New here, and have finally come to understand what is going on with daughter

[Momof3]

Hello all. I am new here.  Recently, my 40 year old daughter was the subject of a psych evaluation in connection with a custody battle regarding her daughter.  My daughter was sure the tests would prove that she was amazing mom, and  perfectly stable person, and that the father of the child would be found to be the one not on an even keel.  It was, as you can guess, the opposite.

Daughter has been an extremely difficult child to raise, almost from day one. Over the years, we have struggled to keep her from mixing in to  adult things that were none of her concern. Everything was a power struggle. She must be right at all costs, regardless of the topic. She needs to be the authority. The savior.  The Winner.  I hate to think of how much all of that stress aged my husband and I.    We have two boys, younger than she, who are wonderfully stable men, successful and kind.    (I should add that daughter is the product of a teen age romance, and not my husband's biological child, however, he raised her from age 10 months on). 

Anyway,  Daughter sent me the 147 page psych evaluation.  She expected me to say the Evaluator was completely wrong and that its a travesty, I guess.   Well, he wasn't. He articulated EXACTLY what my husband and I could never fully explain.  Now I know we could not figure it out because we don't have the professional education to deal with such matters. 

I will share a list of his findings, in case it gives voice to something that someone else is experiencing.

"A tendency to present as morally virtuous while perhaps not so;
A rather naïve and unsophisticated self-image;
Personal problems and potentially maladaptive attitudes;
High profile-definition on testing suggests her issues are of an enduring nature, likely to retain relative salience;
Test & collateral evidence of challenged & poor emotional control;
Noted passive-aggressive and impulsive tendencies;
Overuse of denial to manage sexual or aggressive impulses;
Chronic difficulties controlling anger; irritable and/or hostile with occasional angry outbursts causing embarrassment or concern;
Believes others are largely responsible for her difficulties;
Moody and somewhat rebellious, her reactions are more likely to be passively-resistant rather than active aggression;
Under stress or duress, she may tend towards somatic complaints;
She often feels socially-isolated, estranged, and alienated from people, including family;
She admittedly is suspicious of others and has "trust issues";
Despite presenting as socially-outgoing, her close relationships may be superficial and rocky due to her passive-aggressive and manipulative nature. She resists accepting responsibility;
She may be a poor candidate for therapy, uses denial a great deal, and tends to display little psychological insight; 
She is fiercely independent and at times, head-strong to a fault;
Shows an attitude of entitlement with respect to parenting Emily;
A strong-willed, tenacious, and at times perhaps self-serving propensity to "win" at all costs;
Tendencies to minimize evident issues while attempting to portray "normalcy" and control;
May not always be honest and forthright. "

Now that I have seen all of this in black and white, it has been my Light Bulb Moment.   That, combined with reading an Affidavit that she wrote and intends to present in court tomorrow, I know now that I must withdraw from this see-saw relationship I am in with her. She hates me most of the time, wants me to admit to being the "worst mother ever".... unless she is in a crisis, and "needs" me., at which time I approach sainthoood, if only for a little while.   

There is nothing in it for me, other than heartache and stress.  And it doesn't even help her, in that she uses arguments with me to "charge her batteries" .  Not a service I wish to provide any longer.  She does not listen to me, she wants to manipulate all things to her advantage, and as far as the custody battle goes, she is dead wrong.  She is blocking one week on, one week off schedule because she cant bare to be without her 8 year old daughter for a week.  (who sleeps in her mother's bed!!!).  I think my granddaughter deserves some stability, and a sustainable schedule, and hope that is what the judge orders tomorrow.

If you read this far, thanks.  I am starting to sleep a little better as this settles in my mind, and am coming to terms with it all. 

[notrightinthehead]

welcome! It's hard when it is your own child. Please  as a start read the toolbox and start implementing the tools that are suitable for you.  I would especially recommend medium chill and non JADE as a start. There are many books that might be of value to you as well,  you will find them under book reviews.  See you around on the boards!

