husband is chronically fixated/jealous/suspicious

brokenwing · February 08, 2021, 05:10:07 PM

Hi everyone. **LONG POST WARNING**

I am new here, but I know that this is exactly where I belong. I am currently married to- and living separately from a man and we've been together for a total of 4 years. I believe, with good reason, that he has an uPD. I'm not exactly sure which one, but there's definitely something going on. In the beginning, he blamed his ex wife of 20 years for giving him PTSD in the wake of an affair that ended their marriage. When I met him I was a bar manager and he was a patron. When we met there was an electric energy about him. He screamed confidence and charisma. Charm level off the charts. He was beautiful physically, he was educated and very intelligent. Everything that he was showing me was exactly what I thought I needed.

He swept me right off my feet. I was newly single after breaking off an engagement. I was just living my life, a single mom of a teenager, living life and I loved slinging drinks. I was making great money, I didn't have a worry in the world. And then the first little red flag happened. One night, late, he came into my bar, just looked around the corner and saw me running the bar with probably 10 ish men at the bar. Totally normal for where I worked. An average thursday night. He made eye contact with me and he had the most terrifying look in his eye and turned around and walked out. I followed him and when he said "Have fun with your GUYS at the bar". I just stopped. Wait, what?

A month or so later we were casually dating and he invited me on a trip about 6 hours away. The morning before we left, he had dropped off a gift bag on my porch, and in the gift bag was a cologne that he picked out for me, along with a few other little things for the trip. No one had ever done anything like that for me. We drove to our destination and it was a beautiful, mystical place the likes of things I'd never seen in my lifetime. I mean GORGEOUS. And we had an amazing trip! The conversation flowed so easily. While we were talking he mentioned his ex, and he said that he can only NOT tolerate ONE thing. Dishonesty. And this is when the REAL jealousy and fixation started. My phone rang, and it was a male friend calling me. I answered the phone and chatted briefly. When I hung up, it was the same terrifying look. And his demeanor changed. THIS MOMENT is where it all always goes back around to.

My husband seems suspicious 100% of the time. He thinks it's suspicious that I used to keep my phone locked. He's gone into my phone looking for god knows what in the middle of the night multiple times. (I now just leave it unlocked. Go ahead and look) We have what people would describe as a VERY tumultuous relationship. My husband has chronically accused me of cheating on him. I have NEVER even had so much as an inappropriate conversation with another man. I have lost jobs because I missed so much work due to physical and emotional abuse. He is highly manipulative. He recently gaslit me so badly that he got me to believe that I'M the narcissist. I even agreed that he might be right. And then I brought it to my therapist. She found it to be absurd. She believes that I have been a victim of his gaslighting and since very recently, we lived in the same house, and I could never escape it... and I was always responding to some accusation or other. I mean, this is crazy-making behavior. I have never felt so mistrusted.

examples of his behaviour: We were arguing one day about something or other, and he was outside. I opened the blinds to the front of the house because I thought I heard the car start and I wanted to see if he was leaving. He didn't come around the corner, so I went to listen for him by the back door. He walks in, see's the one blind open, and as he see's it- I was "ogling the good looking neighbor".

we walk through a grocery store, and he nearly hits a man with the shopping cart because I was staring at and ogling him.

this next one might be where he's hit the hardest. I have 2 children that are grown. I have always had a good relationship with my ex husband and their dad. Always. We were divorced for 10 years before I met my current husband. My ex husband has always been a stabilizing influence in my life (especially after losing both parents) and we were always on good terms. He's a very kindly person, very mild mannered and easy going guy. He's certainly not perfect, because no one ever is... but he's just a good guy. When I had to leave and get an apartment after the latest physical episode, he was totally in control of our finances. I had no money. I left and went to a DV shelter until I could go stay with my 21 year old son... and when I was looking for apartments and getting ready to file for divorce, my ex husband helped me financially and he and the kids and I spent an afternoon together. THAT IS IT. It was like old times. We went out to eat as a group. We all went to see the new apartment. He loaned me some money, and then he left and went back home (a couple hours away). Well, what feels like INEVITABLY, my husband will weasel his way back in and DEMAND 100% honesty. When I tell him that my ex was around, he loses it completely. And now, since we've been separated, he has just beaten me over the head (figuratively) with the truth. Yes he was here. Yes the kids were here. Yes he gave me money. No we were not intimate. And then it is like a broken record.

