Court-ordered mental health evaluation

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Re: Court-ordered mental health evaluation
« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2021, 04:18:28 PM »
Her court hearing was today and it was done in 2 minutes. The judge confirmed that she's completed her community service and is in compliance with her probation terms, so she just needs to wait the next 6 months and then her felony will be waived. She doesn't even need to show up for the final hearing.

I have mixed feelings about this. My police report of her violating the no contact order didn't get the prosecutor's attention. Her two previous no-shows in court were not addressed either. It's not that I want her to go to jail or face a harsh punishment, I want her to be fearful that she could. Consequences scare her, she hated the 5 days she spent in jail for this initially and she'll do anything to avoid returning to jail. With this though, she's basically free of any further consequences as long as she can avoid getting arrested for the next 6 months. She shouldn't have a problem with that as long as she can continue leaving me alone.

I guess that's as positive an outcome as I can hope for. I don't think it's just or fair, but I don't see how it can end any other way.

hhaw - No therapist, neither court ordered nor personally chosen by her, has seen who she really is. I'm baffled that they don't see through her self-victimizing and the projection of all her issues onto others, but she plays the innocent, helpless, victim of other people's drama act very well.

She has 50/50 time with DD. During the divorce, her very aggressive verbal threats dissuaded me from pursuing greater than 50% time. Not that anything she could accuse me of in court would be true or backed by evidence, but it scared me nonetheless. And surprisingly, very surprisingly, we got through the divorce as uncontested - she signed onto the documents from my lawyer, didn't get a lawyer of her own, and we never had to go to court.

When DD is with her, I'm not really worried about physical safety nor is there anything I could actually bring to family court to show that the relationship is damaging to the child. ExW is an elementary teacher and is good at putting on a fake show of positivity for kids' sake. What worries me most is the influence on DD's values, her self image, and the type of example her mother is setting.

Constantly hearing negativity toward others is going to do real damage to DD if left unchecked. I'm countering as best I can with positivity, acceptance, and love and it seems to be working. In family court, I likely wouldn't get anywhere petitioning to reduce exw's parenting time because she talks shit about people.

I've heard, via exw's calling me crying late at night, that her boyfriend hits her. DD has never witnessed anything physical though. But for DD to see her mother staying with and accepting a man that abuses her is the worst thing of all to me. The primary harm here is if DD idolizes or models her mother's behavior/choices like most daughters do. But again, if there's no direct threat to the child's safety, there's not a lot I can do in court.

My goal? Best case scenario? I keep being a caring, rational, stable, and loving parent to DD so that whatever happens with her mother, DD knows that she can count on me. And if I'm thinking more of a fantasy best case rather than a realistic one, then I'd say also that exw gets out of her abusive relationship and spends some time on her own to improve herself. She's so damaged and not at all introspective, so any man she ends up with is likely to be a reflection of that and there will continue to be turmoil in her life because of it. If exw could take some time to work on herself, we could actually be friendly with each other. But that will probably never happen, exw will continue to be the negative and always-blaming person she is, so I will settle for having minimal/no communication with her other than about DD.

As things move forward, I'm no longer triggered by exw at all. She used to be able to push all my buttons and get me to respond, but not any longer, so I'm not really worried about her. I can always get another no contact order to deter any harassment. But the years ahead with DD are probably going to be filled with an awful lot of difficulty. At the beginning of this year, DD was shutting herself in her room, screaming at me, "F--- you! I f---ing hate you, you're a liar, and I want mommy!" She's 7 years old. It had me desperate, in tears, calling family for support, reading books, reading forums, watching youtube videos, all attempting to learn how to restore my relationship with DD. But we got through it and we're in an excellent place now. If we could get through that, I'm confident that we can get through any other difficulty that comes our way.