I've stopped answering the phone

SparkStillLit · January 31, 2021, 12:53:44 PM

I also don't respond to vm immediately. I take my time and decide what and when and how I want to respond. Usually I text and address just the important bits of the vm. PDM will not text back, she refuses to communicate via that medium, so she calls AGAIN and leaves MORE vm which gets treated the same way.
Yesterday the vm said "call me please" with this vaguely threatening tone. Well, I didn't, and I won't, since she didn't care to leave me any details. If anyone died, there are other family members who will tell me. She has access to 911. She has friends. Everything else is straight up drama, or fishing for imformation about MY family that I absolutely refuse to be part of.
Today she called again, as usual, but she DIDN'T leave a vm. DUM DUM DUUUMMMMM!!!!!!!
Probably she will blow up my kids' phones now.

makingachange · January 31, 2021, 01:05:03 PM

Quote from: SparkStillLit on January 31, 2021, 12:53:44 PM
I also don't respond to vm immediately. I take my time and decide what and when and how I want to respond. Usually I text and address just the important bits of the vm. PDM will not text back, she refuses to communicate via that medium, so she calls AGAIN and leaves MORE vm which gets treated the same way.
Yesterday the vm said "call me please" with this vaguely threatening tone. Well, I didn't, and I won't, since she didn't care to leave me any details. If anyone died, there are other family members who will tell me. She has access to 911. She has friends. Everything else is straight up drama, or fishing for imformation about MY family that I absolutely refuse to be part of.
Today she called again, as usual, but she DIDN'T leave a vm. DUM DUM DUUUMMMMM!!!!!!!
Probably she will blow up my kids' phones now.

Hi! =)

Good for you! Making boundaries is healthy, and sometimes it is just necessary for our own sanity. I think how you are handling this is good, and I feel it is their loss if they choose not to respond through text.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope that this gets easier for you!

I stopped calling my FOO because it was like it was my responsibility to call them...they never call me (not even when my dog passed away)....so I pulled back.

I'm personally setting up boundaries with your chats through text, and it has been a challenge ...but, I feel it will eventually get better with time. <3

Keep doing what you are doing...I'm sure they will eventually get it at some point....hopefully!!!

<3

SparkStillLit · January 31, 2021, 04:04:35 PM

This is something else that bugs me (I just did it, so I thought of it) when she has been at my home, she zeroes in on stuff like the dogs for example: "These dogs are just always on these leashes, I feel so sorry for them..."
"They are only confined when we have guests in our home."
"Oh...they don't seem unhappy...."
"That's because they are not."
Or she "demonstrates" how we should interact with the dogs.
I'm more of the mindset, in some cases, that my tone of voice is communicating what I mean rather than the words I say. So to a dog who is being noisily obnoxious "[dog] shut it."
She follows up immediately, very loudly in a screechy sort of way "[dog] NO!!!! BE QUIET!!!!" which is nothing I ever say to them anyway. I mean, certainly I tell them no, but I do not shriek at them for noises.
She yells at her animals, "pops them on the nose" (meaning she strikes them), and rubs their noses in things. I disagree with all of that, and striking the Corso is not only mean and unnecessary but could be dangerous. The others are enormous but elderly and frail and doing any of that would be evil and sick.
I'm just sick of the way she always tries to push me around, everybody really, but me especially, and infantilizes everyone and tries to push into every aspect of everyone's life. She acts like my kids are HER kids, and all manner of crazy shit, and sometimes when I protest this, updh DEFENDS HER, even though he complains nonstop about how she rins him over and snarks him. Even when she actually isn't doing it (for a wonder).

Sneezy · February 01, 2021, 10:57:11 AM

Oh my gosh, I hate the vague voicemail messages that say "call me please" or "call me when you can." In my experience, they are definitely a form of control. Sometimes I call back and sometimes I don't. It depends. If I don't call back, sometimes mom gets angry and other times she doesn't even mention her previous messages. I think there are several possibilities with my mom. 1. She is bored and randomly calling people to see who will pick up and talk to her. These are the calls she barely remembers making when I finally call back. 2. She feels neglected by me (and/or by the world). These are the calls that are more about control and the ones where she will get angry if I don't call back. 3. She is frantic as there is some emergency going on in her mind.

In any case, you are smart to set boundaries around phone calls and text messages. In a true emergency, someone will get in touch with you soon enough. And honestly, there aren't that many true emergencies, and when there are, better to call an ambulance first and worry about reaching family members later.