It's always been the issue of me being unfaithful somehow. And I have zero reason to lie here. I have NEVER EVER been unfaithful to him. Not even when I have left him. What is this?? What makes people so excessively jealous and mistrusting? And then we go round and round. I'm just in a fog anymore. I am in therapy, and my therapist and I are doing EMDR in our sessions from some of the past traumas. I try very hard not to allow him to verbally abuse me. If he starts drinking alcohol, I block him immediately. That's when he gets REALLY ugly. Shame and blame and harsh judgement of me and everything he can dig up about my past.

FWIW he is also doing some EMDR... but he refuses to tell his therapist his core abuse wound. He feels too ashamed. I just don't know what to do anymore

brokenwing · February 08, 2021, 06:09:50 PM

Sorry for the second helping, but I just feel like I should clarify some things. And I really need to vent

We separated in August last year. uPDh still lives in our house and I fled to an apartment. I am financially independent for the most part. He pays for his health insurance that comes out of my check if he's feeling positive enough about me. But I made some strategic decisions last summer and found my way to a peaceful little apartment. He does not like this arrangement, of course. And of course, he is very fond of telling me that "My ex husband moved me out of OUR house" which is not the truth. Ex husband came to my town in a supportive role the day after I moved in. With our children there too. The hard part for me was getting away. But after uPDh came back into my life, it was with the agreement that we both enter therapy (I already had) and we each work on ourselves separately with the intention to reunite. As far as I can tell, he is going to therapy, he is doing EMDR because he's got some serious core wounds issues, however he refuses to tell the therapist the whole truth, so I can't be sure what he's gaining from it.

As far as myself, I go to EMDR appts faithfully once a week. I have a solid relationship with my therapist and I feel like she's been fair with me. We're right in the thick of EMDR at this moment. It's amazing the issues you discover when you enter therapy. Especially core wound work. Abandonment, self preservation mode, abuses unpacked.... EMDR is crazy. I have a true love hate relationship with it. It's supposed to help so I keep going every week. I have also done something very kind for myself. I joined a womens empowerment group. However, because of Covid, it's been tough to actually get there and meet up with people because of masks and social distancing, but I'm trying. Ive gone to a few events and there's another one coming up in March... It's going to be a good thing, but just hasn't gotten off the ground quite yet. I allowed him to buy me a dress for an upcoming event, and I now regret that tremendously because he loves to lord things over my head. "I did this for you, so you owe me" sort of thing.

I always feel like... My God, what I wouldn't give to go back and realize that I wasn't dealing with a normal, rational person. He fooled me for so long and then it was like he pulled the rug. And he can literally turn around and say the same thing back to me and I just kind of go blank. like... wait... WHAT??? You can only hit the brick wall so many times, ya know? it's CRAZY MAKING. Today, it's all the drunken texts about my ex husband. Tomorrow, it'll be the neighbor guy. Then back to my ex husband. Then the guy in the grocery store. My head feels like it actually spins sometimes.

He is so explicit too... he'll say something like this. "I know exactly when you're going to stare at someone. You drop back a step, and your shoulders turn, then your head. What is wrong with you?" And I can never remember who he's talking about. It's the strangest thing. Because it's never like... people we know. It's people we don't know. He accused me once at parent's weekend for my son's freshman year in college. He accused me once at a Costco. He accused me at his nephew's Confirmation in the middle of a lutheran church service. And then he will go on and on about how I invalidate him CONSTANTLY. It's truly maddening.

brokenwing · February 09, 2021, 04:20:26 PM

So... did I post this in the wrong thread or do something wrong?

bloomie · February 09, 2021, 04:48:15 PM

Hi and welcome brokenwing. You most certainly didn't do anything wrong in posting the boards get busy sometimes and it takes a bit for folks to respond. Please keep sharing and participating and settling in!