[Daniella]

wants me to admit to being the "worst mother ever".... unless she is in a crisis, and "needs" me., at which time I approach sainthoood, if only for a little while.

I could have written that!

I'm still new to all this, but that aha moment was sanity saving for me.  I am completely no contact right now, because I need to heal from all my daughter's attacks.  Just knowing what is going on does help a lot.  My daughter does not want children, she admits she's too selfish.  I used to be disappointed, but now I am very thankful that she doesn't have any.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[BigBird]

Momof3
This site has really helped me, and your story adds to helping me as well. 
I'm amazed that there are soo many of us that have had nearly the exact same experience you are going through.
Our daughter is now 34 years old and like your experience, we also saw many troubling things with her growing up that wasn't what you would consider to be normal.  In the last six years or so our daughters behavior got to the point that you described happened with you, she was constantly blaming, attacking and belittling mom, at the same time constantly needing her attention daily and hourly eventually with the occasional switching that mom was an angel and saint and her only support.  Mom was constantly hoping she could help our daughter with all her problems and always was doing her best to put up with the abuse.  At the same time moms, my wife's, health was going downhill fast. This optomistic, vibrant, happy person that I've known for 40 years was now suffering from depression and could hardly get out of bed due to the depressed state she was in, but continued helping our daughter in hopes she could change her.  Thankfully she finally listened to counselors who told her that for her health sake and for her daughters progress they told her she needed to go No-Contact with our daughter.  That was a year and a half ago. And while she hasn't even seen or communicated with our daughter at all for that time, I continue to try and keep communication with her even though her attitudes haven't changed and she continues on with no signs of remorse or sense of responsibility toward any personal mistakes she has done.  It took a long amount of time for my wife to get back to her normal self again.  She has no problem at all being no-contact and recognizes that there is absolutely nothing we as her parents can do to cure her.  She is much stronger than I am with the fact that it's best that we leave it in Gods hands now as I continue to try where she left off.  I realize our daughter has to first recognize she has issues and then desire to get help.  I don't think that she can even ever come to admit she has issues much less seek help.   
I myself just finished writing a post asking for help on what I should do because just my trying to keep in contact is wearing me down due to my daughters constant negative attitude and attacks. 
I forgot to mention that we were also counseled to cut her off completely financially as she refused to find employment believing that we owed it to her to take care of her the rest of her life.  We also had to force her out of the house as she refused to leave at the same time always complained how she hated living here. 
I don't know if you've been abused like so many others have been being a victim of someone who has a personality disorder.  As was suggested in the first response I have found it very helpful to study personality disorders and if possible try to pin-point what you think specifically what PD (personality disorder) your daughter tends to lean more towards and see why she is the way she is.

You aren't alone in this struggle.

I know this is a long response, and I'm sorry about that.  I obviously used it to share our story and situation which selfishly helps get thinks off my chest by sharing them with you.  It helps to share.
I do have a question for you that you might be able to help me with.
I'm kinda surprised that your daughter agreed to be evaluated by a professional.
We tried without success to talk our daughter into being evaluated and she always refused to be. 
Would you mind sharing how in the world your daughter agreed to have it done.
I'm actually considering bribing my daughter with as much money as she demands in order to talk her into getting evaluated and letting us know the results.  She has been to counseling and threatened the counselor that she would sue him if he writes in his notes that she has a narcissitic personality disorder at her last visit with him.  I think my daughter might believe she has major personality disorders but she will never admit it, recognize it or be evaluated.  Deniel forever.

I don't know much, but I do know by coming to this forum it helps a lot.  One thing my wife and I did was go to counseling ourselves to have help and counsel on how to deal with our daughter.  It led to our daughter seeing the same counselor but resulted in her inability to accept what the counselor tried to help her with. 

I hope in some small way my words help.
BB

[BigBird]

After reading the evaluation report and looking up the words I didn't know the meanings of I have to say that this discribes our child to the "T"
Did the doctor state what specific personality disorder your daughter has?

Thanks
BB