It is a bigger snowball than I thought

[Pepin]

Something that comes up from time to time about being NC with NF is that I let go of a lot of other people around him.  Obviously this includes relatives and close friends of his that firmly support him for whatever reason.

And then there are all the people that I have connections to that I have dropped.  I went to a small private elementary school.  My class was about 23 and I am aware that most of my classmates have kept up with each other in one form or another whether social media or the occasional reunion.  High school is more of the same as my class was 80 something students.  Many of my peers are pretty tight with each other since it was again a private school setting.

I feel a sense of loss sometimes for not being involved.  I just sort of drifted off after graduating from college with the few friendships that I had kept up with in my group of friends yet they have all kept up with each other without inquiring of me - and it could very well be because I have made it difficult.  I keep myself well hidden as the result of NFs stalkings over the years.

At times I do want to reach out and reconnect....because yeah, there is real history there that is meaningful.  But I hesitate because I fear that everyone is going to ask about NF.  And then I would have to conjure up something on his behalf and the fact that we are NC and that I know nothing of NFs life anymore.  And I know this will shock some people......and maybe some people will admit the they suspected something all along about NF not being much of a caring and present parent.

NF is in his late 80s.  He recently lost his only surviving sibling who was in their 90s.  His other sibling passed away much younger, undoubtedly IMO of probably a broken heart at being a widow.  It seems sad to admit this but it seems safer to wait until NF passes before reestablishing  past connections with my peers.  But can I wait that long?  Seems that generally my current friends still have connections with classmates/neighbor kids from their past and I feel very much left out sometimes in conversations having nothing to bring up.

Has anyone else experienced this?    I have essentially walked away from everything from my past that had any sort of tie to NF.  I know that people from my past that would meet me today, wouldn't believe how different I could have turned out as a result of what they didn't know I was going through behind closed doors.  For the most part from what I gather through social media, many of my peers are still kind of trudging along being themselves....while I have had to jump through various hoops -- and to this day like many of you that have dealt with childhood abuse -- still figuring out who I am.

I would love to hear anyone else's thoughts. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, this is me. I went to private schools, small, close knit, same families attending for generations. Many of my classmates married each other. I didn't keep in contact with anyone past NC with FOO.

There are many reasons for that. Some of it is my family and I were always outsiders. The social environment was hard to get "in" to begin with, and my family made me weird, not allowing me to do many things my peers did and had. There were some seriously unhealthy dynamics in the school that had nothing to do with me. A lot of mean girls type behavior, including from teachers and administrators.

So after graduation I was mostly ready to shake the dust from my feet, only keeping in casual touch with a few nicer people. But once I went NC, that little bit of contact was not worth it to me. My parents are still there, I never lived there again after high school, and I just didn't want to deal with it. I got rid of all public social media. I figured if anybody from back home who had my number or email wanted to reach out they would. They never did.

It's the same with extended family. There wasn't much there to walk away from. I didn't have relationships with them that were at all independent of my parents. I wasn't going to suddenly start working at relationships with people I never saw as it was.

It's ok for me, I've filled my life with people who love me. I relate to feeling rootless. Especially around holidays. I will most likely never attend any kind of reunion. I relate to the wondering. If I did reconnect would I find that my perspectives were skewed? Would I find that we've all matured and that there are in fact many lovely people there? Would it be healing in some way? Perhaps. I used to have a fantasy of showing up at a reunion full of confidence and clearly awesome, and all the popular kids reliving the glory days can be stunned at dorky Cordelia... but that was more during college. Now, no stellar career or designer clothes or hot body to show off here! But that's really shallow. And it's not what I really wanted from the folks back home anyway. I wanted to be seen for who I was, but I never knew when I lived there so how could I expect to be known by others?

That's sort of rambly, but all that to say I have some complex feelings on going back home too. I feel that it's just not safe for me either. I have stalking to protect myself from as well. And I know uNF would not hesitate to exploit someone casually saying, "Oh hey I talked to your daughter." I don't think my NC is common knowledge, so I'd have to preface any interaction with, "Keep this secret from my parents," or accept the possibility that anything I say would be relayed, which would majorly be awkward.

I do wonder how much of these thoughts of high school friends are fueled by social media. I barely thought of these people at ALL, once I deleted my Facebook.

