who has set themselves in an oppositional position and who is brimming with resentment, I have also refused to engage with the provocatuer they play. I felt like I was weak or showing weakness that would bring more abuse by not responding with power or calling them out on their behaviors toward me. And I felt awful about myself after these encounters.

I don't know what I was expecting of myself in retrospect. What was I supposed to do in the face of the relentless unhappiness and animus of a high conflict person? Why did I turn their bad behaviors upon myself like that? I was piling on and absorbing all of the negativity that I didn't cause, couldn't change, and couldn't cure.

I can really relate to what you're saying here. That you for sharing this. I also question myself: am I being assertive enough? Am i opening myself up to further abuse down the line because I am not reacting? Am I making a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal? etc. etc. But I think you're right that "Choosing to remove myself from harm is powerful." I think for me, one of the biggest challenges has been to really accept that what happens between my sister and I, is harmful.

[Sapling]

Jolie40, congratulations on going NC with your FOO. I am currently VLC with my uPD sister. I don't regret it but I do find it hard.

I watched what my eldest SG sibling had to go through and I feel for you. They simply do not engage with uPD sis. I've learnt a few things about boundaries from them because, out of all of us, I think they had to have the strongest boundaries with our parents.

I hope you find a similar peace of mind.

[Sheppane]

 But when I do see her occasionally now, I still find it hard to deal with her very obvious resentment and almost compulsive passive aggression.

Yes Sapling,  I get this too. To the point that I fear her resentment of me before I see her- it is so palpable.  I have decided I am resigning from the role of always breaking the ice and " warming " her up. Instead I plan to take her at face value.

The advice you have already been given is great - you do have power and you are using it where you can - power over your response,  no power over her behaviour.

It is a very nasty feeling. I understand what you mean about the biggest challenge being to accept that she is harming you. But it is harmful. That tone you speak of is extremely controlling and punishing. Passive aggressive communication is abusive. You deserve better.

[LemonLime]

Oh Sapling, I'm so sorry.  Your story is so similar to mine.
My sister was the SG, or at least she saw herself as SG and me as GC.  I was nice to her but not overly as kid, as I felt from a very very early age that she resented me (she's older than me).   It's tricky because we had been close, when I was in the FOG.  She kept her passive-aggression mostly low key except when she couldn't anymore and would explode at someone in a rage.  We were all expected to carry on as if NOTHING had happened, and if we were to bring it up we were punished swiftly with cutting words.
Finally I matured and grew into setting boundaries.   And the next time she raged at me I calmly cut her off.
Since then she vascillates between hoovering and discarding.  It's absolutely amazing to me how the discard is JUST BARELY under the surface of the love-bombing.  If I don't respond to the love-bombing in a way she wants, as in I don't fall for it, she immediately throws a sarcastic barb my way.

She has also called me "odd" on so many occasions, like your sis does.   I have come to believe that she does it as a distraction technique, to distract from her horrible behavior.  It's sort of a "let's talk about how weird you are, Lemon Lime", so that the attention is on me, not her.    OR, she sees me as odd because to her it is truly odd for someone to have self-esteem and to be calm and have boundaries.    She stares at me sometimes and I wonder if she is thinking how confusing I am to her.   Really, I'm just a normal person.

I don't know if any of that might apply to your situation too.   This is truly one of the hardest things I've done, going LC with her.   I feel like a cold and bitchy person, probably what she thinks I am anyway.  But she drove me to this.  It's not my true nature.  She will never be able to see that though.   I am always questioning and reassuring myself that my way is the healthy way, and I do truly feel much relief in some ways.  But I have lost a sister through this terrible disease, and through no fault of my own.   It's mind-bending and tragic.   You are not alone.

[Sapling]

The advice you have already been given is great - you do have power and you are using it where you can - power over your response,  no power over her behaviour.

It is a very nasty feeling. I understand what you mean about the biggest challenge being to accept that she is harming you. But it is harmful. That tone you speak of is extremely controlling and punishing. Passive aggressive communication is abusive. You deserve better.

