The perfect stranger

[feelingandhealing]

First, let me begin by saying my post is not regarding an LGBT partner who suffers from a PD so this post may fit elsewhere on some other board. I am a 56-year-old adult child of a uNPD mother and a father who was gay. My parents separated in 1969 when I was five and were divorced shortly after. I was raised by my uNPDM. I am the youngest of two children and have been far more enmeshed with uNPDM, as compared with my sibling, as a result of continuing to live in the same small city as uNPDM.

uNPDM was extremely ashamed that Dad was gay and she received no support from her uNPDM or sibling regarding the breakup of the marriage. uNPDM pushed that shame down on to me and I beared the shame growing up. To uNPDM, homosexuality was evil (eg the TV show SOAP was not allowed to be watched in our household because there was a gay character in the series). That was not how I felt and is certainly not how I feel as an adult, but it was how I was made to feel and believe as a child. uNPDM also had an extreme fear that my sibling or I would also be gay. uNPDM was and is very bent and twisted with her thinking! I have deeply rooted anger and resentment that uNPDM had those views and pushed the shame down onto me.

I never knew my Dad or anyone from my Dad's family. He didn't come around much (or at all really) after the divorce and as a young adult, I did not ever reach out to him. And after the divorce, uNPDM cut off all communications with his family. When AIDS came to the public's attention in the early 1980s, one of my greatest fears was that my Dad would die from AIDS. He died from the disease in 1989 and at the time, he was roughly the age that I am now. I still had shame at the time he died. When I learned of his death, I remember telling my roommate what had happened and I asked my roommate if he wanted me to leave and take up residency somewhere else. I was 24 at the time.

In the mid-90s, I re-connected with one of my paternal uncles (who was my Dad's oldest brother) in an attempt to get to know my Dad. And for about ten years, DW and I regularly visited with my uncle and aunt. I was extremely proud to have them attend our wedding and to represent my Dad's family at our wedding. I didn't actually learn much about my Dad from my uncle and over time the casual relationship I had with him fizzled out. Now, all of my Dad's siblings have passed away except for the youngest. He was 15 years younger than my Dad and I believe they didn't have much of a relationship.  My Dad's long-time partner is also now deceased.

I have now been NC with uNPDM for six months. As part of my healing journey to address the narcissistic  trauma, I also want to be at peace with my Dad. After all, he is part of me and I am part of him. I'd like to understand who he was and what life would have been like for him as a gay person living in the 60s, 70s and 80s. The only way I can describe him right now is "the perfect stranger".

I have come across a couple of books that could be a good starting point for me. They are: How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages by Judith E. Snow and Let's Get This Straight: The Ultimate Handbook for Youth with LGBTQ Parents by Tina Fakhrid-Deen. If anyone has other book recommendations or recommendations regarding other related resources, please let me know.  Lastly, if anyone has a similar experience to mine, please let me know how you healed your wound.

[Spring Butterfly]

Hopefully someone here on this forum can point you to helpful resources

We did move your post to another forum as the other one gets very little traffic. I have no book recommendation personally to offer But I am replying so that your post hits the top of the forum on dealing with parents since the PD involved was a parent.

Also there may be some info in the book review board

[looloo]

It's possible that PFLAG may know of some groups.  I bet that you are not the only one in your age range with a history like yours.

[Leonor]

Hi Feelingandhealing,

I am so sorry to read about how your family's legacy of shame has wounded you so deeply.

I do not have a gay parent, but I was abandoned by my alcoholic father, who died of alcoholism in his mid-50s.

I also worked with an AIDS volunteer organization in the 1990s. I did housework, ran errands, cleaned apartments and walked pets for men in the later stages of the disease.

I just wanted to affirm for you that the clients I worked for were really at the forefront of the gay rights movement. But the front itself wasn't like an exciting, life-affirming movement. It was more like a terrifying vortex of secrets and panic.

Today, I can look back and understand that my father was depressed in a time when men dealt with depression by drinking. And it killed him.

I can also understand that AIDS is a horrific disease that frankly makes COVID look like a case of the sniffles and that the activists were truly risking their livelihood, friends and family in disclosing their diagnosis.

But that knowledge does not "excuse" or "make up for" bringing a precious child into this world to abandon them, nor to heave a sick sludge of shame and disgust all over them.

We all have issues, and some of our issues are hugely and excruciatingly unfair. But they are our issues. From time immemorial there have also been adults who lived in the most awful places, through the most awful things, and had a moral compass and lived in compassion and raised and protected innocent little children.

I wish you much healing on your journey of discovery and recovery.

[Amadahy]

I don't have any resources, just a big hug. 

[JoJo]

We all have issues, and some of our issues are hugely and excruciatingly unfair. But they are our issues. From time immemorial there have also been adults who lived in the most awful places, through the most awful things, and had a moral compass and lived in compassion and raised and protected innocent little children.

Wow. Just wanted to hop on and say how very much your post meant to me, Leonor. My Nfather had a difficult past, which often raises guilt for me, particularly because to my mother, you must put yourself in the path of danger, you simply must endure him, because he has this pain in his past. In other words, everyone comes second after him because of the greatness of his need.

Feelingandhealing, it sounds to me that you are on the right path for healing. I really gained something from reading your post.

I am sending you tons of compassion.

[feelingandhealing]

This is a quick note of thanks for the following:
- moving my post (in order to potentially draw more responses which it has)
- the ideas that have since been posted
- the support and compassion that you have all shared
Thanks for aiding me along my healing journey 

And I wish to mention the book I referred to in the initial post, Let's Get This Straight..., has lead me to a wonderful organization called Colage. I am finding some excellent resources through them.

I send compassion and positive energy to all of you 

[feelingandhealing]

I came across the following quote today within an article written by Claudia Sinay-Mosias. The quote resonated with me and I wish to share it with everyone who has replied to this thread as well as any future readers of the thread.

"narcissism is born of fear and fear blocks the rays of love from entering one's life. I think narcissistic abuse has made me a better lover – of life, of others and of myself. I've learned that we are here to learn, grow and discover who we really are. My narcissistic parents, knowingly or unknowingly, helped me do that. For that I forgive them and feel grateful."

Here is a shout out to all of us who are learning, growing and discovering who we really are. May we give ourselves the compassion we need to process and heal from our wounds.