I am just so sorry for all that you have gone through in your marriage. It takes so much courage to step away from such an exhausting and threatening atmosphere and I applaud you for doing so. How confusing and disappointing, not to mention scary all of this behavior must be in your intimate relationship.

Living always waiting for the next shoe to drop has to have taken an incredible toll. How wise to begin to build a support system around yourself with therapy and an empowering group, bringing trusted family members into the center of your recovery, and then also joining into the conversations here at Out of the FOG.

The resources and insights here have been invaluable for me in my own healing journey! I hope you find your time to be a help as well.

I look forward to supporting you and thank you for sharing a bit of what brings you here with us. Again, welcome! 🌸

brokenwing · February 09, 2021, 06:43:05 PM

Thank you Bloomie! I'm glad someone answered me, and that it was you! I am in a real mess right now.

It is very, very confusing for me. The worst part is the trauma bonds. I'm really struggling to stay away from him. It's like a drug that I can't live without. No matter what he says. Because tomorrow, he'll be over the top sweet to me. I've been working with my therapist on setting boundaries. It's so super strange. I've never known anyone before in my lifetime that I had to actively TRY to set boundaries with. I always just had them and I never ever let anyone walk all over me like this. I wish, too that I had seen all the flags sooner. I would NEVER have opened myself up to his manipulations. 20/20 hindsight I guess.

the other part that bothers me to no end, is that in my trauma triggered fight/flight/freeze states I have turned into a monster myself. I've NEVER behaved in such reprehensible ways EVER before in this lifetime and I am 44 years old.. When I talk to my therapist, she assures me that someone can't be subjected to that much abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, financial) without eventually lashing back. Both of my 21 and 22 year old children can't even believe that this is happening to THEIR mom.

I recently met up with a friend 1 on 1 from our women's group and we were talking about this. She was the person who showed this forum to me. I didn't know this existed. I'm really grateful to be here.

I'm going to do some looking into grey rock, and possibly NC. Today was especially bad. I am grateful every day that I have a safe place away from him. Today is his birthday, and somehow, I feel awful for not being there with him. I do love this man. He is not all bad all the time. But when he is, it's a true nightmare of confusion, circular arguing, verbal abuse, one devaluation after another, repeating (for years!) the same grievance and expecting new apologies, cheating accusations, raking over the coals repeatedly, chronic accusations of "ogling" other men. It's SO much. I think I'm still very much in the fog

I need some skills to speak more constructively with him. I have EMDR in the morning before work, so she'll be helpful too. Thanks for hearing me.

Thanks for listening.

1footouttadefog · February 10, 2021, 07:29:40 AM

I am sorry to read your story. You are definitely in an anusive relationship regardless of what the diagnosis might be for your H.

Its good you are aware of the gaslighting. As you read more here you will likely identify other things as forms of abuse in your relationship.

Good that you are working on your sode of things, make sure you take care of your self holistically. Its alot of work to come Out of the FOG, you will need strength for healing and processing.

I will add that in a great many stories that I have read here, the type of jealoisy, accusation and gaslighting you describe is later found to involve infidelity on the accusers part. Take measures to protect your health, as there may be a healthy dose of projection going on.

That he is "working"on himself in therapy does not obligate you. Sometimes abusers will use their going to therapy to manipulate and obligate. Additionally it often happens that a pd will be dishonest in therapy and use therapy to gain narcisstic supply from the therapist, all while gaining new words and methods for accusing and abusing their partners and others.

I am glad you are living separately while working on things. Keep the strength, courage and independence, that brought you to make that move.

