Anger at having to deal with this

[Hilltop]

I am feeling angry that I have to deal with this.  I recently started thinking of my sister and how she just estranged herself with me 15 years ago and she moved away but she still has a relationship with our parents.  I am now NC with my parents.  I was the SG and as I am looking back I do think that some of her behaviour toward me was part of the scapegoat role and in part I think I just frustrated her/she didn't like me, nothing in common and she simply walked away. 

She lives about 4 hours away so sees my parents maybe once a year and speaks on the phone.  She has four kids now and I get the feeling her life is busy.  I get the feeling that she has moved on from this stuff.  She has her own family now and they all seem really happy, my parents use to say they all seem really happy too.  I am assuming but I have on occasion looked at her Facebook page and life looks good for her.

While I am happy for her I am left with an angry feeling that I am still dealing with left over hurt.  I was unable to have children and I feel like I don't have the distraction she does.  I have healed from my infertility but I do get angry that with her estrangement she has also taken away the opportunity for me to be an aunt. I feel like maybe they are right, I am the difficult one, look at me still upset while everyone else has moved on.

I am now NC with my parents as I live near them so I saw them more frequently.  I was the one they mocked and put down, the relationship has always been difficult.  Not for her, they haven't treated her like that.  I remember many years ago the four of us got together for lunch as adults and the stark difference in how they spoke to her was obvious.  I was left so hurt and angry to see this easy flow between my sister and my parents.  They were so complimentary of her.

I just feel like I am not in a great place in my life.  I have many great things to be happy about but I am in a rut I suppose.  I wonder if I was busier or happier would none of this affect me.  I feel like I am left on my own to get over this hurt and anger.  I am left to deal with the effects of being estranged from someone who has simply said "you aren't important enough to me".  She has moved on and created a life for herself and I am left still feeling angry about not having a family or support network.  Even when I deliberately didn't react to my parents put downs and insults, it didn't change a thing, a year later they were worse, which is how I ended up NC.

I do have a great husband and a couple of great friends but I feel stuck having to deal with FOO stuff when she has moved on and has created her own FOC.  In the past she may have been very unkind to me, I have no idea now if she would be kind or not, I haven't seen or heard from her in years.  I am left feeling like I am difficult, weird, like I am the PD one.

I am trying to work through this and let the feelings out but does anyone feel the same way?  I am trying to show self compassion but struggling big time.

[Andeza]

Ah, Hilltop, this is a hard place to be in. I'm sorry you're in this position.

I hate social media. Why? Because people get to pick and choose and only show the really good stuff in their lives. It makes everybody look happier than everybody else. The classic grass is greener on the other side of the fence just magnified many times over. It's a false representation in most cases. I can almost promise you, she has problems in her life too.

If I had to guess, since you were the SG, was she the GC? If so, then you can almost put money of the fact that your parents have twisted her view of you. She probably doesn't see you for who you are, and even if she did, she wouldn't be able to accept the boundaries of a normal, healthy person because she most likely isn't. The GC does not get out unscathed, and frequently they distance themselves from the disordered parents as they grow older for reasons they don't even understand. I've seen it several times now.

I think that getting to the root of why you are feeling the way you are is important, but remember that it is, essentially, opening up old scars and letting them bleed again in the sunlight to cleanse the old infection. It is NOT an easy process, nor a pleasant one. Sometimes the ah-ha moment is not a happy Eureka! but rather a quiet and sad puddle of tears. This is why self-compassion is so very, very important. Once you have discovered it, and taken the time to recover and let the old wounds scar back over, then you can look more to the future and what, if anything, in your life you want to change. Here's a hug if you need it.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Andeza I really needed to hear that today.  I was going so well and then bam.  It's funny I hadn't really thought much of my sister, I mean we have this estranged relationship, her choice and I know there are problems but for some reason I have only thought about it every now and again but not deeply.  Its something I do need to delve into which I'm doing now.