Andeza · February 01, 2021, 02:15:53 PM

When we were in contact, uBPDm would leave those messages sometimes when I didn't pick up the phone. And there was this... tone. This "I'm in a snit and want you to KNOW it," tone. Blegh. Tough. I texted, almost never called back. Told her every single time I was "busy" no time to chat, too many truckers to deal with. But frequently there was no message at all. No message, must not be important

At least, that was what I decided. And you know.... it almost never WAS important. It was always the usual drivel about being sick, blah, blah, blah.

If she's mistreating your dogs, I'd lay down a very calm and very quiet "Mom, if you hit my dog again, you will be leaving immediately." I had to break that one out with my enDad regarding my cats. Nobody messes with my fur babies. Will it go over well? Heck no. I can promise that. (Although dad isn't used to me putting my foot down, so it surprised him into compliance.) She's very disordered and like a two year old wants her way or it's the end of the world as we know it. Complete with the choir of doom playing in the background.

Spark, could you advise your children to keep disordered Gma's number blocked unless they are initiating the call? Is that something they'd be down for so they don't catch the shrapnel when she explodes? I hate it when pwPDs try to drag kids (even young adults) into stuff. It's such a freaking low blow.

SparkStillLit · February 01, 2021, 08:04:43 PM

Oh HELL no she isn't mistreating my dogs. She's just speaking to them in the manner she thinks I should, and it's really only the young one. She has zero effect on the young one. She always is kind to the old ones and acts as if *I* mistreat them. Which is idiotic.
As far as the kids, I've TOLD them they can block gma. They do as they feel ok with. Neither young adult nor teen blocks her calls, but YA rarely ever answers. YA is military. YA has her blocked on most social media (but not all). Teen does not block, afaik. Teen answers calls now and again. Kids text, not call, so....
I have repeatedly told teen that they are not obligated in any way to answer her questions or participate in her crap. I fact, I've asked kids to please not provide her with family info and to keep it light, bright, and change the subject, and only provide info about themselves IF THEY WERE TOTALLY COMFORTABLE DOING SO. YA is totally on board. Teen is just mellow and low key and really difficult to manipulate.

Andeza · February 01, 2021, 08:42:22 PM

Awesome, sounds like you've got your bases covered.

Now if only she'd get the hint. Wait, what am I saying? That's kinda the whole problem... They never take a hint.

Ah well, you seem to be handling the dysfunction fairly well and her efforts to manipulate/guilt/force you to do anything are roughly equivalent to banging her head against a wall. That's the good thing about having a bit of fire in your soul. It gives you firm place to stand.

Bit off topic, but I've followed along with your story, and I hope that your YA is healing well. I keep you and yours in my prayers on the daily.

SparkStillLit · February 01, 2021, 09:10:08 PM

Thank you for that! YA continues to make strong decisions, I think. Updh continues to make a lot of racket, and since the YA is LC with him, he's trained his crosshairs on the teen.
It! Just! Never! Ends! Does it?

Andeza · February 01, 2021, 10:36:42 PM

I went NC with uBPDm, got a few months of peace, and now DH's histrionic PD Gma is starting all kinds of drama on his side of the family. And my MIL is showing more and more BPD characteristics in the last couple of years. So ... no. I guess it really doesn't.

We're moving soon. This summer. Farther away from BOTH our families.

And I can promise you, we will be very busy people. All. The. Time.

SparkStillLit · February 04, 2021, 09:11:10 PM

Hey guys! I got a vm about something on YA's public FB page, something relating to some of her issues (there was a fundraiser, details weren't specific, YA was supporting). PDM was demanding details about YA.
I DEEEEEEEELETED IT!!!!
Then I texted YA and told her to get PDgma the eff off her social media. All of it. I said she doesn't need a disordered person trawling her social media and making drama. She did.
NOOOOOOO subsequent calls or vms!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Andeza · February 04, 2021, 09:53:56 PM

Good for you, Spark!

SparkStillLit · February 06, 2021, 02:14:35 PM

Calling several times per day and leaving different vms with same themes. "I don't think you're getting these vms"
Then how about you stop leaving them.
I also learned how to put vms in a folder. It's just way too much. I cannot believe (I mean, ok, I CAN, but only because I've read it here, and I know how she is about other stuff) the LENGTHS and the PERSISTENCE of these people!