How do I get out? (and go no contact)

[MarlenaEve]

Hi. I'm Stardust 1982 (Don't know how to get into that account..lost the password and can't retrieve it)

For those who are already out of the environment with their PD parent, how did you get out? I've made the decision last year to move back with my PD parents and look for work (to save on rent) and was not able to move ahead in my job searching process (I wasn't very active, though).
So, how did you actually made the move (physically and then emotionally) to extract yourself from the abuse? Did u go to a hotel? Did u stay with friends, relatives? Did u first find a job and then moved out?

Also, for those who were able to get a job during Covid-19 times, how long did it take you and did u get a job you truly wanted to have?
People told me it is very difficult to get employment during this current situation. (i don't wanna hear that, lol, I'm sure there are many people who got great jobs too)

My situation is that I have no job or unemployment money (have been abroad for a long time so I can't claim unemployment in my country-or so I've heard). I was just thinking to get any jobs, even those difficult live-in-nanny/care jobs just to have money and a place to live but..from my experience those are mentally and physically exhausting.

BTW, I barely interact with my PD parents and we rarely fight or argue. However, their mere presence in the house gives me anxiety and sucks my entire energy. It's like they're sponges that dry out your good energy and light. You know what I mean. I totally resent them for that and I see no option but to move out and go no contact.

                                                                               thanks.

[Andeza]

Anytime you're in an abusive situation (and this still counts), the first step is to get out. If you don't have the means to get out, like a job or new living arrangements, then the goal becomes securing those as quickly as possible. That may mean taking a job you hate, but only for a time, while you move out and find cheap rent with roommates. Once you're out, then you hunt hardcore for something you enjoy, or even just tolerate better. It may take a few gradual steps to land something truly enjoyable. Took me six years of jobs I hated before I got one that I actually liked and paid well with benefits. Six years that I was not living at home... because I had a sucky job that paid the bills, you know?

Even a job you don't enjoy can be worlds better than being stuck in close proximity to disordered parents. It can gain you the space you need to begin your healing process, which is vital to moving forward with your life. Yes, there's a pandemic, but that means lots more places are hiring people to clean stuff. You might try there first.

How did I make the move? I actually got married and immediately moved out. After the ceremony, the car was stuffed with my things and wedding presents and we drove immediately to our new apartment. By then I had extricated myself from their insurance, and kept working on the other little stuff. Phone plan, etc. When asked why I would only say "I'm an adult and need to do these things for myself, but thank you for your concern/offer to help."

[Thru the Rain]

Depending on the job, many job interviews are conducted via Zoom or even just phone calls these days.

I'm on week 2 of a new job, and 100% of the interviews were over Zoom or the phone due to covid.

Be prepared for a zoom call - a quiet well-lit room, dress the same as you would for an in-person interview, research the position so you can present yourself well.

You can do this!

[GettingOOTF]

When I moved out  of my parents I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with 11 other people. It was far from ideal, but it got me out of the situation I was in. 

I had a call with someone last week who was looking for advice on changing careers relativity late. My advice to them was to interview as many times as they can. You never know when you are going to click with someone and they make you an offer. I’ve known people who have gone on interviews and had a role created just for them. You just need to take action. This person seemed to expect a job to come to them. That’s not how it works.. we need to put ourselves out there. I suspect they will have the same conversion with many others and not make the change they say they want to.

I know is hard but change takes action. I’ve had to do many things I’d rather not have had to over the years. I worked crappy jobs and lived in crappy apartments. Every move got me closer to where I am now.

I know the job market is tough for many right now but it’s also a really great time for others. Companies are doing things differently now and they are looking for different types of employees than previous Covid. I know quite a few people who made crazy moves and are doing different jobs for more money and many got a bump in title too.

It’s easy to look around and only see the doom and gloom, especially when we are in an abusive situation, but there are a lot of incredible opportunities out there right now.

While I got out of my home situation I stayed stuck in my marriage for years so I know how hard it is to make the move. Eventually I had to take action. I look back now and think “wow I could still be married and living in that hell”. And it’s true I could just have easily stayed. I reached the point where enough was enough and I took action.

[MarlenaEve]

@Andeza, thank you. Your reply is so wise. Rent is affordable in my country so I can live alone with the salaries here. I'll need to get a position fast.
@Thru The Rain-good that you moved out after the wedding. You're lucky that you could even find someone suitable for you.