I remember my mom saying to me that a psychic had told her that one of us would have lots of kids but it was ok, they'll have the energy and stamina to deal with it.  My mother told me that she had originally thought it was me but now she knew that wasn't me at all and of course it fit my sister's personality much better and the psychic must have been talking about her.  I felt like rubbish, I am lower energy than my sister. I do understand my low self esteem is my problem though.

Its not like my life or her life is that much better than the other.  We both have a lot of positives, we are both successful in many ways, our lives are very different, I don't want to compare myself but I find myself doing just that at the moment. I do think perhaps she could have a screwed up version of me and me of her.   I really need to get to the root of why I'm feeling like this, it just seems fuzzy to me.  I keep thinking sibling rivalry but its time for old beliefs to be cut and removed.

[Hepatica]

I wish there were answers Hilltop, but my first theory is that you're right, your sister is probably overwhelmed and barely managing her four children and maybe she's in a bad place herself. But also, since you know your FOO well, perhaps Andeza is on to something about your parents possibly talking about you in a negative light, and your sister has formed an unfair opinion of you, which because she is so busy she isn't inclined to confirm.

But what does it say about your sister? ... that she does not even reach out to you and find out for herself? It seems to lack in compassion and love for you, to me. And I know that would sting, hence your angry feelings - which are perfectly fine and normal when we know we're decent and someone is treating us like we need punishment.

Coming to terms with what we wish things would be and what they actually are is so hard. And you're right, esp. during COVID, when many of us have a lot of time alone to ruminate.

It might be the time to change focus, if you can. Make lists of what you want to do when COVID ends? What can you do now to build yourself up? What are your passions? What does self-love look like for you? Can you start a practice that builds that up in yourself?

It's so easy to fall into the questions about why someone does not like us? But does it really matter? Because once we're onside with ourselves and we know that our small group of loved ones do care about us, we're going to be okay.

[Chrysanthemum]

You are not alone, Hilltop. I am so angry right now! Angry that I have to give so much of my brain space to this, angry at feeling misunderstood by people I love, angry that I was stuck inside the FOG for so long. I don't know how long it takes for the anger to end. I'm kind of mad at humans in general now, mad that so many people behave this way and that I too fell victim to it.

[Hilltop]

Chrysanthemum yep that's how I feel.  Angry that I have given so much time to this, I'm angry that my sister has this distraction of four kids and a hectic life and she appears to have smoothly sailed onwards with no thought of anything else and I'm angry that I miss the opportunity of being an aunt because of all this.  I see my friends doing stuff with their nieces/nephews and loving it and I feel a twinge of sadness at that.

Hepatica - I do think my sister is really busy at the moment and I do feel an envy at that, she wouldn't have time to be bogged down with this.  I guess I just feel like she moved on from it and I was left living near my parents and I got stuck having to deal with their negativity and mocking and so the whole ordeal just went on for so many more years for me.  I just wish now I had of moved away, my DH and I did have the opportunity early on but remained where we were, you know why, because I said family was important and yet look at what family has brought me.  I am kicking myself for that, I don't blame my sister for my decisions though.

You are right that my sister never did reach out, never asked about anything.  When she refused to come to my wedding, she told me to my face that she simply couldn't be bothered coming, I actually forgave her that (it was a destination wedding) however she told my mother she had an early miscarriage a few months prior and then told mom her husband was scared of flying.  I do think if she was kinder or cared she could have at least said she was going through something at the time.  I mean to not go to your siblings wedding, is pretty big but being a destination wedding we understood that however she didn't even call me after, nothing, never asked to see photo's, didn't ask about the honeymoon and yet she acts like that is a normal thing to do.  My sister at the time of me getting married travelled down to our home town to visit friends and visit other relatives, I remember feeling odd she would do that the very few days I was getting married, however it may not be anything and certainly doesn't matter now.

I simply don't understand where that level of hostility comes from.  I heard something recently where someone commented saying that siblings can blame each other rather than their parents and part of me wonders if she blames me for the dysfunction in the family, she believes that rather than looking at the source of it ie our parents.  Funny thing though, my husband correctly guessed that she would try to get pregnant before our wedding to get some attention back to herself.  My sister is extremely attention seeking, its ongoing with her. 