Thanks Sheppane. "Controlling and punishing" is exactly what it feels like. Thank you for affirming that I'm doing the right thing.

She has also called me "odd" on so many occasions, like your sis does.   I have come to believe that she does it as a distraction technique, to distract from her horrible behavior.  It's sort of a "let's talk about how weird you are, Lemon Lime", so that the attention is on me, not her.    OR, she sees me as odd because to her it is truly odd for someone to have self-esteem and to be calm and have boundaries.    She stares at me sometimes and I wonder if she is thinking how confusing I am to her.   Really, I'm just a normal person.

Yes, LemonLime! I really relate to what you're saying. I do think bringing the conversation back to "look how odd you are" is a distraction. I also think it is a way to evade accountability. Like, my sister sets up the narrative that I'm not the yardstick for normal so that she doesn't have to be accountable to me when she doesn't meet my expectations. It's easier for her to believe that my standards are outlandish than to admit that perhaps her own limitations are preventing her from meeting those expectations.

I know what you mean about questioning and reassuring yourself that your distance from your sis is the healthy way. I feel the same, which is why I need to talk about it on here. I'm never quite sure I'm doing the right thing and I think my sis actively feeds that doubt in me with her controlling behavior and her shamelessness. *sigh* 

[LemonLime]

Oh Sapling I think you are spot on about the yardstick idea.   That makes perfect sense.
These people live in an alternate universe, one that they have to continuously keep crafted so as to prevent intrusion of the real world.
This involves constantly "managing" the people and events in their life and altering those people and events so that the PD can maintain their fantasy.

What's really sad for me is that if she would just apologize for her behavior and tell me she's working on herself, I would forgive in a second.
I'd still be very cautious with her for a long time, but I would happily forgive.   She is going to so much work to protect her image rather than focusing that work on getting therapy for herself.   She could be healing....

[LemonLime]

I forgot to say that with their black-and-white thinking, the PD always has to make someone "wrong".   If they can't make someone else wrong, then they must be wrong, in their mind.   There's no such thing as two people just having different ways of doing things or a different opinion with both people being OK/right.   They cannot hold dichotomies in their brain.  Thus their aggressiveness about finding a villain (and of course the villain cannot be themselves).
Ironically I don't want to find a villain, I simply want to solve the problem and move on.  But no such luck.

[Sapling]

Oh Sapling I think you are spot on about the yardstick idea.   That makes perfect sense.
These people live in an alternate universe, one that they have to continuously keep crafted so as to prevent intrusion of the real world.
This involves constantly "managing" the people and events in their life and altering those people and events so that the PD can maintain their fantasy.

Exactly!

What's really sad for me is that if she would just apologize for her behavior and tell me she's working on herself, I would forgive in a second.

Oh, LemonLime! I really hear what you're saying but I don't think there is such as thing as "just apologize". Imho even "normal", healthy people struggle to apologize at times. I think it takes strength and self-awareness and self-esteem to be able to apologize sincerely and PDs just don't have that. And even when they do apologize, they often repeat the behavior anyway because of their compulsive, reactive nature. I think that's what makes it especially hard; it's hard to overcome their behavior because there is no closure or acknowledgement

[JenniferSmith]

Over the span of one year, I went from being on good terms to being the devil incarnate in my sibling's mind. It was a complete 180 degree turn.  They convinced themselves that I did something for reasons that are 1000% untrue.  No amount of trying to convince them of this made a difference.

For years I have struggled to understand what happened. I realized that their mind is completely distorted about me and I am essentially being used as a target to direct all their anger about our broken family. They can't face how sad and dysfunctional our family is, so instead they direct rage/disdain onto me.  Its been very painful. Its meant we have been estranged for over a decade because I never had the strength to stand up to their rage, and I am sure they also blame me for the fact we are now estranged as well.

[BerneseMtnMom]

This thread really hit home.  I suspected resentment as a reason for the treatment I got from my narc sis. 

