Relationship Red Flags (please help me build a list)

[ShyTurtle]

Here are a few early red flags I watch out for which might indicate that I am dealing with a pd person in a new relationship:

- talks about themselves a lot (boasting)
- when I feel drained by being around them
- when they tell me I am just like them in so many ways
- when they feel the need to contact me and see what I'm up to constantly

Please add your red flags! Someone else suggested this become a topic in its own right to maybe help some other people and I thought it was a fantastic idea!  Thanks JollyJazz! 

[Poison Ivy]

Red flag: Person is overly deferential to their parents. (This turned out to be a sign of a PD in both my ex-spouse and his father.)

[Lauren17]

This is a good idea.

A yukky feeling deep in my belly when I first meet them. This has happened to me three times in my life, but I gave them a chance and ended up hurt.

This one I read online elsewhere but it 100% described uBPDh when we were dating. Casually makes a statement or observation that is way over the line. Acts confused and surprised when you get angry about it. Then plays victim until you're apologizing to them for being upset.  I believe this is them testing you to see if you'll respond to their manipulations.

[Janeite V]

Almost everyone in their life is "crazy" or "abusive," and this is used to justify their own actions or failures. Of course, all of us here have many stories that sound far-fetched to those who have not experienced PD-abuse. But this sort of red flag is when the person genuinely thinks everyone else has the problem and they are blameless. On a related note, people who despise "normies" or "sheeple" and consider themselves superior to the masses.

They are strangely forgetful and disorganized, and somehow this always results in manipulating you. They might leave their child with you "for a few minutes to visit [my] dying relative" and three hours later they return say they lost track of time. Or they might put you down as a reference for a job or house even though you don't have that relationship, forcing you to make a decision on the spot when you are called - to lie or to rat them out. And of course they forgot to tell you or accidentally put you there.

They make grand gestures really quickly on in the relationship. Spending huge amounts of money (which may well have been scammed out of another supply) doing really nice favours for you, and going on holidays with you very quickly. It's terrible that this has to be a red flag, but this is classic love-bombing.

Their manner changes drastically depending on who they are with. Your boss might be a tyrant to his or her workers, for example, but extremely deferential towards clients. More confusing is when they are extremely kind to you but callous towards other individuals and groups. It's difficult not to feel grateful for the kindness, but definitely don't ignore this.

[Prototypian]

Anger for the sake of anger seeming to draw attention to them especially when there is no need.  Anger that is used to ensure all of the focus becomes on them but for things that can easily be remedied or that aren't worth being angry about.

[SparkStillLit]

Moving at lightning speed! Bowling you over with "nice" and "sweet" and trying to take up all your time, but gee they're so NICE or that's so CUTE or gosh isn't that SPECIAL?
BLECH!!!!! Love bombing indeed! Also not listening, space invading, and taking over. LOOK OUT! Not nice or sweet or special at ALL!

[Janeite V]

Another common one which I forgot: walking ahead of you while you are out together in public. It's like they're embarrassed to be seen with you and want to force you to run to keep up with them.

I'm disabled and most of my FOO do this when we are out in public, all of them walking way out of my sight while I am falling over or struggling to keep up. That, or they loudly complain that they are "stuck" behind you. But they did this before I was disabled as well.

[Dollydrops]

1. Constant overbearing contact which is habitual....then days where you wonder where theyve gone.
2. Obsessive deep love talk but you see them watching/ touching other women.
3. Making suggestions about your personality. In my case he said before we were a thing 'I think you're a very patient person'....it was a 'tell'.   
4. As above...asked me for a reference for a job. Got all my details from it, Then didnt even use it.
5. Would make references about me as 'reminds me of a lass I work with'
6. Would name drop and fish for my opinion.
7. Saying they have no money but bragging about things they just bought.
8. Going through your phone or other private things.
9. Make arrangements to see you and then forget despite claiming to be thinking of you all the time.
10. Testing you eg: 'just passed out and had a funny turn. Dont reply, will get back to you when I can'
11. Talk about something you supposedly did together and you know it wasnt you.
12. Never answer a question with yes or no,
13. Copying your style of writing/phrases and body language.
14. Calling you by a pet name very early on. Beautiful, Babe, I told him I dont like 'Babe'....still called me it and still does.
15. Gets mixed up with who hes talking to.
16. Sends photos, then sends the same ones a few weeks later, forgot who he sent them to.
17. Talks about friends a lot especially female ones but doesnt have a Male friend to call his own.
18. Diverts any important conversation to another topic, usually a sob story or pity play.
19.  Suddenly has a lot of problems or dramas in his life ( but can open up to you because you're the only one who gets him'.
20. Switches the relationship status from lovers to friends to buddies without telling you but you can feel it in the contact or lack thereof and then back again if you mention it.
21. Tell them something about yourself, they take over with all about them ...or someone else. At first they're attentive...after a while you can feel the disinterest.
22. Vague about plans when they once couldnt get enough of you but it always depends on someone else....not their fault.
23. Pulling back on contact but you can see them active on other apps when theyd normally be talking to you.
24. Catching lies or contradictions or theres just something they're leaving out of the story which leaves you analysing everything.
25. All his past women have been 'head cases' wouldnt leave him alone or want him back or some nother story you dont even need to hear.
26. Something feels off during intimacy, either robotic or disengaged or there will be requests for things which dont equate to real love.
27. The intimacy slows down or comes to a halt despite being told 'you're all I can think about'.
28. You just feel switches in the dynamics.
29. You darent ask questions or for explanations because you dont want to appear needy or desperate or give them a reason to back off.
30. You feel like they're pushing your buttons to play mind games or set you off balance.
There are hundreds more, but mainly you'll feel like a princess....until you feel like a frog.