I know it will be ok without my sister, one day down the track.  You are right during these Covid times, it's all a little restrictive at the moment and I feel it.  I do have some plans for this year but really one of those plans was to really get this stuff out so I want to get this anger out now.  I just feel like I need to really grieve it and then perhaps I can move into accepting it.  I am working on self love, my self compassion seems to have slipped a little, I kicked myself hard, I guess this is the relationship that is fuzzy, I still can't understand it or like you say coming to terms with how things are is hard.  Perhaps I am still battling myself. I see my friends relationships with their siblings and I still think I can have that and perhaps I need to accept that it isn't to be and perhaps I need to be happy that I am not like my sister, so cold hearted that she would turn her back on someone's wedding with no thought or no care.  What would be in that persons heart to be so callous.  I have heard a saying "is your heart so black".

Yeah I haven't thought about it like that, how dark must a heart be to not even reach out after a wedding, a simple phone call, how was it, send me some photo's.  The next time she came down to our home town, nope didn't visit, didn't want to know anything from me about the wedding, she obviously just found out via our parents. I mean this was only a couple of years after I was Maid of Honour at her wedding.  How weird.  I get that she was hurting but you don't build bridges like that, that was her taking a sledge hammer to the foundation. 

I think I will be more than fine once I work through this, its not a great family to be part of and really its more that I simply wanted something different.

[Hilltop]

Thanks everyone, I finally realised something, my sister hasn't been very nice to me and that isn't about me, that is about her. I'm not perfect but I have never been deliberately hurtful to her.

What stands out to me is our weddings.  For her wedding I participated with a genuine smile on my face, she had a nice drama free wedding, we all came together to make the day nice for her.  For my wedding, she didn't attend, didn't call afterward, didn't come see the photo's, nothing, pretended like it didn't exist, did nothing to make the occasion nice for me.  At the wedding my mother jumbled up the make up people so they didn't arrive, to get them to come, they were late and then my mother took a picture of my face glaring at her and then the first thing my mother said to me when she saw me in my wedding dress was "How do I look".

Secondly a couple of years back sister, her husband, four kids had an all expenses paid vacation in Fiji with my parents, DH and I have never been invited on any family vacation.  My nephew found out I existed at the age of 10 during that holiday.  That Christmas my sister for the first time ever decided to come down for Christmas at my parents.  They wanted me to meet the nephew.  The thing is I had been unsuccessful in IVF a couple of times and my mother knew I was struggling with infertility.  As soon as I was asked to go I felt unsafe, I knew I couldn't be around watching my sister and all these kids, being ignored and have her throw her family in my face at that time.  I felt it was a set up.  Without me saying anything my DH refused to go as he himself said he didn't want to sit ignored at the table whilst my sister was the star of her own show.  That had happened at every dinner so he wasn't wrong.

I could be wrong perhaps it really was just about my nephew but I just knew I would go and my sister and mother would smirk away as my sister showed off her kids whilst I was struggling with infertility.  At the thought of going I felt panicked.  I had felt ganged up on by them before however this was different but the truth is I couldn't be completely confident they wouldn't be cruel to me.  My sister has since never come down again for Christmas. She doesn't even invite my parents to go up there for Christmas.  I don't like assuming but this is how they have acted in the past.  The fact that I didn't feel safe, I didn't go.  I haven't regretted that.

So I sit here and it finally dawns on me, I don't want her in my life.  I don't feel safe around her, I don't want to be put in a position ever again of having them smirk at me and tell me to my face how they laughed about something.  They have talked a lot, I'm left out of that.  I feel like I am on the outer.  They now have the ability to be really hurtful regarding my infertility and I don't trust them not to hurt me.  My mother has already told me how  a woman she works with didn't have kids and she is miserable and that my mom pities her and her lonely life.  Surely my mother would be able to connect the dots that I don't have kids and how am I suppose to take that.  I avoided the first invitation by my sister in 15 years because of fears of them being hurtful.  I didn't trust them and that speaks volumes.

