Advice on dealing with triggers

[engineer31]

I posted for the first time about a week ago and received some helpful advice. I've also been reading through everyone's past experiences and it feels validating to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel so crazy. I didn't give much backstory on my first post, so I'll go ahead and do it now.

DH and I have been married for 8 years. I got along with my MIL for about the first year of our marriage until after I had DD.  DH was military and he would leave for a few weeks, be home for a few weeks and come back, etc. Right after I had DD, DH was gone and I needed to get the lawn mowed, so I asked uBPDMIL to come over and hang out with DD so I could mow the yard. She said she had just gotten back from out of town and said she could come over tomorrow. I told her to nevermind, it was going to rain that night so I needed to get it done. I then called my M who said she would come over on her way home from work. I started to cut the yard and of course my lawn mower died and I couldn't finish. I had only done half the front. I go inside, aggravated that it's so tall and going to be longer because i have no idea what's wrong with the thing. I'm inside talking to my mom about it, and we look out the back window and my neighbor was in our backyard mowing the grass. I was so extremely thankful for him that I posted on social media about how great our neighbor is and how thankful I am for him. When my DH got back home, my MIL called him crying because she felt like I was bashing her. Since then, anytime I do something she doesn't like, or I don't do something she expects, my DH gets a phone call, usually her crying and trying to turn him against me.

uPDMIL and family live halfway across country and one year I took 2 weeks off so myself, DH and DD could go there for Christmas. My M and sis were flying out to see my cousins at the same time. Before we left my DH agreed that he was ok with me driving with DH and DD, 1,000 miles and then taking a plane to visit with my family for a couple days out of our 2 week trip. DD and I were literally gone for 3 days and when I came back DH was angry that I left and said his family was angry.

While i was still on maternity leave after DS was born, uPDMIL came to visit and pulled my H into the bedroom and shut the door. When he came out (she stayed in) he told me to give him DS so I could get off the couch and do something because he was afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of both kids and keep up with chores when he goes back to work. I promptly went to the bedroom and cried. I was so angry. I knew MIL had said something to him to make him say this. After that, she pulled him aside again and told him that she could sense the tension in the room and if we wanted to stay married we needed to work things out and get a therapist. There was only tension because she caused it!!

One thanksgiving when everyone was living closer, DH family decided to get together for Thanksgiving without telling us. They didn't tell us until they found out I would be in town with the kids because I had 4 interviews setup that week. Once they found out, I basically felt obligated to show up with the kids, without DH because he had to work; it was so awkward I asked my sis if she would come with me, and she did. It was so hurtful that they set this up and didn't tell us.

A few thanksgivings ago I was in the car with MIL and SIL and MIL started talking about BIL wife who wasn't there. Talking about their marriage problems and even threatened to take their kid away if they couldn't figure things out. It was so awkward and not ok. I decided to text BIL wife to share this info and let her know that I know what's it's like and IMO it's better to keep marriage issues out of the family because MIL likes to gossip and told her what she said. BIL wife then told MIL what I had said and MIL texted DH something along the lines of can we have an honest conversation. He said yes but she said nevermind, which peaked his curiosity and she went off on him. DH was ready to drive out there and tell his MIL that if she doesn't stop we wouldn't have a relationship with them. He then got a message from a cousin that started name calling and tearing me apart. Told DH to grow a pair and stand up to me and defend his wife. DH replied with a long message in which he stated that his M was a Narc and she immediately thought I had hijacked his phone and was responding to her messages myself! Feeling guilty, because I didn't want him to have to choose between my and his M, I called her and apologized and asked her that if she has any problems with me that she come to me, not H. She agreed. MIL and FIL then came to DD birthday and DH and I sat down with them and DH told them that when DH and kids drive to see them in the summer, we did not want that cousin to be around our family. They agreed. Then come to find out, after they went back home, MIL and FIL through a fit to BIL and SIL and spouses that we set up this boundary.

