How do I process my life

[Associate of Daniel]

Losing my husband (uNPD exH left me for his now uNPD wife over 8 years ago), I can get over.  I did a long while ago.

But how do I "get over" losing my son (ds14)?

He chose to live with them from the age of 13.

That now means I essentially only see him for 3 1/2 days a fortnight and half the holidays.

It also means I'm cut out of all of his medical appointments.  UNPD exH doesn't follow the court orders that say we are to notify each other of upcoming appointments and then to report the results to each other.

It also means I'm extremely limited with my involvement with his schooling since his school is an hour's drive away.

I don't know any of his school friends.

I don't get to help with his homework.

I don't get to wash his clothes, arrange his haircuts. Be with him when he's had a bad day at school.

I don't get to do the "boring" stuff of parenting.  That stuff that in reality is such a privilege and blessing.

A husband can be replaced. (Although I certainly don't say that by any means lightly. And the chances of it happening for me are slim to none.)

But nothing, NOTHING can replace a child. Nothing can replace the role of a mother. (Or father)

My marriage and mother role have been ripped away from me by evil.

I can work til I drop. I can have many friends.  I could have a full social life (if I could be half bothered).

But it all means nothing if I can't be my son's mother.

Whilst our relationship is thankfully strong, I'm more of his friend now. And that's not right.

I shouldn't have to be dealing with the empty nest 6-10 years earlier than is right.

I'm thankful that his physical needs are being met.  But I worry for his spiritual, emotional and mental health while he's living with the uNPDs.

How do I accept that this is my life now?

Is anyone else here in this situation?  How have you dealt with it?

AOD

[1footouttadefog]

I cannot imagine.  As a mother I am sorry for you that you find yourself distanced like this. 

If your roll is friend, oerhaps you can little by little let your friend know about your change in roles and how it feels. 

For the medical stuff perhaps you can get hiipa access withbtue medical office.

[Kat54]

I understand your feelings. It feels like you are this outsider looking In, not in their day to day. It's such a terrible feeling.

My children are a bit older in their early 20's, but still live at home with their father in our family home. Hope and pray they move out. When we split my daughter was still in college and my son was home working for his father.

The first year I had left was the worst. We live in a summer beach resort and I stopped going to the beach to relax on weekends because they would come with my ex to the beach and walk right past me and barely an acknowledgement. It was the worst hurt in the world and I couldn't stay. Today they still remain very loyal to him snd go out to local pubs with him and still the beach in summer, but it's very slowly getting better. It's the new normal and I have to pave my new path. I know they love me but I keep trying. I live an hour away and they come up occasionally and I talk to them every week.

It will get better.

[notrightinthehead]

AOD, I am sorry.  So much grieving to do.  Sending you a big hug

[Boat Babe]

That's just awful. I am so sorry and I hope that things start to shift for you and your DS. Sending  love ❤️