I think I will be fine without this in my life.  In fact I feel protected now having removed this from my life.  When I look at what they offer, I don't actually want it.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I think an important piece to remember Hilltop is that often these family members (PD's or no) act this way because they perceive you have something they don't. This is what they do to feel better about themselves, is to exclude, reject, triangulate. They're almost threatened, maybe.

They can't deal with their own emptiness. They foist it onto you instead, someone who they sense has the chance to experience the real world, honesty, and to be healthy and escape all the emptiness they themselves can't escape. It's their only relief. Crabs in a barrel, pulling the one down who wants to get out, so the saying goes.

I have often wondered if people like this were completely deprived of people to abuse (like us), what would that look like? How quickly would they fall apart?

The scapegoat is often chosen because they are healthy, whole, honest, and have a better chance then the rest of the family (yes, even than the GC), and they're strong enough to take the load (until they get wise and don't want to carry it no more). So many psychology articles I read say that while scapegoat abuse is some of the most painful someone can experience, the scapegoats simultaneously have the best chance of a healthy, happy life compared to anyone else in a dysfunctional family - abusers have little no chance and this is the fuel and beautiful energy they instinctively sense in you, and try to sap you of, because they don't have it.

Maybe your sister (and M) have all these relationships they've purposefully kept from you because what you have, in their eyes, is amazing. I can't say what that is, maybe even a je ne se quoi, but I can bet you they're jealous of something. Allowing these relationships would give you too much, obviously, otherwise they wouldn't do what they're doing. Clearly, being withholding makes them feel better about themselves.

I'm not going to say the tired cliche of "be grateful for what you have" (that line can be so inappropriate for a grieving person) but for me it's not just been a cheesy sentiment, it's a literal fact I have to remember in my dealings with my FOO. Otherwise I wouldn't have ever been scapegoated....we get scapegoated for a reason: we're strong and inherently valuable. Remember, they are projecting onto you what they feel about themselves. If they make you feel like shit it's because they feel like shit.

Sure, my FOO gets all the FOO, but I have a FOC that's probably better and I'd rather work on making that beautiful. Plus, I got to choose them.

I can sooooo relate to being angry about what you didn't have. Niece/nephew relationships, being a cool aunt, extended family, support network, maybe even good blood family that didn't go bad, period. It all feels like it was ripped from me and I'm fated to be a lone wolf.

I still hiss and spit every now and then. Let the anger out, I say (in a healthy way.) Grieve the relationships that were lost.

Just don't forget that you were born with something they didn't have and never will, and based on their jealous behavior of you, it's probably something really special.

[Chrysanthemum]

I have often wondered if people like this were completely deprived of people to abuse (like us), what would that look like? How quickly would they fall apart?
...
Otherwise I wouldn't have ever been scapegoated....we get scapegoated for a reason: we're strong and inherently valuable. Remember, they are projecting onto you what they feel about themselves. If they make you feel like shit it's because they feel like shit.

This is giving me chills, DistanceNotDefense! It's so true of my situation. Can't tell you the number of times my MIL has said, "I'm so glad I don't need to worry about you and DH, you've got stable jobs and your whole life figured out" ........ then it gets flipped on us and we're just not giving enough of our sanity and time and money for poor unhealthy uPD SIL.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I have often wondered if people like this were completely deprived of people to abuse (like us), what would that look like? How quickly would they fall apart?
...
Otherwise I wouldn't have ever been scapegoated....we get scapegoated for a reason: we're strong and inherently valuable. Remember, they are projecting onto you what they feel about themselves. If they make you feel like shit it's because they feel like shit.

This is giving me chills, DistanceNotDefense! It's so true of my situation. Can't tell you the number of times my MIL has said, "I'm so glad I don't need to worry about you and DH, you've got stable jobs and your whole life figured out" ........ then it gets flipped on us and we're just not giving enough of our sanity and time and money for poor unhealthy uPD SIL.