A few months went on, I was still seeing a therapist and I decided it was best to block my DH family on social media. My SIL shared a post about how schools need to be empasizing blue collar jobs and not everything is about college and white collar workers are slaves. I responded with my feelings of yes, they do, but white collar workers are not slaves. She responded with a thumbs up; so I blocked them. It was the straw that broke the camels back. MIL was livid that she wasn't "allowed" to see pics of her grandkids. She called DH and unloaded a laundry list of issues she has with me. From me not going to visit with DH and kids, but I could go to cousins bachelorette party. That we weren't coming to her house ON Christmas day. So many things. So, I decided to use my time and go during the summer. It was awkward and miserable and no one acted like family. We got back and I thought long and hard, and decided to text MIL how I was hurt. She wouldn't acknowledge anything she had done. She gaslighted, blame shifted, and redirected. After that, they continued to message DH acting like nothing had happened. I told DH that it makes me feel like I'm crazy when they treat me like this and continue to have a normal relationship with him and the kids. and I told him I wouldn't be going for Christmas. We talked to our therapist and he stood up for me. He wrote MIL and FIL a letter and said we wouldn't be coming, that they have not been treating me well and until they do, and they start respecting us, we wouldn't be communicating for awhile. They have continued to text DH on occasions like his b-day, thanksgiving, and random times. Now, not so frequently.

With all of these things (and more that have happened, I feel like i could go on forever), there are things that trigger me. Like when they decided to send us an anniversary present even though a week before that she shared something on social media about how parents are bad if they keep children from the grandparents. I also was going through my jewelry box recently and found a ring I didn't remember where I got it. DH said FIL gave it to MIL and MIL gave it to me. Then he said MIL gave it to DH to give to me. Either way it was MIL and I really don't want it. Every time I open my box i see it and I get triggered. Should i just hide it in the back of my drawer? Should I mail it back? DH doesn't want me to give it back because he's hoping one day we can pass it on to DS to give to wife....which I really don't want to do. With all of the hurt that the IL's have caused, I really just don't want it, but I don't know what to do. If you made it this far, thank you. I have appreciated everyone's advice on here. I'm trying to  mentally prepare myself for the weeks ahead because tomorrow DH and I have appt with t to talk about how to put up boundaries, and possibly start communicating with them again. I think because of this, I've been having bad dreams about MIL yelling at me and I'm just so tired.

[D.]

engineer31,

All of what you describe sounds so difficult.  My sister-in-law recently started putting up boundaries around whether and how she is willing to see mine and brother's parents.  Honestly for me I feel it was one of the things that helped bring me Out of the FOG.  My point being kudos to you for recognizing and taking steps to keep your own family healthy, that needs to be first.

As for triggers I have that happen as well.  I find the most important thing is to put my own health and well being first.  To follow my heart so to speak.  So if I want to remove an item from my visual periphery I do so.  I trust you will know what you want and follow through with that no matter what others, including your husband, say or want.

As for recontacting in-laws with boundaries given all that has happened that is such a personal and family decision.  I hope you don't feel too pushed and perhaps give that type of feedback to T.  Your safety comes before extended family wants for "closeness."  I hope that you can do whats works for you specifically. 

I know I have a plan in place for my uPDf when and if we see him again.  He gets one warning, if the inappropriate behavior continues then we leave.  Just knowing that is the plan gives me much peace. 

Anyway I am pretty new here and figuring this out along with everyone else.  I just want to say it is completely normal to feel triggered after all you've gone through.  And a lot of self-compassion, understanding, self-care will help immensely with triggers.

[Hilltop]

Sounds like you have been through a lot.  I do not have children so I don't feel like I can say much on that front.  Do your in-laws still live half way across the country?  If they do are you happy for your DH to visit them with the kids alone?  If you are happy with that how often would he do that and how often would you be comfortable with?  Have you thought about what you want to do around holidays etc?

