Silent treatment after barging into house

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Last year my mother decided to again barge into my house (my bedroom actually when I was sleeping). She has been doing this sort of thing for years.

She also gets my three brothers to try and fish information about where I live out of me. I'm so tired of the endless stalking / harassment and violations of my personal space.

The latest form of pressure is the silent treatment, she hasn't messaged or emailed at all. I'm struggling with loneliness in my new town and I feel like she is probably doing this quite deliberately.

At the end of the day it really does show how much she (doesn't) care. What she wants is control. She thinks it's fine to ignore my wishes, to walk into where I live at any time. Well, it's not.

I'm sick of feeling bad about myself. I'm sick of being insulted, bullied, pushed around by her and her minions.

One thing I particularly take offence to, is her acting like a 'victim' and her sense of absolute entitlement.

Anyway, sorry just ranting here!

[Andeza]

You're in a tough spot, the ranting is understandable. I'd encourage you to look at the silent treatment as the "silent TREAT" instead. If you can reframe it in your mind, it will change your perspective. Instead of you mother is punishing you by witholding any communication, see it as you are getting a break from the nonsense and dysfunction that oozes off of her. You're getting a break from being bullied, insulted, and dealing with her eternal victim mentality.

We need breaks, sometimes, to realize how quiet and calm things can be. Instead of seeing emptiness, look at it as time for reflection, meditation, and peace. Peace can feel like a comfy warm blanket. So can security. Never give anybody a spare key.

[JollyJazz]

Lol, thanks Andeza 😊👍
Much appreciated!
Yes, I should see it as a treat! Lol.

I am secure, she doesn't know where I am, lol. I've been feeling a bit frazzled - but you're right... a change of perspective can really help! ☺️👍

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Your anxiety over the silent TREAT looks like trauma bonding to me. You say you want your M to leave you alone, and when she does, it's "Oh no, what's going on with her?" That's not a criticism, by the way. I recognize it because it's so very familiar to me! It's been over a year since I've heard from my parents or any FMs... Shoot, am I due for the next onslaught? What's going on with them? 

You're probably right that it's a tactic, but that doesn't have to matter to you. :nod:

Another thing that comes to mind is that maybe this ST is giving you the space you need to really feel your anger so you can move through it. I wasn't able to get really angry until I felt safe enough. When the stalking was at its height all I had brain space for was fear and survival.

[Hilltop]

Jollyjazz its ok to be angry about it.  You are in a new town, starting out and feeling a little lonely.  You are feeling the silent treatment intensely maybe because deep down a little connection would be nice now and when you need that connection your mother withdraws it.  I bet there is a range of emotion going on, anger that you don't have that support network, anger that you can't rely on your family for support, anger that your mother is playing these games, anger that she has no empathy and is only concerned with her own feelings, anger that when you perhaps needed even just a chat your mother pulls away, anger that the silent treatment seems like punishment for moving away.  I don't know perhaps you aren't feeling any of these but that's how I see it.

When you need a little something, your family throws you this added drama.  Anything new even a job takes quite a while to feel like home.  You are not alone, you have us, we will listen, rant away.

It sucks that at those times in life when a loving supportive family is needed or wanted that we don't have that, it's extra salt in the wound.  It highlights what we are missing but its great that you realize that you deserve more than what she offered because you do deserve more, much more.  Hugs.

[SunnyMeadow]

Your anxiety over the silent TREAT looks like trauma bonding to me. You say you want your M to leave you alone, and when she does, it's "Oh no, what's going on with her?" That's not a criticism, by the way. I recognize it because it's so very familiar to me! It's been over a year since I've heard from my parents or any FMs... Shoot, am I due for the next onslaught? What's going on with them? 

I feel this too! The silent treatment feels awful. I mean on one hand, it feels good that I'm not hearing from her but then she's always in my mind.     

Yes, keep posting here. We get what you're feeling.

[Sneezy]

I feel this too! The silent treatment feels awful. I mean on one hand, it feels good that I'm not hearing from her but then she's always in my mind.     

This is exactly how I feel.  I crave peace and quiet and some down time.  I hate being pulled into drama.  Sometimes I want to be left alone so badly it's a physical ache.  And then when it happens I can't stand it.  The silent treatment feels worse than the constant attention.  Why is this?  Is it possible to find a happy medium between constantly being called and having attention demanded of us, and having some peace?

