Trauma bonding

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone could advise me on methods you have used to help overcome trauma bonds?

I'm having a difficult day. I keep being overwhelmed by memories of when I first met pdH, and that wonderful honeymoon period. From reading Why Does He Do That, this is a common tactic used by abusers - they sweep you off your feet, and that initial whirlwind makes it harder to break away. I feel like those beautiful romantic memories are part of my identity, and it's hard letting them go.

I've just been so emotional today. All I want is to run home. I'm not going to do it, I'm staying away, but I'm really struggling. Last week was easier, but now I've told him it's definitely over I feel like my world has come crashing down. Everything reminds me of the happy time when we met. It's just so hard.

[blunk]

Caged Bird, it helps to remember that, just as the book says, those early days really are just a tactic to get you hooked. That was not who your pd really is, if it were he would have continued to treat you as well as he did in the beginning. The honeymoon phase itself can be pretty telling when dealing with a pd...you want to believe it, but it just seems too good to be true. On the other hand, if he had shown you the nasty side of himself right from the beginning, he would not have been able to hook you in.

And IME looking back, even at the good times, there was always something just a little off. They can't hide all of what they are, not 100%. I'm not sure if you keep a journal, but reading back through mine always brought back enough of the bad to strengthen my resolve, if only temporarily.

I'm so sorry that  you're struggling right now, just hang in there, it does get easier with time and distance.

[GettingOOTF]

For me I found that it took time and distance from the situation to really see and start to heal my trauma bonds.

They do say that you cannot heal while still around those that hurt you. I have found this to be very true for me.

Stick around here with people who support and understand you. Don't expect anything from yourself right now. This time really is a matter of putting one foot in front of another so you keep moving forward. You can deal with everything else later.

For me personally I found Codependent No More a life saver. It really shone the light on the areas where I was sabotaging my own healing and where I was complicit in the areas of my relationship that I was so unhappy with. This book and the things I learned from it had the biggest influence on my not going back the final time I left.

Your brain is screaming at you to go back to what it knows as safe and familiar. This is why you are being served up all these happy memories. Our brain's only function is to keep us safe and it sees what's familiar as what is safe. We need to teach it a new way of being safe. This is a very difficult time and the pull to go back is so strong. Once I recognized this I was better able to resist.

I think it's worth bearing in mind that in the early stages there are often more bad days than good ones. This absolutely changes though. Hang in there. You are doing great.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Caged Bird, it helps to remember that, just as the book says, those early days really are just a tactic to get you hooked. That was not who your pd really is, if it were he would have continued to treat you as well as he did in the beginning. The honeymoon phase itself can be pretty telling when dealing with a pd...you want to believe it, but it just seems too good to be true. On the other hand, if he had shown you the nasty side of himself right from the beginning, he would not have been able to hook you in.

Thanks, this is so true. I guess I just feel stupid for having been fooled by him in the first place. Yes, if I had seen his nasty side i never would have married him.

I've been reading Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare (what a great title haha). It is an interesting read, and helped me to take a step back today. One day at a time...

[Boat Babe]

Hi Uncagedbird. I know that feeling so well. It's so strong, at first, almost unbearable at times. But (you knew there was a but coming!) it doesn't last forever. You won't feel like this a year from now. A year from now you will be in such a good place, you'll be amazed how much you've healed and grown. Please hold this thought in your mind as you go through this incredibly difficult, but mercifully temporary, part of your healing.

What helped me to navigate this white knuckle time was to use the addiction model to guide me. If I am an addict and wish to free myself of my addiction I have to
1) totally quit the substance/behaviour that is destroying my life
2) address all the issues that arise from doing 1) above. (Or risk almost certain relapse)
In addition this analogy is backed up by neuroscience. (Fascinating stuff imo)

Also, it comes in waves. Hold on and you will start to notice little moments of ordinary pleasure, small joys, a spontaneous laugh.  These become more frequent, and the painful feelings become fewer and more bearable. The learning curve is steep, but the view from the top is unbeatable.

And so are you! 😃

[Medowynd]

If you don't have a journal, I suggest that you start one. Every time you recall an incident with your ex, write it out.  This will give you something to read, when you fall into the thoughts about the honeymoon phase.  Remembering the abuse, helps to stop looking at the past with smiling eyes. 

Also just writing out your thoughts and feelings can be quite cathartic.  I have used writing for years to rid myself of thought that continued to run through my mind like a treadmill.

[blunk]

Caged Bird, it helps to remember that, just as the book says, those early days really are just a tactic to get you hooked. That was not who your pd really is, if it were he would have continued to treat you as well as he did in the beginning. The honeymoon phase itself can be pretty telling when dealing with a pd...you want to believe it, but it just seems too good to be true. On the other hand, if he had shown you the nasty side of himself right from the beginning, he would not have been able to hook you in.

Thanks, this is so true. I guess I just feel stupid for having been fooled by him in the first place. Yes, if I had seen his nasty side i never would have married him.

I've been reading Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare (what a great title haha). It is an interesting read, and helped me to take a step back today. One day at a time...

There is no reason to feel stupid. PDs are skilled at luring us in...consider the fact that all of us on this site with a PD spouse, friend, roommate, etc. have each been caught up in that web. And now you've escaped it! The thing is, in the beginning they make us feel good about ourselves, and who doesn't want that? And even once they show their true colors, they throw in a little bit of nice to make us forget the last round of nasty.

And I love that book title...talk about turning the tables!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks for your replies. BoatBabe you are right about ' little moments of ordinary pleasure, small joys, a spontaneous laugh' - these are already becoming more frequent. I feel like I can breathe again.

I've been doing lots of reading around the area of PDs/emotional and psychological abuse. I could never really do this before, because pdH was always looking over my shoulder. This research has been really empowering. I am beginning to see the abuse much more clearly, and that is helping me to forget the 'honeymoon period' and focus on the pd's true self, as it was revealed during the abuse.

'Ambient Abuse' is a term I have only just discovered, and I think most of what I experienced can be classified under this term.

[blunk]

I just googled the term ambient abuse, as I had never heard it before. It is a pretty accurate picture of what so many of us go through.

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/ambient-abuse-and-gaslighting#:~:text=Ambient%20abuse%20is%20the%20stealth,is%20ambiguous%2C%20atmospheric%2C%20diffuse.