I'm just wondering if they live away could it be up to your DH to send the pictures of the kids and keep his family updated.  Could you step into the background a little and keep your distance from them.  Let DH and the kids video call if they want etc or do you not want to be left out?  Have you thought about what boundaries you are comfortable with.  Not want your DH wants but yourself.

You say you saw something on social media where they made a comment about parents are bad if they keep children from their grandparents.  I would block your in-laws on social media so you don't see anything they say.  It will be triggering and there is no point in looking at it.  Her comments don't show any respect to either you or DH, how does he feel about that considering he said he wouldn't communicate unless they showed respect. 

As for the ring, can you give it to DH to keep somewhere with his belongings.  It doesn't need to be with your jewellery.  Looking at it, reminding yourself of your MIL will be triggering.  Give it to him to keep with whatever jewellery or watches or whatever he has, with his belongings.  I dare say he doesn't want the conversation with his mother about returning the gift. 

Dealing with triggers is hard, I needed distance from my MIL to heal and move past my anger.  There was never going to be an apology from her and she wasn't going to admit to any wrong doing so I really had to go NC for a period of time. I think in part I had to accept we weren't going to be friends, the relationship wasn't going to be great and I went for being civil.  She is much better now but I struggle to trust her so I still keep my distance.  I remember that seeing anything of hers was very triggering for me and I felt much better when I removed all reminders of her.    I hope the therapist has some good suggestions but don't be pushed in to anything you aren't comfortable with.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That all sounds extremely toxic. Years of it, without much redeeming quality of the relationships. I'm so sorry for all of this stress. It has an awful way of taking over your thoughts and emotional energy which you really want to spend on the good and important people in your life.

It also sounds very familiar. We're in a similar place with my in-laws. We said we would be out of communication, at least the kids and I, until we were shown basic respect. That was about three years ago now. And if nothing changes, nothing changes. They recently discarded my DH because he wouldn't force me back in contact with them. I'm very glad I didn't give in to pressure to "forgive and forget."

If there's no indication of change from the in-laws, what criteria are you using for being back in communication with them? The dreams and stress you are having over this I believe is your body and spirit telling you to stay away!

I have kids too, and one of our principles with dealing with this is, "Too toxic for me, too toxic for our kids." DH and I agreed that our children would not be in the middle of an adult conflict. Or potentially used as pawns. Or emotionally manipulated. We'd seen that behavior and NOPE. We went pretty far with that, DH not even sending them photos. We felt it would be unkind to essentially say, "Here's your beautiful grandchild you aren't allowed to see," and it was an occasion for guilt-tripping.

I could say a lot more, but real life duties call. I got so tired of being the hardass holding the boundaries against DH's FOG at times. But it is worth it to stay true to yourself and put your FOC well-being first.

[treesgrowslowly]

PDs can be awful in laws because they have someone new in the family who has to figure all if their stuff out.

And they have someone new who wants to have good relations with their new second family.

A lot of people take advantage of their new DIL or SIL and act out manipulations-  just as you describe. These people can't admit they are manipulative because that is not how they see themselves. 

I am sorry you've dealt with this. People here do understand about emotionally manipulative MILs.

Trees

[engineer31]

