Grandfather's Death: Here Comes Guilt

[GrowingFerns]

Hi All,

My grandfather passed away last night (the father of my uBPD Mother). My emotions are complicated because I know he was physically and emotionally abusive to my grandmother (now deceased) and their children in the past.

More to the point, my brother- with whom I have been attempting to restore contact- has dropped his usual demeanor of respect even though he doesn't completely understand. He emailed me to inform me of his passing and to say that the family is "craving" some sort of reaching out during this time, even a small gesture. His language is unsettling as he ends his email with (to paraphrase) "Even though its hard, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and just do the dang thing!"

Longstory short, my emotions are swirling! I know I shouldn't reach out because that feels unfaithful to my NC commitment. However, my brain is sending me messages like "how bad could one small email be?" And "you just have to say one little thing and it would mean the WORLD to them!" And "Its the right thing to do! Even if you have issues with them, they did just lose a loved one!"

I know these are distortions and old echos of past manipulations, but I guess I need support from people not inside my own head? If any one had any experience or advice, or just support, I'd very grateful!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've had experience with the death of my grandmother while I was NC. My BIL emailed my husband about it, and my aunt who I have spoken to only a handful of times in my life anyway called me (no doubt got my number from uPDF) and said if I'm interested in the funeral details call her back.

I didn't respond. No regrets.

For my family, it was pretty clear to me they were using the circumstance of my grandmother's death to try to manipulate me into getting back in my role in the family. Same as ever. No thank you.

Whatever your brother's intentions or level of understanding, his telling you what to do is very disrespectful. It's telling that the rest of the family's feelings are important to him, but you just have to suck it up, buttercup. You've experienced a major loss, too. Your grandfather of course and you had the bravery to acknowledge the loss of the possibility of healthy relationships in your FOO. That's very brave, and you deserve and need to take care of yourself.

We'd like to believe that reaching out would mean the world to them, but in my case I don't believe it's true. They would like it, but not for the sake of hearing from ME. I'm convinced I don't exist as a person to them. They would feel justified and righteous and smug, and they would play the return of the prodigal maybe, but they wouldn't have actually learned anything. They would just take whatever supply they could get from me and enjoy having a scapegoat to hang all the bad stuff on again, but now with even more guilt because I had ABANDONED them and aren't they wonderful and forgiving parents.

As far as it being "the right thing to do," I don't think that's accurate either. Is it really kind to reinsert yourself when they are grieving? For a normal person, it would just as likely cause the grief of the loss of your relationship to resurface right along with the grief of the death. It's perfectly kind to have compassion from afar.

[DistanceNotDefense]

  

[nanotech]

Be really careful. Keep yourself safe.  Whenever a death occurs in PD families, all of their dysfunctional craziness explodes like a firework factory. They're not good at feeling so out of control. It usually has to be someone's fault. 
They will do anything to contact those who were previously designated  'helpers'. They will then use them to absorb and soothe their emotions and calm  their overwhelmed egos. 
When they feel better they then need a power and control hit, so they will blame and shame the scapegoat, then discard them.

If this sort of behaviour rings any bells, then don't be charmed or guilted  into going back into the lion's mouth. 
I've had it done to me. They tried again last year, citing the growing pandemic as a reason to 'reach out' in 'these uncertain times.'
Hmm I felt it was probably the very worst of times to speak to family members who have continually pulled the rug/ left me out to dry/ abused/ fake -smeared/ discarded/ devalued me.
What's more, in a crisis, they did it more.   

They found out that bleating,
'But they're your faaaaaammilleeeee!'
just doesn't work any more.

Flying monkeys, two of them, tried to guilt me into reconnecting with UNPD Bro and Sis on social media. 

Nope. I was polite but firm. 

Be very careful.

[TwentyTwenty]

Sometimes when you bit the bullet like that, the bullet goes off in your head.

Personally, I'd tell him to mind his own business and stop trying to tend to things he knows nothing about.

[Maxtrem]

In my family, DPs react quite obnoxiously and inappropriately at funerals. My theory is that the attention is not entirely on them, so they lose all their bearings. And as a result, they become very unpleasant!