Hello - so grateful to be here!

Started by DesertRose, February 09, 2021, 01:33:02 PM

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DesertRose

Hi everyone, I somehow came across this forum while researching how to interact with my PD in laws and was enlightened by the article on Medium Chill. I learned so much from that article and was really drawn to this community. 

To I've now known my PD in laws for over 10 years and it's taken most of that time for me to recognise their dysfunction. During part of this time, I was dating DH long distance and as such did not fully see (or foresee) the high conflict nature of his mother's and sister's interaction with people in general (and especially, as it now turns out, with me).  DH and i are now married and have small children and live closer to his family than we do to mine.

I'm looking for ways to modify my behaviours when interacting with them. I tried (and tried and tried) to give them the benefit of the doubt and hoped (against hope) that I could have normal relationships with MIL and SIL for years. I tried to keep "pressing restart" and to just keep acting normal around them and keep forgiving in the hopes that things would get better. My own FOO is dysfunctional. My dad tended to be rage-filled and manipulative and my mom was codependent with ADD. Having said that, my family system was not nearly as rigid as my husband's FOO and my parents were able to empathise more frequently, to eventually accept my having different opinions as an adult. Still, I tend to be a self-sacrificing, overly subjugated type of person under who is afraid of conflict and afraid of making people angry. This set me up for huge challenges with my SIL (especially) and my MIL. My typical mode of dealing with high conflict ppl prior to marriage was avoidance. I would have quickly moved on from a controlling and manipulative drama filled person such as SIL. I would have been distant but polite with someone like MIL. But having them as in laws made things so much trickier. My first instincts were that they were fake, manipulative, insincere. And yet when I raised various issues with DH, he would say "oh that's just cultural differences" and "it may have been a simple misunderstanding" or "they didn't realise, they didn't know" or "just give them the benefit of the doubt". This gaslighted me into continuing to try and try for years, thinking I could be part of the problem. DH has had issues with SIL at times, and I see that MIL has absolutely trained him to give SIL what they call "the benefit of the doubt" even when it requires mental backflips and is essentially denial. DH's role in his family is basically to keep everyone happy. When he married me, SIL (especially) hated that she got less attention from him and hates me (to this day). The hard part has been that DH struggled for years thinking he must keep everyone equally happy instead of putting his marriage first - and he would absolutely put our marriage second or equal at times when he feared something would upset his FOO. DH would even gaslight me intentionally in order to get me to cooperate with the wishes of his FOO. He didn't have any wishes of his own most of the time. He didn't even dare to have his own wishes when it came to interacting with family. He would simply step into his role of giving his MIL and SIL what they wanted. We have been attending couples counselling and DH has begun to see these issues and is willing to work on things but we still have a long way to go. In the meantime, while I'm not in a position to simply cut off MIL and SIL, I am seeing to learn how to interact with them in a way that minimises the impact of their abuses and is loving towards myself. I am completely done giving them "the benefit of the doubt" because there is no more doubt.

bloomie

Hi DesertRose - we have connected over on the in law board, but I wanted to give an official welcome and hello to you. Oh boy, can I relate to the scenarios you describe and I can't say enough how thankful I am that you and your DH have a neutral 3rd party in real life to work through these very difficult issues with.

I am also so thankful you have joined us here and have already found the forum content helpful. See you over on the in law boards!
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.