Thank you everyone, for the kind words and advice. This morning I moved the ring to one of DH drawers with his ties so I wouldn't see it anymore. Yesterday we had an appt with t; it was supposed to be about how to establish contact with them again (really how DH can). I spoke my truth and said I was fine if he wants to establish a relationship with them again but that if they ever started talking badly about me in front of the kids that they were no longer going to be able to visit with them. I told him that if his m called to complain to him about me, that he needed to shut it down , that even though I appreciate him defending me, it would be better to not entertain any of that. I told him that I didn't want to be left alone with them, at least not anytime soon. Him and my t both think that eventually I could be left alone so t wants me to do some future templates. I brought up the fact that if DH leaves me, then he should just be able to drop me off at a hotel instead of leaving me on my own in their house to feel uncomfortable. He told me he wishes there was a reset button and I said i wish there was too but there's not and I am so hurt by him saying that because I feel like I've tried so hard to "forgive and forget" without ever getting an apology. And I know I'm not ever going to get one. When he said that I automatically jumped back into my people pleasing mode and sent MIL a pic of the kids playing in the snow. I have been NC with her since October when I tried to have a conversation with her about how I've been hurt. Now I'm regretting the contact, even though nothing negative was said, I feel like I've invalidated myself once again. I told t that I didn't want to be part of any facetime, phone calls etc. I have about 3.5 months before the potential of them coming to our home for DS birthday, and I don't feel like another 3 months is going to be long enough for me. I told t that I don't mind if DH wants to take the kids without me, and DH doesn't want to go alone because he doesn't want to keep giving them ammunition to be able to say well why couldn't engineer31 come? Engineer31 never wants to come. I told him I don't care anymore. Idk how many times they have said that and I've bent over backwards, using all my PTO to please them. I'm done with that. I'm willing to go there once a year, for DH and kids, for now. I honestly don't want them in my house, so I'm thinking for DS and DD birthday, renting out an outdoor shelter at one of the parks near us. Them staying with us when they visit isn't an option because we don't have any extra beds.

[treesgrowslowly]

My advice is to seek out your own counsellor who has expertise in PDs.

Trees

[bloomie]

I'm willing to go there once a year, for DH and kids, for now. I honestly don't want them in my house, so I'm thinking for DS and DD birthday, renting out an outdoor shelter at one of the parks near us. Them staying with us when they visit isn't an option because we don't have any extra beds.

This is your boundary and this is how you will adjust your party plans to be able to include still include them and not host them in your private, sacred space. You do not have to convince anyone or ask permission. Your life. Your family. Your home. Your child's bday celebration.

You never, ever, ever have to be alone with anyone you do not have a safe and secure connection with. No matter who it is.

[engineer31]

You never, ever, ever have to be alone with anyone you do not have a safe and secure connection with. No matter who it is.

Thank you, Bloomie. This is the part that I didn't realize until coming to this forum, and I'm so glad I found this place.

[Hilltop]

Yay your boundaries sound really fair and workable.  The party outdoors is a great idea, it keeps them out of your house, neutral location, you can keep yourself busy with tasks and other people etc.  If you are happy to go with DH once a year, that's great, DH can also visit on his own if he wants to see them more.

I am concerned about your therapist though.  No, no, and more no to being alone with someone who is not safe, not trustworthy, or hurtful toward you.  No one else gets to decide who you spend time with, that is up to you.  If you are not comfortable alone with your MIL, if you do not feel safe, if you feel like you will be hurt or lied to or about, you do not have to spend any time alone with her, ever.

This is not about your DH, this is for you.  You are protecting yourself from further hurtful behaviour, no one else gets to tell you to put yourself in an unsafe position.

I would shut this down with your DH.  I told my DH that I no longer wanted to be alone with MIL because of all the trouble and that if alone it may lead to a he said/she said situation.  To prevent any future trouble it would be best if I only saw MIL when together and then there can be no miscommunication or complaints on either side.  Worked for us.

To be fair I also asked my DH how many times he had spent with my parents alone, without me, 0.  Would he be comfortable spending time alone with my parents without me, no.  I have to ask, why does your DH expect you to be with his family if he isn't with them.  If he cannot be there then so be it, you get to fill the day in with whatever you want to do.  He can't walk away from their rudeness and leave you alone to deal with them, that's not fair.

I see that you regretted sending a photo to your MIL.  Think of it as lesson learned.  It triggered you. Keep them blocked on social media.  DH can send pictures and photo's just fine, he is their son after all.  You know each family has their own language that they understand, they are use to each other.  I would hand this to DH and say that his family understand him and that communication would be better handled by him, less miscommunication, less problems or mixed signals etc. 

There isn't going to be a reset.  This wouldn't have happened if his family welcomed you with kindness.  It is normal for people to step back from rudeness and unkindness so his family should not be surprised by this.  Don't be forced into anything by your DH or therapist.  This isn't your problem, you didn't cause this.