Chrysanthemum - this is literally an identical dynamic to what I've dealt with. My M has said the exact same types of things to me and my DH, congratulating us on how well-adjusted and independent we are, that she doesn't need to worry about us and loves that.

But, at the same time, expecting me to drop everything to entertain or caretake other FOO who DON'T have their shit together at a moment's notice - even to care for FOO (like my own uPD sister) that are abusive despite how they treat us or feel about us.

When we stopped being so generous and drawing some basic boundaries on this (and actually, could have used some worry, support, and concern from them that could be spared during such a hard time we were going through), the response was kind of a slow burning distance that grew, into a type of passive-aggressive shunning, quiet resentment, and then a withholding of love and support. (Oh, and then eventually a smear campaign.)

We are the ones that must caretake, it can never be the other way around.

It sucks.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Distance and Chrysanthemum.  I remember reading somewhere that the SG is not suppose to be successful or achieve anything because it threatens the families perception of you as being the SG, which is suppose to be the failure of the family.  I do believe this is true.

If I mention seeing a friend my mother has actually asked me "Is that your friend or is that DH's friends".  In her mind I wouldn't have any friends, FOO don't like me so it actually surprised her that I had friends.

I had some success with achieving a new role at work last year and a few weeks after my mother found out she told me that she had no respect for the profession I was in and that females are horrible in that role.  I think this was again downplaying my achievement.

Ages ago we bought a house near them in a really nice location.  Later my mother said that their area was more expensive.  She said that she had looked up what their house would be worth and then for the next few months would constantly tell me about other houses around them being so expensive.

I think the pattern is starting to become more obvious to me. My sister has also had success with her career, they have since travelled and she has four kids.  Life is good for her,  we do live different lives but we both have stable careers, bought houses, travelled, I mean its not like she is struggling.  I am beginning to see that the feeling of comparison between us is my own problem, I don't need to buy into that from my family, even when they are propping her up and trying to bring me down.

Husband has just received news that he got new position with work and it looks like we will be moving about 3 hours away.  It will be near the coast, near the beach which is what we have been aiming for.  Still close enough to come and visit friends but its an area that has no family attachments on either side.  In laws are just as dysfunctional.  We initially lived close to in-laws then moved close to my parents, 10 mins away from them.  It feels good to be moving to an area that has no ties or connections, a new space. With the news of this upcoming move I am feeling a sense of relief. 

The whole time I have lived close to my parents I have always felt it was their area, its sort of weird to explain.  I just feel that getting away finally feels like I am being me and doing my own thing, it feels freeing.  There's probably more layers to peel back and heal and its so painful acknowledging stuff, so thanks Distance, your kind words were very much needed.  I feel like I am back on track. 

[Hilltop]

In short, I'm stuck on the why of it all and I am not going to get an answer to that unless my family tells me.  Its something I let go of and have looped back to.  My FOO is perhaps PD and 100% feel they are right and its all me, or they are unable to talk openly and honestly with me, they can talk to each other about me but not to me.  Perhaps they really do think their behaviour is normal and I'm just too sensitive.

Without that conversation, without them telling when they are hurt or what their issues are I will never know.  At this point the only thing I can do is work on my own self esteem and find ways to enjoy my own life regardless of how they feel about me. 

In some ways I am still struggling to fully accept it's their behaviour that has led here.  I am still somewhat feeling like I may have done something and I can't see it.  So really the why doesn't matter, why they feel they can act the way they do or why they can't tell me if I did do something.  Either way without them being honest I'll not know, so at this point I guess its time to let the issue go.

[Andeza]

It's not you, for what it's worth.

[Hilltop]

Andeza thanks.  I think I have turned a corner.  I've really been giving it a lot of thought.  I have tried to get along for years and yet I get hurt over and over.  Its time to just give up, its done. 

I don't say it in anger, I am just tired. My sister has just blatantly disregarded my whole life and its time to just accept it, her decision is hers to make, its nothing to do with me. I cannot change her unwillingness for a relationship.

