Daughter of a nMother - How Do I Get Over The Fear?

[HippoDisco]

I am the daughter of an nMother. We have been no/extremely low contact for 7 years. She lives in another country (thank God!).

I need help and with the wonderful responses I've had to my MIL post I get the impression I could be in no better place - yes, nMother I escaped from and now nMIL. You couldn't make it up.

My biggest challenge in my adult life has been unsurprisingly, dealing with the scars mother left me with. One of the most prominent, is how scared I am of how people will react if I assert boundaries - oddly, when growing up with mother I had no problem giving her an earful - raging raucous arguments! But somewhere along the way, I know I lost my spark and taught myself it was easier to comply and not argue with her (she still behaved unreasonably and flew into rages, surprise, surprise).

So here I am now, 30-years-old, terrified of people, confrontation and having repeatedly squashed down any self-respect or desires to be treated in a certain way, in order to keep others happy and avoid being raged at. I totally recognise that. The trouble is, inside, the real me feels so trapped, the person who is confident in the right company, who has learned to love herself, just wants out of this prison. I want to be able to put toxic people like this back in their place, or just people in general when I don't like how they're treating me!

How, folks? Has anyone had to deal with this and made it past it? Or am I doomed to be this meek, afraid, 'reserved' person forever?

[Andeza]

Mine was uBPD, and now we're seeing some of the same behaviors and issues cropping up in MIL as she ages. Really gives you the old out of the frying pan into the fire feeling, doesn't it?

What happens if you don't put up boundaries? Short answer is usually that you end up dealing with behavior that is disrespectful, or unkind, or just thoughtless. So, while those behaviors from people in general are not what I'd call ideal, it's more the habit of not saying anything when it bothers you that causes the disconnect between who you want to be and the way you're actually reacting. For instance, if I had a trucker (I worked with them so I'll draw on that) get up in my face about certain rules that have to be followed while on company property, I had two options concerning my response. I could tap into my inner hot temper, which for the vast majority of the time lies happily dormant, and use that fire to bolster myself and say it'll be this way or you are welcome to leave. Or, I could shrink back, not speak up, and then just let whatever was going to happen, happen-which I never did.

So you are not doomed to stay this way. The beginning of the path lies in being true to the real you; and in giving yourself, first and foremost, the respect you deserve. You've got to get your self-respect back. That may look like standing in front of the mirror every morning repeating "I am worthy of respect. I am a good, and kind person, and I only ask for that in return. I am strong."

We all start somewhere. I have fire, but I had to light it and use it to get here. You can too. And age is not that big of a deal, trust me. Don't feel like you're running behind, because we all have our journey at our own pace.

Don't fear the rage. The rage of others is their problem. They are responsible for their own emotions, not you. You are only responsible for yourself, and so long as you speak with the respect that you also demand, they have no solid ground for their anger.

[Jolie40]

Or am I doomed to be this meek, afraid, 'reserved' person forever?

was very quiet, hardly spoke as a child & even when first married

once I became a parent, "mama bear" was unleashed
don't get me wrong, I'm still very much an introvert but I have found myself speaking up more....for my child, other children, and also for myself

the protectiveness one feels once a parent....one just can't stand by in some instances

[SparkStillLit]

Well...I left my home, was briefly independent, then married a pd rager. I still hate confontation and am very very bad at standing up for MYSELF, but I utterly loathe injustice to others around me, and I will stand up for THEM. Also for my children. Weird, no?

[HippoDisco]

Thank you all for your replies ... @Andeza, your very thoughtful points are so insightful. They make me think. And the idea that I need to remove the responsibility I feel for others' emotions is definitely something I need to fully explore and come to terms with.

Interesting also that a couple have mentioned parenthood strengthening their assertiveness - for some reason I've always thought it would for me too, so perhaps I'll see improvement when the day comes.

When I think about what I'm afraid of, I think it's also the loss of control over my own emotions when asserting myself. Does anyone else feel that way?

[BefuddledClarity]

A lot of what you wrote I can relate to.

I call out my family whom I am VLC/NC with. My parents don't talk to me, and they don't like what I say when I defend myself. They're not as angry anymore and just ignore what I say.

Though now, the person I have to deal with who rages is my partner. I used to be quiet and reserved, never said anything to keep the peace. Same with my in-laws, my FiL is a raging alcoholic and my stepMiL, MiL, and SiL can be quite rude.


I'm not sure what changed, but after bottling up for SO long, I exploded on my partner and don't take his crap anymore. If he says something,I always defend myself. As for in-laws, I just ignore them because their opinions don't matter to me---unless they're trying to do something to my son, which I step in and call them out.

I guess...actually, I think my son is the reason I became more abrasive and stand up for myself. I don't want him to be stepped all over like I used to be, and I defend him too from any ridiculousness my in-laws try to impose on him.

I'm just tired of being used and angry about it.

[athene1399]

For me, I think working on internal validation helped. My FOO often didn't validate me or told me my feelings were wrong. I have been working on learning to trust myself and my instincts.

I also often lost control when being emotional. Focusing on mindfulness and thinking before reacting has been helpful as well. I think just being in a better place and being low contact with my FOO has helped as well.