Subtle Threat on My Life (Health Insurance)

[SaltwareS]

I had a traumatic experience in family therapy years ago where the therapist walked us through a situation where my NPD parents threatened my life by holding my health insurance hostage, and the family therapist didn't notice. Or rather, the family therapist was such a coward that instead of confronting my parents on it, she pretended not to notice, yet proposed nine more weeks of group therapy because she liked my parents and was trying to win their approval.

I knew I had to float for a time without health insurance and work like heck to land a job with another corporation or nonprofit which offered benefits. Asking my NPD/BPD parents for help to pay for health insurance would turn into an entangling time-consuming rigmarole that would cost more than the risk of "floating" for a time without health insurance. I knew this. The family therapist did not know people my age did this, just *floated*, did not know about BPD entanglements as a way to control people. And the family therapist did not inform me she did not know this.

As the family therapist was spending weeks to *get to a point* where she would confront my parents on how insane it was that they took up my time in family therapy only to reneg on an offer *that they instigated* to pay for  some of my health insurance, she instead thought she was helping me. This family therapist instead was trying to re-entangle me in the lives of my controlling parents by "working out a financial deal" behind my back. When my parents backed off of an offer *that they initiated*, thereby illustrating to me that THEY thought my life was endangered but that paying for my COBRA installments (COBRA is s holdover insurance system which can cover you for a finite period after a job) was untenable "because of your ungrateful attitude" the therapist tried to smile and change the subject.

I forced them all to face what had just transpired. I had to take control of family therapy and walk the therapist and my parents through the timeline of events in which my parents had subtly threatened my life. It got one parent to a brief self-awareness moment (which parent soon forgot as NPDs do) "what you describe we did, just sounds so EVIL". I responded "so why do you do it?" At which point said parent burst into tears.

Just after this "catharsis" brought about by me, the therapist proposed nine more weeks of therapy where we would pay HER to facilitate therapy which she had failed to facilitate in that very session. I said no, this is my last session. I tried in subsequent years to get that therapist to apologize. I wrote the state psychiatric board and asked them to revoke her license. I beat myself up because I could not understand why I got Post-Traumatic-Stress (I prefer to truncate the curtailing "D" because calling it a "DISORDER" makes it a permanent disability, which I am not willing to give myself) from family therapy.

My parents, especially the more controlling parent, was pissed off I had blossomed in the previous two to three years and gotten away from them. This parent used a temporary dip in my trajectory -- a layoff during a severe housing crash and recession -- to try to re-entangle me in their lives and get me back under their thumb. But they used a threat on my life to do it. And they threatened my life in a way that was drawn out, subtle that nobody could see. Or rather, that people could pretend they could not see.

I read cases in these forums of people with NPD parents where they never quite get to this point and I beat myself up that I was so affected by that family therapy. But make no mistake, that therapist facilitated a threat on my life and she was eager to extend therapy where she inadvertently would have facilitated it again and again and again.

I think I'm going to print out the letter above and send it again to the state board of psychiatry. They failed to train their therapists and as such, they failed me. I should sue the board but I don't know how. Thanks for listening.

[SaltwareS]

They failed to train their therapists

Actually the state board of psychiatry *may have failed* to train their therapists. But even if they had trained their therapists, some therapists-in-training will not retain the lessons because some people are not capable of personal integrity. Some people just want to kiss the behind of the more wealthy person in the room. Or they just want to avoid conflict, even if it means breaking integrity.

Some people should not be granted a license to practice therapy.

[Starboard Song]

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. We had a T we didn't care for at all, but two others that were really great for us. The hard and terrible lesson is that we just cannot fully outsource our solutions. A trained T can misunderstand, or let us down, just as our closest friends and family can.

As a whole, though, my family is so very greatful for the support and training we received from all three Ts we spoke with in the months before I discovered the concept of borderline personality disorder, and this wonderful community. I hope nobody will ever be discouraged from giving a T a try, and that they learn from you the hard lesson, and keep their wits about them, not mistaking every T for a perfect source of guidance or authority.

[SaltwareS]

Something else I remember about the T and I confronted her on it - she wore a large ring, shaped almost like a men's ring or sports championship ring, and it had diamonds all over it. I thought that was unprofessional of a T to wear something so conspicuously expensive. It seems like an act of intimidation.

She referred to my sibling -- who had achieved wealth the previous year -- by my sibling's first name as if they were best friends. In fact, the family T had never met my sibling. But the family T said "oh, I'm SO GLAD you talked to [sibling's name]." That was strange. The T should have been neutral on whether I talked to a sibling she had not met. But she took my parents' word for it that this particular sibling could do no wrong. And my npdParent talks exactly that way about my sibling, "oh, I'm SO GLAD you talked to [sibling's name]." It's as if the family T they hired didn't have her own personality, and copied my parent's sayings down to the intonations.

It was such a mess, adding more and more moving parts to this conversation was the wrong thing to do. The T should not have been "SO GLAD" I talked to another person about this. This T did not have a track record. She'd known us all for a few weeks. Had the T not heard of triangulation?

[all4peace]

SaltwareS, this sounds like you had a really disappointing experience of family therapy. From what I understand, in family therapy the therapist is attempting to get to know, build rapport, and juggle the interests of every person in the room. For sure it would take some time, and I'm guessing most of the people in the session won't feel heard and validated as they would have wanted to be.

Do you have an individual therapist who can personally support you through this difficult situation with your family? Or is this situation passed, and you're now reflecting backwards on it?

[SaltwareS]

The event is long in the past. I'm posting it here because way back when, just before therapy, I looked on the internet for a warning about going to therapy with an NPD and found nothing. I am posting that warning now so people don't make the same mistake I did.

Many NPDs become therapists. My parent is NPD and worked as a family therapist for 25 years. I just met another adult child of NPD and sure enough, that NPD parent worked as a therapist. Ugly truth, sorry.

Therapy can be very helpful one-on-one.

But studies of different types of therapies have ranked them for effectiveness. Family therapy is often the least effective, couples therapy is also quite ineffective. The most effective therapy is one-on-one. And you always have a choice. One choice is to try therapy. You can also try post-traumatic growth, reading books, attending 12 step programs, and just living life. I really resent it when strangers try to shoo someone away onto a generic therapist, any generic therapist, when they imply everyone has to go to a therapist.

I've tried over the years to post this warning to other forums and sometimes the moderator is so afraid it gives therapy a bad name they delete the post.

[Starboard Song]

Many NPDs become actuaries, artists, retail clerks, and plumbers. Many become surgeons, school teachers, and dentists. We simply must mean something more before lobbing such a critique at therapists.

• Therapists disproportionately suffer from narcissistic personality disorder
• Couples therapists are quite ineffective
• Family therapists are even worse

These assertions do not merely run the risk of giving therapists a bad name.
Without evidence, they explicitly give two broad categories of therapists a very bad name: that of "ineffective narcissist."



As predicted, this thread is locked for moderator review.