[BettyGray]

Hi Stardust,

How did you get out?
It was a series of steps over 2 decades, some forwards, some back. I moved back in with them right out of college. Over the 3 years I was there, it became very clear I needed to escape. I didn’t have much money, so I saved what I could & cut back on just about everything else. While living there, I was gone as much as possible. To work, out for hour long walks, went to the mall, traveled to see old college friends on weekend trips, sometimes just to the library for hours when I knew they would be home. Of course, with the pandemic, it’s infinitely more challenging to have this kind of freedom. When I had to be home I stayed in my room. Luckily nobody much cared what I was doing anyway, so it made it easier to avoid them.

Find places that make you feel safe and free. A local park, perhaps. A car drive in a pretty area. Pre-pandemic, I would have gone out for a drive on country roads, found a quiet spot, and just enjoyed the scenery. Or headed to a museum or movie alone ( of course those are too risky these days). Be creative. But above all, keep yourself safe, physically, out in the world, and mentally/emotionally while you are at home.

I physically extricated myself by doing an exhaustive job search near where my new boyfriend (future DH) lived in another state. Got a few interviews, then a few offers, took one of the offers, found a cheap place to live, packed my car with my meager possessions, drove off and didn’t look back. 

Emotional extrication was much more complicated and took many years. Therapy, journaling, and reclaiming my own life led to eventual NC.

The world is in an upside down time. None of the old rules apply. The open-endedness and inability to be able to plan anything is nearly impossible. But I think you have to plan for the long game, even if you can’t yet see the path forward. Realize the changes will take time and perhaps a lot of effort. Once you accept this, you can become laser-focused on your ultimate goal of getting out.

When I moved out  of my parents I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with 11 other people. It was far from ideal, but it got me out of the situation I was in.

You may have to do things that are less than ideal. The perfect situation may not present itself for awhile. Each step you take towards your goal, no matter how small, is a move closer to your freedom. It’s kind of impossible for you right now to have the headspace to decide in which direction you want your life to go. You can’t do that while living in the energy vampires’ lair.

A few years ago I read something about “minding the gap.” Here is a good article about that topic, which helped me during the “limbo” period.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-control/201701/mind-the-gap

Good luck and be strong. We will give you all the encouragement and support we can.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I got out when I was 17. But it took me another 15 years to individuate and go NC.

I agree so much with Liz1018 here -

You may have to do things that are less than ideal. The perfect situation may not present itself for awhile. Each step you take towards your goal, no matter how small, is a move closer to your freedom. It's kind of impossible for you right now to have the headspace to decide in which direction you want your life to go. You can't do that while living in the energy vampires' lair.

It's step by step. I'd say the first step is complete independence and untangling yourself from FOO in every way possible: first physically and financially, and then emotionally and psychologically - by the time you're long out of there and less foggy, choices become clearer and you're more empowered to take them. It might mean working not the greatest jobs just to support that until you see the next best step.

I started out living in a dumpy rent-controlled apartment and in very less than ideal situations, but it was so worth it. I also did a lot of traveling work that took me away from FOO.

[Boat Babe]

I left home at 18, knowing with deep certainty that I was never going back. I was green as grass and lucky to have fallen in with some great people my age. I did all sorts of work, and here's the thing. Jobs do more than pay the bills, even the crap ones offer opportunities to learn and valuable life experience. I remember a period of intense learning from 16, when I left school and started working.  had been so isolated by my mother's mental health struggles that I had a huge amount to learn about basic social interaction. Luckily I wanted this so badly that I learnt really quickly! I found that I could function as an independent young adult pretty quickly. I also made colossal mistakes. Still do occasionally! It was the work environment that allowed this period of growth.

One thing I would say to a young person starting out and that's to find something that you really like doing and start heading in that direction asap. Coming from a poor, urban UK background I was totally unaware of the types of interesting jobs out there and feel that I missed out on opportunities .

Wishing you all the very best as you navigate this exciting new part of your life.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I left home at 18, knowing with deep certainty that I was never going back. I was green as grass and lucky to have fallen in with some great people my age. I did all sorts of work, and here's the thing. Jobs do more than pay the bills, even the crap ones offer opportunities to learn and valuable life experience. I remember a period of intense learning from 16, when I left school and started working.  had been so isolated by my mother's mental health struggles that I had a huge amount to learn about basic social interaction. Luckily I wanted this so badly that I learnt really quickly! I found that I could function as an independent young adult pretty quickly. I also made colossal mistakes. Still do occasionally! It was the work environment that allowed this period of growth.

One thing I would say to a young person starting out and that's to find something that you really like doing and start heading in that direction asap. Coming from a poor, urban UK background I was totally unaware of the types of interesting jobs out there and feel that I missed out on opportunities .

Wishing you all the very best as you navigate this exciting new part of your life.

This was pretty much my experience as well!