[engineer31]

Yay your boundaries sound really fair and workable.  The party outdoors is a great idea, it keeps them out of your house, neutral location, you can keep yourself busy with tasks and other people etc.  If you are happy to go with DH once a year, that's great, DH can also visit on his own if he wants to see them more.

I am concerned about your therapist though.  No, no, and more no to being alone with someone who is not safe, not trustworthy, or hurtful toward you.  No one else gets to decide who you spend time with, that is up to you.  If you are not comfortable alone with your MIL, if you do not feel safe, if you feel like you will be hurt or lied to or about, you do not have to spend any time alone with her, ever.

This is not about your DH, this is for you.  You are protecting yourself from further hurtful behaviour, no one else gets to tell you to put yourself in an unsafe position.

I would shut this down with your DH.  I told my DH that I no longer wanted to be alone with MIL because of all the trouble and that if alone it may lead to a he said/she said situation.  To prevent any future trouble it would be best if I only saw MIL when together and then there can be no miscommunication or complaints on either side.  Worked for us.

To be fair I also asked my DH how many times he had spent with my parents alone, without me, 0.  Would he be comfortable spending time alone with my parents without me, no.  I have to ask, why does your DH expect you to be with his family if he isn't with them.  If he cannot be there then so be it, you get to fill the day in with whatever you want to do.  He can't walk away from their rudeness and leave you alone to deal with them, that's not fair.

I see that you regretted sending a photo to your MIL.  Think of it as lesson learned.  It triggered you. Keep them blocked on social media.  DH can send pictures and photo's just fine, he is their son after all.  You know each family has their own language that they understand, they are use to each other.  I would hand this to DH and say that his family understand him and that communication would be better handled by him, less miscommunication, less problems or mixed signals etc. 

There isn't going to be a reset.  This wouldn't have happened if his family welcomed you with kindness.  It is normal for people to step back from rudeness and unkindness so his family should not be surprised by this.  Don't be forced into anything by your DH or therapist.  This isn't your problem, you didn't cause this.

Thank you, Hilltop. I was definitely struggling last week after I sent the pic, but I am feeling a lot better today. I think everyone just expects me to be able to handle being alone with them because I'm the woman (idk). His family is very old school and expects the women to do everything (send pics, plan events, all the household chores, keep in contact with them). It's very frustrating because I have told DH that it's not fair that all of this stuff is expected of me, while I have a fulltime job. I explained to him that when we lived away from my family and I would take weekend trips to see my M and F, I didn't expect him to go and most of the time he didn't. And if he did go, we would do things as a family. I never expected him to stay with anyone in my family alone, and I never would expect it, especially if he said he wasn't comfortable with it. I've always tried to people please and after realizing that I don't have to be alone with anyone, without DH, I feel so much better. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.

[Cat of the Canals]

To be fair I also asked my DH how many times he had spent with my parents alone, without me, 0.  Would he be comfortable spending time alone with my parents without me, no.  I have to ask, why does your DH expect you to be with his family if he isn't with them.  If he cannot be there then so be it, you get to fill the day in with whatever you want to do.  He can't walk away from their rudeness and leave you alone to deal with them, that's not fair.

I so agree with this. Just the idea of being with my MIL alone makes me feel ill, and I've always kept enough distance that she's never done anything truly horrible to me.

I know how it can be hard to set this new boundary since you have probably done it before, and so now every expects it of you and wants to know whyyyyyyy. The why is that you changed your mind. We're allowed to do that. I've noticed that PDs simply LOVE to build rock-solid expectations based on something you did once before, even if it was 20 years ago. They are baffled and offended when they don't get exactly the same resources as before. But that's their problem.

Go easy on yourself when you do things like sending the photo. Boundaries are hard. Wanting to believe maybe things could be better is natural. It's uncomfortable and painful to be in the low-contact zone, and it's so tempting to want to try to get out of it somehow. You will probably slip again, but that's OK. You're human. You're learning.