I am NC now with my parents and its time to leave the past in the past.  There is no explanation, I am not going to fully understand it,  the only thing I need to understand is that I can't fix it or change it.  Its time and I feel ready to simply give up on the relationships.  The funny thing is that for years they have managed to tell me I am the difficult one, even 6 months ago my mother managed to get it into conversation. I'm no longer interested in hearing it.  They just made is so hard, it was too hard and I give up.  Hopefully I will simply keep moving towards a more peaceful life without these constant negative messages.

[blues_cruise]

Hopefully I will simply keep moving towards a more peaceful life without these constant negative messages.

This is all you can do and is the healthiest way to move forward I think. The mind naturally wants to ruminate on why a person would reject us when we haven't knowingly done anything to offend or hurt them, however you just end up running yourself ragged when you go down that rabbit hole.

I do think your sister being in the golden child role plus having the luxury of distance from your parents does mean that her perception of reality and what's acceptable and what's not is most likely entirely different to yours. Even if they know a situation is generally dysfunctional people are reluctant to give up the status quo until it affects them personally, so given that your parents are more positive to your sister than they are to you she's most likely chosen the path of least resistance.

It's possible she's simply inherited a lack of empathy and just isn't a particularly pleasant person in the first place. It's all too easy to be blinkered to the warning signs and expect too much of people, as naturally you want to see the good in them. Saying she couldn't be bothered to go to your wedding and then not making any effort to celebrate with you afterwards is just plain spiteful as far as I'm concerned and seems quite telling of who she is as a person. 

Husband has just received news that he got new position with work and it looks like we will be moving about 3 hours away.  It will be near the coast, near the beach which is what we have been aiming for.  Still close enough to come and visit friends but its an area that has no family attachments on either side.  In laws are just as dysfunctional.  We initially lived close to in-laws then moved close to my parents, 10 mins away from them.  It feels good to be moving to an area that has no ties or connections, a new space. With the news of this upcoming move I am feeling a sense of relief. 

The whole time I have lived close to my parents I have always felt it was their area, its sort of weird to explain.  I just feel that getting away finally feels like I am being me and doing my own thing, it feels freeing.  There's probably more layers to peel back and heal and its so painful acknowledging stuff, so thanks Distance, your kind words were very much needed.  I feel like I am back on track.

What fantastic news, congratulations! So exciting.  I know entirely what it's like to feel like you're living in 'their area'. I live far too close for comfort to my own in-laws and uNF. This will be such a positive step for you I'm sure, you can reclaim your identity and have the beautiful boundary of distance. 

[JustKathy]

Hi Hilltop,

I understand how you feel, I really do. I'm in the same place with my own sister. I know she was turned against me. I was the SG, my brother the GC, and my sister was just caught somewhere in the middle. There were never problems between us until the family order changed and my Nmother elevated her to GC. Once that happened, I lost all contact with sis. She won't answer phone calls, reply to emails, snail mails, anything.

Even though I've accepted that my sister was the victim of a smear campaign, it still hurts. I also have periods of deep depression over it. I don't really miss her, but I think that pain comes from knowing how easily someone was turned against me and that it was all based on lies.

I wish I had some advice on how to move past it, but I'm not really sure if that's 100% possible. Definitely look forward and try to put her in the rearview mirror, but don't be too hard on yourself if the hurt creeps back in. It definitely helps to come to sites like this, and maybe see a good therapist. That will help you to understand how and why it happened, but it's hard to work past the pain. I'd just try to do what you can to keep busy and keep your mind on other things as much as possible so those painful thoughts don't get the chance to consume you. I've found that writing and journaling help a lot. Just putting it down on paper can be very healing.

Please know that you're not alone. It's normal to feel the way you do. It effing hurts.

Sending you healing hugs ....

[makingachange]

Hello Hilltop!

I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this right now.  It is really tough to be in these kind of situations, that our FOO has put us in.  I haven't figured out everything in my situation either, I guess it takes time to sort through it all.