I hope you find your self on the path to the best possible life soon. The hard times dont last forever.

notrightinthehead · February 10, 2021, 07:31:09 AM

I want to add my welcome brokenwing. It sure sounds like your h has a lot of problems. It might help you if you could accept that you won't be able to love him to health, but you can wreck yourself trying.
You wrote that he abused you physically, emotionally, financially. Maybe you could benefit from reading "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft. It was a tremendous eye opener for me.
I experienced the ridiculous jealousy myself - my then boyfriend once accused me of having sex on the toilet when there was a queue and I took longer than he expected. Instead of laughing out loud and walking away from him, I took him seriously and tried to defend myself! Only for him to become more fixed on the idea. I want to take my younger self into my arms now, comfort her, and tell her - he is not well. He needs more help than you will ever be able to give him. Let him sort himself out before you have contact with him again.

brokenwing · February 10, 2021, 07:53:39 AM

thank you for the advice, suggestions and support. This morning I am going to my EMDR appointment, and lord only knows what will surface this week. I keep waiting for the day that I heal these core wounds enough to finally walk away. Just want to say thank you guys.

yesterday, all day he was full of accusations. He broke his shoulder and is off work now for a long period of time. He has nothing whatsoever to do except to drink himself silly and hurl accusations. I block, mute, try not to listen, but at one point I went into full JADE mode. I can't take it anymore. So glad that I have an appointment today. I have to stop the JADEing. The more separation, the better at this point. I have to just let this cycle die down without my own input.

Again. Thanks everyone

Frankie14 · February 10, 2021, 09:44:34 AM

Sorry for your ordeal with your PD H; I will start off with the positive, you have only been married a short time, no longer live with him, and have no children with this man. That's a huge advantage.

This is going to be the negative; you still give weight to his words, I will be frank; WHO CARES WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, running his mouth, he has no one to run it do when you hang up, do not try to talk sense into him, he isn't even listening. He's running his mouth to dominate you, and you are begging and pleading your case you didn't cheat or oogle. Never JADE, you know this..they control you when you JADE..they do not control us anymore.

BLOCK is your friend. No contact. Go thru attorney's once you file, he has no RIGHT to say a word to you, if you don't want him to..

You are in control of your own life and destiny..

He can run his mouth about who you slept with, or oogled all day long; you won't be around to hear it. His words mean nothing.

Silence is your friend, do not respond or react to anything he says, you do not even live with this person anymore, you have no children together you have no reason to speak...

If you aren't strong enough yet on your own...here, we are. We have been thru multiple variations of what you went thru, we get it.

The only way to get out of this is NO CONTACT...there literally *IS* no other way.

You don't live in the same house, have no common children, no reason to listen to a word he says..be done with him. Don't waste another second of what is left of your life on what this man says or thinks or does. NO BODY CARES. He can shut up. The sooner you free yourself of being his victim, he will find a new source to terrorize...you can enjoy your peace..

What he thinks or how he feels or what he has to say doesn't matter. Why he does what he does, doesn't matter. Focus only on yourself, your therapy, your life, your adult children.

You are only 44 years old, you have a lot of life and good times ahead of you.

bloomie · February 10, 2021, 09:55:07 AM

brokenwing... you say he is not all bad and has good qualities and of course he does. No one is all good or all bad and that makes it really confusing at times.

One of the founding members of this forum says something like this...'if someone treats you good 90% of the time and bad 10% of the time you feel bad 100% of the time.'

And also the 3 C's mantra has been a big help for me: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it. I can't control it." He was this 'way' when you met him. All you can do each day is what is only yours to do.

Keep up your healing work and take this one day at a time. You have made important steps away from a constant atmosphere of risk and abuse. That is a lot! Give yourself credit for the courage and strength you are displaying and continue to choose your health and welfare and recovery first.

brokenwing · February 10, 2021, 10:26:02 AM

Thank you everyone! Some days I let him in, JADE, etc. Most days anymore I do not. It's been a rough reality check lately. I just took everything to my therapist and she concurs with everything said here. More importantly, I do too. I look forward to this journey of healing, learning, freeing experiences that are coming up. I'm just not able to hear him anymore. No more JADE was the resolution yesterday and affirmed today.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!