He thinks he does so much for me!!!

Dodo · January 29, 2021, 03:04:04 PM

So my updp and I had another argument yesterday about something silly, I have an appointment downtown that my lawyer set up for a law suit I'm involved in. My partner got so mad at the lawyer and started getting upset saying "(he just expects you to jump when he says jump, blah blah blah) The thing I think is that he is upset about possibly having to drive me there, he is so anxiety ridden about going out of his area of comfort and feels that I may expect him to. But I don't expect that as he never has before, we didn't speak last night and today he says that he I'm so snipey to him and he doesn't like the way I talk to him. He is right I am, he drives me nuts and I have a hard time not being grumpy with him. As he left today he said "maybe some day you will appreciate me". Oh god I'm fed up, he thinks he does so much for me and always say to me you always do what you want to do so what does it matter what I say. I'm not sure how to respond to this, I want to break up because as I have said on many occasion I can't see this working in the long run and I'm not getting any younger but keep getting sucked back in as it is so inconvenient to break up. Help!

notrightinthehead · January 29, 2021, 03:22:33 PM

Breaking up is hard to do. Why don't you start small with some small separations? Money. Living arrangement. Does not even have to be forever, can just be for a while. And then you check how things develop.

Dodo · January 29, 2021, 10:26:08 PM

tell me how to do that? I can't seem to bring myself to do this, even though I know it would be the best! Right now he is upstairs and I am down and we are not really talking. He went on about my sister in law again saying that she is everything that he despises "she's drinks too much, she's a terrible mother and grandmother (she's not), she has a foul mouth, she hates him". My daughter in law is a socio. I didn't say anything as I know it is pointless. If I say anything I am defending them and why would I do that.

notrightinthehead · January 31, 2021, 02:25:15 AM

Sounds to me like you feel trapped? Do you have your own income? Income that he has no access to and no control over? If not, what can you do to get that?

Dodo · January 31, 2021, 03:14:43 PM

I do feel trapped I believe it's because of him and covid. I am financially independent thanks to my late husband and my late Mom. This is not the problem, we are 50 50 about everything and if I moved my partner couldn't afford to live here without me. Our lease is up at the end of April. I want to make my own plans without him but can't find the courage to break it off, He is a black and white person and I know if I break up with him he will be gone and I'll probably never see him again, which is OK but I can't help feeling bad for him, the stress of it all is worse than living together. We do get along on a day to day level and because of covid this is the life style my partner is use to. I guess I am biding my time as I can't do anything right now anyway and flip back and forth like a dolphin.

blew · January 31, 2021, 04:57:30 PM

When I read this, I can't help but think of Yoda; "Do. Or not do. There is no try."

In your mind, you've already made up your mind and clearly the $$ is not holding you back. This is no way to live and you know that PDs almost never get any better, and often get worse. This situation is not magically going to resolve itself. You have to do it. Many, many moons ago I dated a girl for years. I felt guilty that I was drawn to other women, but I feared hurting her feelings and how bad it world be and on and on. Of course, this was just me being a coward. We eventually broke up and we both went off and married different people. We lived our lives. My long-winded point is that it'll be OK. It really will.

Medowynd · February 01, 2021, 04:54:59 PM

Don't let pity trap you into years of this. With your lease ending in April, now is a great time to start looking for a new place to live by yourself. He has survived xx years and will continue to survive. Maybe make some plans to travel or visit friends, give yourself some daylight at the end of the tunnel. Knowing that there is a deadline ahead, can help you start planning in earnest.

1footouttadefog · February 08, 2021, 09:29:42 AM

Quote from: Dodo on January 31, 2021, 03:14:43 PM
I do feel trapped I believe it's because of him and covid. I am financially independent thanks to my late husband and my late Mom. This is not the problem, we are 50 50 about everything and if I moved my partner couldn't afford to live here without me. Our lease is up at the end of April. I want to make my own plans without him but can't find the courage to break it off, He is a black and white person and I know if I break up with him he will be gone and I'll probably never see him again, which is OK but I can't help feeling bad for him, the stress of it all is worse than living together. We do get along on a day to day level and because of covid this is the life style my partner is use to. I guess I am biding my time as I can't do anything right now anyway and flip back and forth like a dolphin.

He is an adult. Let him find a living arrangement and dont feel bad for him. You will be amazed how he will do for himself. Of ots a money thing , give him cash for forst months rent and a utility deposit.

April is a wonderful time to start fresh in a new place. Also if you mean that much to him he will use that time to work in things with you while separated.

If not you will know where you stand with him.

Dodo · February 08, 2021, 02:27:38 PM

thank you everyone, so true I know he will fine, its just easier to break up when you are fighting and we are getting along good right now. I have been thinking about April for the past year now, he is in a different place than I am, I guess I feel deceitful, I flip around because of this but I know in the long run it will be the best decision for me and probably him too, I want so much more than he can give!