[blunk]

-Jumping head first into one hobby/interest after another, nothing holds their attention for very long.
-Anger that is not proportional to the situation.
-Being outright rude to strangers, cashiers, servers.
-Not able to show emotion, even in appropriate situations like the loss of a close relative.
-Telling you how to feel, and/or dismissing your emotions
-Having to teach you how to do things, even if you have done said thing before and they have not
-Pushing friends away, and then complaining that they're the "outsider" in their friend group
-Moving too fast in the relationship, you're "soulmates" or "meant to be" after a few days

There are so many, I may add some more later as I think of them.

[SparkStillLit]

Geeze Louise Blunk. You just described uPDH. RED ALERT!!!! Duh. Nuts to me.

[blunk]

It's amazing Spark, how similar they are in their behaviors. It really is like they all have a secret play-book. And this site is like the opposing team who has gotten a glimpse at that book...if we can anticipate what their next play will be, we have a chance to counter it (and I would say win the game, but there really is no winning as long as we play against a PD).

[SparkStillLit]

No winning, EVER. Countering, maybe. Defensive moves, certainly. Offensive moves, dangerous!
Like a chess game you'll never win, just maybe stalemate or get up and flip the damn board. Done with you.

[losingmyself]

Did anyone say over sharing? Telling you intimate details about their lives waaaayyy too soon?

[SparkStillLit]

Making up weird shizz about intimate details that CANNOT POSSIBLY be true?
Demanding that you share intimate details, in extreme detail. I will NEVER, EVER do that again. If there is ever "again".

[Dollydrops]

Overreacting about illnesses.
Complaining constantly about being hard done to, at home, at work.
Doesnt seem to be supportive to you on your achievements.
Puts himself down to garner compliments.
Always falling out with someone.
Often in trouble or disputes at work.
Bumps himself up with 'so and so said I'm the best at my job' and other things similar....also garnering for compliments.
Keeps saying 'I've always been insecure due to being hurt in the past.
Rigid with routine times for chores, texting times, dog walks etc.
Replaces things and 'beloved' pets immediately after their demise....no time for grieving.
Forgets the little  important things they once thought were cute about you.
Take from you quite easily, gifts, money, favours but any in return are usually for their own bolster or a peace offering.

[SparkStillLit]

Oh my GOSH the throw away mentality! As soon as sonething is not interesting or is a bother, away with it, even if it is a living thing!!! Yes!!

[11JB68]

Saying 'I love you' way to early in the relationship
Lying (about little things) to me and to my family (in front of me - thus 'making me' complicit in the lie(s))
Manipulating me into a date - rather than just asking directly for a date
'Stealing' me from then-current bf/okay with me cheating with him on the bf (while this is a big NO-NO in his eyes, cheating etc)
Jealousy
Having derogatory 'nick-names' for people whom he dislikes
Pushing me (not hard, no injury but still) during an argument - (Pushing  his mom the same way during an argument)
Punching walls etc when angry

[losingmyself]

SERIOUSLY!! Are we all with the same person??
Do they have a playbook I'm not aware of??
It's almost creepy!!

[ShyTurtle]

SERIOUSLY!! Are we all with the same person??
Do they have a playbook I'm not aware of??
It's almost creepy!!

First, this thread/entire forum is the playbook.

And also, the red flags listed here are awesome!! Let's keep this going!

[Andeza]

If in the first five minutes after meeting them, you've already got about half their life story or the litany of all their medical problems, they might be a pwPD. Had a new neighbor do that. Also, delusions of grandeur. She thought she would help my DH build his business so big we'd never have to worry about money ever again... Yeah... we. just. met. you. NO.

If someone at work makes the offhand comment "Don't worry, we won't micromanage you!" they might end up being a pwPD and do exactly that. Had a person get promoted to assistant supervisor of my division and attempt to micromanage all of the people in my job class. Problem was she knew very little about the actual day-to-day operation of our job title and ended up just making herself seem incapable. They had her do a sit-along I guess you'd call it, and she bugged out after a few hours because just sitting watching us work was too stressful.

If you never hear the words, "I get/understand where you're coming from."

If you never hear the words, "I'm sorry I did XYZ and hurt you."

If you never hear the words, "It's my fault."

I think that what is absent is sometimes just as important as what is highly visible.