I have been no contact with my extended family for years, and it still hurts.  It hurts because it is our family who has set us up as their scapegoat, and we haven't really ever been able to shed that stigma.  I feel angry about this as well...I feel that we as scapegoats get the short end of the stick, and somehow they just say, deal with it.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but I also want you to know that there are so many of us here that support you through this!  I may not always know what to say or how to fix things, but I want you to know that I am here to listen.  <3

I hope that things improve and get better for you!! 

[Hilltop]

Thanks Blues, JustKathy and Makingachange it helps to read others stories.  I'm sorry we are all going through this.

I think I put it aside for years, kind of ignored it, yes I thought about it from time to time but just recently I kind of woke up and thought oh this is it, we aren't growing out of this, this is our dynamic in this family and its not going to change.  Especially with my sister I really did think we would move past it and I guess its only now I realise we aren't going to.  I don't trust her, a lot of damage has been done, I don't want to welcome her back in not that I have a choice in that, so what's left, nothing.

Dh and I recently went away for a few days and I didn't think about it, I felt great.  I came home and I think about it a lot.  I live near my parents, where we grew up, there are reminders all around me.  I look forward to moving this year, I think a new area with no reminders will be good for me.

I am slowly accepting it, how my parents are, my FOO, my sister.  I'm getting there, I've turned a corner at least.  I don't feel the need to fit in with them anymore.  I'm not interested in their opinion of me.  It hurts but I am starting to understand I am hurt about the loss of the family I wanted.  I kind of think that hurt will probably be there forever like most painful things in life and that's ok.  I still mourn the death of my dog from a few years ago every now and again and this will be the same, every now and again something will make me think of it and I'll grieve a little and that's ok.  As long as I don't get stuck in that grieving, I'm assuming that will become depression.

I need to work on taking care of myself, eating better and more exercise, I don't want to be stuck and keep ruminating.  I guess going NC was going to bring up a few emotions and that's ok.  Baby steps, things will improve and get better.

[Fortuna]

I have always like the term Book of Faces for Facebook because it's more descriptive. It's a book people write of their happy faces. Peoples facebook/pinterest/intsa life is not real life. It's staged, It's cherry-picked, It's filtered within an inch of it's life. One of the best things you can do for your mental health is stop comparing your actual life with other peoples facebook 'lives'.
Sounds like your sister was a golden child and so she would have the same experiences as you did, and may still buy the lie that you as the scapegoat are the reason everything bad in their lives happened. It's also possible she has picked up some of the same bad behaviors as your parent, so it might be best to not have her in your life.
You mentioned a wonderful husband and great friends. You have a FOC right there. It's hard wondering what an alternate reality might be like, one where your parents were kind or your sister supported you, but often it leads to forgetting what you have in reality which sounds like a great FOC. Focus on the relationships you do have, do the inner work so you can deal with the past and not let it hold you back.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Fortuna.  I have since deleted my Facebook account.  Your description of Facebook is so accurate.  I mean there is even a saying about comparison being the thief of joy and it is so true.  I think with my sister there is something there programmed in me for me to feel a little negative around her.  I just simply don't get this way with anyone else and I really think its something to do with our GC/SG roles. 

However I am feeling better and have been doing a ton of stuff to work through this.  I am sort of getting to the point where I don't care as much about what my FOO think of me.  I am starting to get to the point where I am happy with parts of my life and if they mock my life I don't really get it because it doesn't mean anything.  If I am happy with my life, their opinion doesn't really matter.  I'm not being overly articulate about it but there is something new there which is good.

I also am realising that if I continue to stay stuck in the anger I am only hurting myself.  The actual incidents happened ages ago and although I don't think of them all the time and I am probably focusing on them more at the moment due to the NC, I am really starting to appreciate the fact that I have to let it go.  I just feel done with being angry about it, I really want to let it go.  I have been doing meditations each night and I will continue with this.  I haven't fully let go but I've started letting go a little and that's a good step forward.