[Lisa]

Jolly Jazz,

I think I can relate to what you are saying.  My Mom started giving me the silent treatment around last April.  There definitely were times when I felt anxious, angry and sad about not having contact with her.  I identified most of these feelings were coming from a place of grief...grieving the relationship with the Mom I wished I could have... not so much related to my actual Mom.  It felt like she didn't care how I was doing, she didn't care how COVID was impacting my work and my personal life, she didn't care how her grandchild was.  Those were my thoughts when she was not contacting me.  I often felt the urge to reach out to her and I am so glad I never gave into the anxiety and the guilt.  I don't know why the silent treatment happened but it has been such a blessing.  It really allowed me to see how regular contact with her was impacting me and it helped me get some emotional distancing from her and grow stronger. 
My move to a different part of the country a few months ago triggered her to start showing up unannounced at my house, calling and texting often.  I usually feel more able to leave the messages and phone calls unanswered at this point, I am really enjoying limited contact

[JollyJazz]

Hi All!

Thank you all so much for your support and kindness!!!

I'm very used to being very self reliant (I had to be growing up). Things have been so hard in the last few months that I've been really feeling it. So thank you 

I am definitely going to work through some 'angering' with a T. I'm frighteningly good at repressing anger, but I'm letting myself feel it more and more. Its healthy and I've got a lot to feel about how disgustingly I've been treated over the years.

On a practical note - I've got some therapy lined up. I'm back to running every day (which helps enormously with stress). I've been experiencing insomnia, but that's pretty much a given when I'm stressed. I'm reaching out socially, although I find it hard, I just want to withdraw and read through my endless book lists!

Hi CallmeCordelia, thank you - yes I kind of had a delicate balance of GR / MC going on. But I did like being able to talk to my Mum about bland issues like the news. It's totally about control and so cruel, she gets the whole family to alternately harass and ignore me. And its at a time I'm already vulnerable /isolated/wounded.

Hi Hilltop,
Thank you for this! Much appreciated. Anger is definitely what I need to feel!

I DID everything for them during lockdown. And instead of thanking me, they abuse and ignore me. I have gotten the most amazing job, the result of years and years of struggle and hard work, it would be so nice to hear them say something, congratulate me, acknowledge this. My other friends have said they are proud of me... My GC brother got a golden ride with everything paid for, I had to get a loan for my studies, do multiple odd jobs (including toilet cleaning). It's pretty satisfying that I have a prestigious job now - note it's definitely not that this is why I do my job (its about helping people). But my parents and siblings barely acknowledge anything I do.

It's not just the endless, extreme emotional abuse, the demands for one sided love, respect and care (never reciprocated) and everything else but it's the lack of emotional support, acknowledgement, validation, encouragement.

It highlights what we are missing but its great that you realize that you deserve more than what she offered because you do deserve more, much more.  Hugs.

Thank you! This means a lot!!!

Sunnymeadow, thank you. It really helps to post to people that understand!!! I'm sorry that you are enduring this too.

Hi Sneezy, I'm sorry that you are experiencing this too! Urggh. Meditation, running is helping me, I need to keep it up. Today is better than yesterday, but honestly, I'm in the emotional trenches right now.

Hi Lisa,

It felt like she didn't care how I was doing, she didn't care how COVID was impacting my work and my personal life, she didn't care how her grandchild was

Awful! And yes, I feel that too...
The hideous indifference is the silent treatment... they literally DO not care. It's horrendous.
But it's true, it's an opportunity to heal.
I'm just feeling absolutely battered at the moment. Yesterday was a low point, but I'm going to get through this and I will keep posting. Thank you lovely people

[moglow]

Ah yes, the silent treat! Mine uses it as punishment, while I've learned to lean into and appreciate it. Some don't understand what a respite it can be after being battered and abused, dhow badly we get worn down. That's okay though - we need that break however we get it!

Use this time wisely, learn to separate your own dependency on her. Maybe this will help you find courage to reach out and build a family of choice. For me, silent treat or conscious choice of no contact helps me find my own silence, trust myself, listen to what's truly being said. I learn to make my own choices without mother's voice in my head. Maybe you can reframe in a similar way so it heals instead of hurts.