I do believe that in eternity we will all know and understand each other's stories. There were probably a lot of things going on with my peers that I knew nothing about as well. I can forgive the bad stuff, be grateful for the good, and still move on. For me I think that's for the best.

[Hilltop]

I drifted away from friends as well but I eventually reached out and re-acquainted myself.  I am so glad I did and the friendships have proved to become really important to me.  I do worry that my mother will one day say something and it will get back to my friend through her mother as they all live close to each other however I figure my friend knows me well enough now to accept me.  I don't talk about my NC with my parents as I figure it is something that should be talked about with a therapist, the issues are deep and most people don't understand.  I sometimes say more superficial things but all in all our friendship is about us, I don't want to spend our time complaining about my parents, there really is too many other things to talk about.  If she asks, I just say they are fine and move on, this may not seem like an honest answer but I don't want to discuss it so I don't.  I have spoken with her about being estranged from my sister however generally I just want to have a nice time and so it's more pleasant talking about other things.

I think in part going NC is about living your life for you, not living in fear of what someone else may do.  My inlaws wanted to get on Facebook to connect with family back overseas.  They got on there and did connect and then deactivated their account as they were too scared their estranged son would cause trouble for them.  The thing is, initially it caused them a lot of joy and they liked connecting with family.  So they have kept themselves cut off from their family due to fear.  I don't think it's worth it, there lives are less than because of this, they often talk about how sad it makes them but they are doing this to themselves.

So what if your father hears about some news from your life, does it matter.  The point of NC is that you don't talk or interact with him so you aren't subjected to any further abuse.  Who cares what your father knows about you, it really doesn't matter. 

If asked about him why not keep it simple, "he is fine, getting old, how are your parents" change the subject.  People would want to know about you not your father.  I wouldn't care about not being friends with his friends, why would you be friends with them, they are his friends, it's ok to move from them.

It may seem a little scary that your NF may start a smear campaign but I'm thinking that would reflect poorly on him and at his age you could simply infer it's a little age related.  As long as you don't engage, don't react people will judge you on you, not what he says.  If they did judge you on what he said, they aren't friends worth having.  However I think if they were good friends back then, it would be nice to re-connect and if find you don't have much in common anymore, well that's ok too.  It just might be a nice avenue to get out and about and connecting with people in a nice way.

You are putting your life on hold for him, it's not worth it.  Its time for you to live for you, reacquaint yourself with your friends and find other support networks.  I just feel you are giving him way too much power over your life by putting friendships on hold for him.  Why not just try reconnecting for something small like a coffee or something.

[Pepin]

I relate to feeling rootless.

Yes....this nails it for me.  I feel like a drifter....sometimes an imposter because I don't have the kinds of roots that most have.  I used to think that it didn't matter but for whatever reason, it now seems like it does even though I have some close friends that I adore.  I often worry that they will grow weary of me not being able to relate to them and the roots that they have.

You are putting your life on hold for him, it's not worth it. 

This is my worry....that I have let decades go by because I was scared of the wrath that would find me if I dared to stick a toe into the past.  As a result, I literally suffer from amnesia because I have closed off so much.  But every now and then I remember something and I feel sad for my inner child that has missed out on so much.  I never left my dear friends on bad terms...I just kind of switched over to a different path when I embarked on my healing journey.  It was a means of survival more than anything else...I was so afraid of NF finding out anything about me.

I think I may reach out to one and see how it goes.

[Jolie40]

I think I may reach out to one and see how it goes.

don't think it's ever to late to reconnect with a friend from the past

I ran into a college friend one day & we probably gabbed for a least 1/2 hr
husband recently spoke with a guy friend he hadn't seen in 10 yrs & they chatted for at least 45 min

even if you only talk one time, it's really nice to reconnect & find out how they're doing!

[Hilltop]

Pepin you needed that time even if it was decades, to heal, you needed that space to finally feel some safety.  That time is not a waste, it was needed and worthwhile.  When I say it's not worth it I mean when you say you are thinking of waiting until he dies to reconnect, how many years may that be, it is these upcoming years that would be a waste to put on hold for him.  He isn't worth having that power over your life.

There is a curiosity there about your past friendships, you can reach out and see how things go.  Even if at first you just reach out via social media or something simple.