One deadline has passed...but not really

Bunnyme · February 04, 2021, 10:50:23 PM

He had 30 days to answer my initial filing. That has passed. My attorney says that he technically has 3 extra days for mail time. We are supposed to have our scheduling hearing next week. Now, we can file for a default judgment since he didnt respond...but he then gets another 30 days +3 to answer the default filing. Of course, I have to pay again for the new filing and I'm not sure if he has to be served again. No doubt this is all part of the game. I know others have said bpd narcs are known for dragging things out. He has nothing to lose, so why wouldnt he? He wants to stay on my insurance and such. I think he is also telling himself that if he can only buy himself another X number of weeks, he will be able to get himself together enough to go before the judge. After this latest round of "covid" he promised the kids he would see them this weekend. Tonight, he said he does not know when he will be able to visit, as he is feeling really sick again (sounded perfectly fine), but it will be "at least a week or so." As mad as I am about his games with me...whatever, I can deal. I just cant stand seeing him disappoint the kids over and over.

just keep documenting, just keep documenting

🐠

notrightinthehead · February 05, 2021, 03:48:46 AM

Bunny I really hope you have an outlet for your feelings. Either some sport, or meditation, or counselling something that you can do daily and every time you have to face that irritating behaviour.

Bunnyme · February 05, 2021, 08:14:24 AM

Thanks. I see my therapist weekly and she is A-MAZING. At this point, it feels like it is just one thing after another. The furnace broke, issues with moving, work has become a really toxic environment... but, it is what it is. I keep just trying to be thankful that he is basically building my case for me. I'm thankful that I caught the furnace issue in time to avoid burst pipes. I keep trying to focus on what I have to be grateful for. It is just hard to keep that perspective all the time. This board is a big outlet for me as well.

hhaw · February 08, 2021, 06:06:16 PM

Bunnyme:

Your kids are safe with you. Disappointed by their father, but safe.

It's worse when the PD leverages you with your children's safety, ime.

It's worse when they're harming your kids emotionally and physically....and you cant5 do much more than document, ime.

You're doing great. This too shall pass.

Bunnyme · February 08, 2021, 11:12:17 PM

Thanks. Our scheduling conference has been pushed back a month and I filed the default motion today.
What's getting me right now is that he is completely lying about having covid and using it as an excuse to not see the kids (despite being seen out and about). I am dealing with that in terms of the case, but I'm torn about what to do with the kids. My son asks if daddy is still sick. I dont want to lie for him. I don't want to lie to my kids period. But I also dont want them knowing their dad is avoiding them.

GettingOOTF · February 09, 2021, 06:34:24 AM

He sounds just like my ex, right down to the wanting to stay on my insurance. Luckily he cannot force you to stay married and at some point a judge will sign off on the divorce. My ex was also passive like this - not responding vs litigating over every tiny thing. I’m grateful for that.

Have you considered Al-Anon? Addicts are their own special brand of issues and it’s very difficult for people without first hand experience to understand what it’s like living with them. There will be other parents at Al-Anon who can support you through this as well as future parenting challenges.

Stillirise · February 09, 2021, 09:09:46 AM

The disappointment for the children will only continue, I'm afraid. I believe my children are a little older than yours, so they would know I'm lying to them, if I tried. I have taken the approach of letting them make their own assessment. I think even young children are capable of that. I use vague responses like, "I'm not sure." or "I haven't heard from him about that yet." or "He said ..... That's the most recent info I have." or "I will let you know as soon as I hear back from him." or "Why don't you ask him that when you talk to him again?"

I see now how I previously enabled his dismissive behaviors, and covered for the fact that his priorities were booze, work, his wants, then his family. Now, I don't say, "I'm sure he will be here soon." or "Your dad really loves you." or "Dad hates that he wasn't my there for that." etc. It isn't my job to build his relationship with his kids. As long as I'm not actively undermining the relationship, it's his to make or break. It is difficult to watch, so I am supportive of the kids when he disappoints them, but I don't make excuses for him, or cover his tracks anymore. I don't want them getting even older, and having a false sense of reality.

I've noticed my children are very accepting, and still love their dad. However, part of that acceptance has been learning that he doesn't always do what he says he will.

Poison Ivy · February 09, 2021, 11:21:06 AM

I echo all of Stillirise's post, especially this: "I've noticed my children are very accepting, and still love their dad. However, part of that acceptance has been learning that he doesn't always do what he says he will."

Rose1 · February 09, 2021, 08:21:45 PM

I agree, my exbpdh thought it was my job to keep his relationship going but its not. There was always an excuse.

If you cover for him the kids will see through it and it will set up cognitive dissonance. I eventually got oldest to make her own arrangements in mid teens. When they fell through she was disappointed and upset so we covered how to deal with pd. Which was good because he wasn't the only one in the family. Eventually he treated her like he treated me and she went nc at 24. However, while she does have issues from that rejection we have a good relationship built on trust. In part because I didn't cover for him