[GettingOOTF]

Coming from a poor, urban UK background I was totally unaware of the types of interesting jobs out there and feel that I missed out on opportunities .

Wow you have totally described my life. When I started working I had no idea certain jobs existed. None at all. It's so hard to explain this to people. It's like I existed in this bubble where where were 3 or 4 jobs available to me. I have a story I tell to people starting out in their careers about this.

I also feel that I missed out on so much because of this. I've actually done really well for myself but when I really think about it, if I'd had a different upbringing I'd have done so much better.

[MarlenaEve]

Thank you, guys. You're all so lovely and supportive. Just so you know I'm not that young and I already have a career. I just need to find the right opportunity in this career I very much love. I have had many jobs too, many of them were physically and emotionally exhausting. I had narc bosses too and had to deal with burnout. Now I am planning to look for jobs that are more up my alley and there are many out there.
I agree that many have succeeded job-wise even during this pandemic. So I am keeping myself in a hopeful mood because something will come up.

@Liz1018 When you physically left, how did you actually do it? Did you announce it? Did they make a whole drama about it? That's what scares me. The drama of them finding out I'm going away (and never coming back) They're the clingiest people I ever known (well, PDs are like that)
As for emotional extrication, I have no problem with it. I went NC one time and I know I can do it again. The grieving part of NC is the hardest for me.

thank you to all.
PS: Oh how I miss the movies. I wonder if we'll be able to go to the cinema in 2021. It feels like something in my life is missing. Used to be at the cinema quite often.

[BettyGray]

Hi Marlena,

Liz1018 When you physically left, how did you actually do it? Did you announce it? Did they make a whole drama about it? That's what scares me. The drama of them finding out I'm going away (and never coming back) They're the clingiest people I ever known (well, PDs are like that)

I made no secret that I would one day leave, they just didn’t believe I would actually go through with it. After years of being told I would never survive on my own (you don’t know how to cook! you’ve never lived on your own - you don’t know how hard it’s going to be! What if you break up with DH? What’s your plan B? You’ll never get a job in another place!), it was almost spite that increased my will to make it an actuality.

They underestimated me. I quietly proceeded anyway. One day I had a big blowup with Nmom and screamed “I am moving and I am never coming back!” She said something like “you don’t mean that.”

It was clear they didn’t like my long-distance boyfriend (DH) and felt threatened by him. They were suspicious of an outsider whose family they hadn’t met (very old fashioned that way). He was part of the motivation to move, but not the whole reason. It just gave me a destination/place to look for work and a place to live.

Once I put down a deposit on a place to live and secured a job, it finally sunk in. I think they rooted for me to fail, hoping my relationship would fall apart and I would come running back to them. Where they would be waiting with one open arm (and a knife in a hand behind their back). My mom got cancer a few months before I left - surely THAT would make me cancel my plans?! Of course, it didn’t (by the time I left she was in remission). Pretty sure she never forgave me for not dropping everything for her.

Clingy - yes, for sure. Drama? Always. But what could they do, really, other than try to scare or intimidate me? I was an adult, after all.
My mind was made up. Even if my relationship hadn’t worked out, I was prepared to be alone. Got my own place, had my own money, my own car.

You mustn’t let FOG guide your decisions,  or you will never extricate yourself. Fear of drama that will happen no matter what you do, fear of Narc rage  (it’s a given), fear of them rejecting you (even if you have rejected them first), so many fears.

Don’t get me wrong, I was scared to embark on this journey. But more of an adventurous scared. Open to good or bad. Even after I moved and settled in, I was even too scared to take a train to the city by myself. It took awhile to exorcise the fear they had implanted in me.

But beneath the fear was gumption and sheer will to improve my life. Imagine what happens if you stay. What would your life look like in a year or two? If what you envision terrifies you, then that becomes a catalyst to embrace the unknown.

Plus, if they hurl nasty drama your way, it will probably be the last time you will be in their presentce to absorb their toxic energy. Better to have battle scars and walk away rather than lose the war. It’s worth it, I promise.

You may want to keep things under wraps until at least part of your plan is solidly in place. Secure something first. That will help give you a foundation. People obviously need work right now so it’s believable that you could take a job elsewhere. Surely they wouldn’t expect you to stay there in limbo forever? 

Dropping not so subtle hints, like looking  through real estate listings/rentals, what have you, may make it real for them. I suggest just moving forward as though they’re not even an issue. Because ultimately they’re not. All that matters is what lies ahead for YOUR future. One without them in it.

You don’t even have to announce your intent to never come back.  Get them comfortable with the reality of your leaving. Maybe don’t drop all of the bombs at once.

