Ambivalence

[foggydude]

I know they say this is a trait of the codependent, and it is killing me.

While I read of folks here in similar circumstances and have yet to leave or are stuck in their R, I have left. However, I am stuck between I dont wish to be with someone that doesnt value what I bring and provides emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical abuse. Yet, I miss her still, I reach for her in the night and I want for her attention every single moment kf the day fkr far too many months now.
I am disempowered, lost and can't find my way out or forward in my life. What a mess
Maybe you resonate with this. I NEED A CURE AS I FEEL DISEASED OR INFECTED.

[Dollydrops]

Hi Foggy,
I think this is normal for someone who's been emotionally abused. Trauma bonds comes to mind.
When I previously ended things with my acquaintance I was devastated. I ended it only because I was close to having a breakdown, had been devalued again for the third time all whilst he kept me there with intermittent professions of deep love for me. I'd tried to end it because of that and  and two days later my whole life blew up...all initiated by him. I was heartbroken but knew he'd still, even after all that, come back at some point like nothing happened.....he did one month later. I mustered all the dignity I had left to put some closure on things but it was excruciating pain. I, like you cried for him every night, couldn't function and two years later I still felt the same but was just about learning to live a normal life again when he came back. I allowed it hoping for answers or an adult talk and maybe hoping to be at least friends. All I did was open up my own heart for more confusion and heartbreak.
Please believe me that with each night that you cry it out and keep telling yourself you left for YOU that it will get easier with time. I had counselling and even that didn't help I just wanted to be told that he'd loved me. What I was told was that I had PTSD and broken heart syndrome but it was down to me to 'feel the pain, slowly let it go etc'.
I didn't realise how much of my heart and soul I'd given away or even think about my family.
Own your own feelings, take it a day at a time, tell yourself she loved you but not in the way you loved her or in a normal balanced way....if it helps.
Write a diary of your feelings no matter how bad they are. At the moment you feel lost, but you will one day see things clearer.
Take care of yourself.

[notrightinthehead]

As you write, Codependency comes to mind. Maybe the answer lies in looking at yourself kindly, lovingly - just like a smoker who has given up - you long for it every day, every minute, even though you know smoking is bad for you.  I have not smoked for 30 years, still when I sit down to have a cup of coffee,  sometime the thought, Oh I wish, I could light a cigarette now, comes to mind.  I smile at that. Shake my head. I know why I don't do it.

After I left my NPDh I thought about him most of the time.  Whenever I became aware of that, I told myself - sometimes even loudly - Stop! I don't want to think about him! I want to think about myself or something else!  And I made an effort to think about myself.  Over time I realized how much I had contributed to my misery. How much of my behaviour had enabled him to treat me like he did. And that gave me something to work on. My own behaviour,  that is where I started to make changes.

Wishing you all the best