I was unwilling to give her or loan her money in 2009.  I flippantly said, go ask Dad for the money.  I do not know what happened between them at that time, so I do not know if he loaned her the money or gave her the money, but he documented a reduction in his assets that went to her.  Flash forward to 2019, when he became elderly and frail and we needed to use his money to take care of him in his own home.  Well, then it was time for me to be his 24-hour caregiver instead of hiring help (according to narc dad and narc sis). 

I have had tough times, but dealing with the two of them and trying to maintain my boundaries about Dad's elder care was a low in my life.  My dad passed in 2020 and we are now dealing with his estate.  Once that is over, I will be NC.  No looking back.

[Sapling]

Over the span of one year, I went from being on good terms to being the devil incarnate in my sibling's mind. It was a complete 180 degree turn.  They convinced themselves that I did something for reasons that are 1000% untrue.  No amount of trying to convince them of this made a difference.

JenniferSmith, you've just described exactly what happened to me too. It is very painful and confusing and I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I don't think there is any "standing up to" this kind of rage, because essentially it's their delusion. How can one stand up to a delusion? I'm VLC with my uPD sis because I feel that any attempt to engage with her resentment would be feeding it more. She needs a punching bag. That's all. She doesn't care about truth and she is not going to examine her own part in anything so there's no point. I find it hard to explain to others though, when people ask me how she is (because we used to be so close).

BerneseMtnMom, I can totally understand why you are going NC! That sounds like such a hard time and with no support. Dealing with multiple PDs at the best of times is exhausting, but in a time of crisis- it is truly a harrowing experience.

It is slowly becoming clearer to me (and I need to remind myself of this regularly) that the resentment is not about me. It is not personal even though it feels like that and they want you to believe that. The PD is a type of person who will resent someone close to them regardless of what people do or don't do. It is their entrenched pattern of misperception that you're dealing with and you do not need to take it on. I wish you peace on the others side of dealing with your Dad's estate, and beyond.

[JenniferSmith]

Over the span of one year, I went from being on good terms to being the devil incarnate in my sibling's mind. It was a complete 180 degree turn.  They convinced themselves that I did something for reasons that are 1000% untrue.  No amount of trying to convince them of this made a difference.

JenniferSmith, you've just described exactly what happened to me too. It is very painful and confusing and I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I don't think there is any "standing up to" this kind of rage, because essentially it's their delusion. How can one stand up to a delusion? I'm VLC with my uPD sis because I feel that any attempt to engage with her resentment would be feeding it more. She needs a punching bag. That's all. She doesn't care about truth and she is not going to examine her own part in anything so there's no point. I find it hard to explain to others though, when people ask me how she is (because we used to be so close).

BerneseMtnMom, I can totally understand why you are going NC! That sounds like such a hard time and with no support. Dealing with multiple PDs at the best of times is exhausting, but in a time of crisis- it is truly a harrowing experience.

It is slowly becoming clearer to me (and I need to remind myself of this regularly) that the resentment is not about me. It is not personal even though it feels like that and they want you to believe that. The PD is a type of person who will resent someone close to them regardless of what people do or don't do. It is their entrenched pattern of misperception that you're dealing with and you do not need to take it on. I wish you peace on the others side of dealing with your Dad's estate, and beyond.

Sapling - thanks for the response. I am sad you understand, but it helps to know that others have experienced such a confusing experience.  Like you, I have been working on reminding myself that the anger my sibling has towards me is actually not about me, but rather something they've latched onto in their mind.

Ever since we had the big fight over this false belief they have about me, we've been estranged. I honestly felt like I didn't know what to say to them because the anger they had toward me was based on things that aren't true. Its not like my sibling is mentally ill and is experiencing hallucinations or delusions.  Its not that type of break with reality.

I think my actions triggered a certain level of intense shame and hurt in them, and they cannot tolerate these feelings, so they converted them to rage and blame and punishment of me. I became the "source" of all of their pain in their mind. But the level of intense rage just feels WAY beyond the actual circumstances....and like you said, I don't know how to respond to that.