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

[MarlenaEve]

Hi Marlena,

Liz1018 When you physically left, how did you actually do it? Did you announce it? Did they make a whole drama about it? That's what scares me. The drama of them finding out I'm going away (and never coming back) They're the clingiest people I ever known (well, PDs are like that)

I made no secret that I would one day leave, they just didn't believe I would actually go through with it. After years of being told I would never survive on my own (you don't know how to cook! you've never lived on your own - you don't know how hard it's going to be! What if you break up with DH? What's your plan B? You'll never get a job in another place!), it was almost spite that increased my will to make it an actuality.

They underestimated me. I quietly proceeded anyway. One day I had a big blowup with Nmom and screamed "I am moving and I am never coming back!" She said something like "you don't mean that."

It was clear they didn't like my long-distance boyfriend (DH) and felt threatened by him. They were suspicious of an outsider whose family they hadn't met (very old fashioned that way). He was part of the motivation to move, but not the whole reason. It just gave me a destination/place to look for work and a place to live.

Once I put down a deposit on a place to live and secured a job, it finally sunk in. I think they rooted for me to fail, hoping my relationship would fall apart and I would come running back to them. Where they would be waiting with one open arm (and a knife in a hand behind their back). My mom got cancer a few months before I left - surely THAT would make me cancel my plans?! Of course, it didn't (by the time I left she was in remission). Pretty sure she never forgave me for not dropping everything for her.

Clingy - yes, for sure. Drama? Always. But what could they do, really, other than try to scare or intimidate me? I was an adult, after all.
My mind was made up. Even if my relationship hadn't worked out, I was prepared to be alone. Got my own place, had my own money, my own car.

You mustn't let FOG guide your decisions,  or you will never extricate yourself. Fear of drama that will happen no matter what you do, fear of Narc rage  (it's a given), fear of them rejecting you (even if you have rejected them first), so many fears.

Don't get me wrong, I was scared to embark on this journey. But more of an adventurous scared. Open to good or bad. Even after I moved and settled in, I was even too scared to take a train to the city by myself. It took awhile to exorcise the fear they had implanted in me.

But beneath the fear was gumption and sheer will to improve my life. Imagine what happens if you stay. What would your life look like in a year or two? If what you envision terrifies you, then that becomes a catalyst to embrace the unknown.

Plus, if they hurl nasty drama your way, it will probably be the last time you will be in their presentce to absorb their toxic energy. Better to have battle scars and walk away rather than lose the war. It's worth it, I promise.

You may want to keep things under wraps until at least part of your plan is solidly in place. Secure something first. That will help give you a foundation. People obviously need work right now so it's believable that you could take a job elsewhere. Surely they wouldn't expect you to stay there in limbo forever? 

Dropping not so subtle hints, like looking  through real estate listings/rentals, what have you, may make it real for them. I suggest just moving forward as though they're not even an issue. Because ultimately they're not. All that matters is what lies ahead for YOUR future. One without them in it.

You don't even have to announce your intent to never come back.  Get them comfortable with the reality of your leaving. Maybe don't drop all of the bombs at once.

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

Thank you, Liz. That's really helpful. I won't tell them, that's for sure now. They imagine they'd have their kids with them (my brothers came back from abroad too) forever, lol. But they have no idea. They're too lost in their own dramatic, terrifying little world where their existence depends on their kids to function properly.

Wow, I didn't know yours made you feel incapable of being out there. So sorry to hear. They certainly don't deserve you.

[Fortuna]

Fortunately I was able to get out and stay out once I hit college. I was able to that because I took jobs during the summer, specifically ones that included housing. If you have somewhere else you can go I would suggest doing that. Look for jobs that might housing so you can move out right away (nanny, caretaker, military service, maybe boarding schools, peace corps/Ameri-corps.) Up your game on applications (I know it's hard, I've been looking too and motivation and opportunities suck right now.) Take whatever you can that can help you save and get out of there. Save as much as you can once you are out so you have a cushion of cash so you never have to go back. I hope your process of getting out goes smooth and comes  quickly!

[MarlenaEve]

@Fortuna thank you for your kind answer! Yeah, I have been applying too for job in my field and not even an interview-I had all the skills they needed..Well, I understand that this is a difficult time so I'm trying to give myself a break.
Yeah, I was thinking of getting jobs that include housing.

Lucky you that you got out so early and never went back. You are very lucky. Imagine going back to your abusive parents in your late 30s and them starting to treat you again like you are 5. It's hilarious to see how immature they are but it's also sad. Dad lost some of his memory (I think because of my mothers' abuses) and is having health problems. No wonder. Locked up inside the house with a narc for 20-30 years can make you very sick.