She's "transitioning" in hospice

[alphaomega]

Received a call from the hospice nurse that my NPDM is "transitioning".

She has stopped eating and drinking and is, unconscious.

They asked me if I wanted to come, but I dont.
I really do not want to go.

I am a thousand miles away currently on sabbatical and cant bear the thought of having to watch her die.

I have had 35 prior death "dress rehearsals" and I just can not do it another time.

Even if this is finally it.

I just cant.

[Duck]

I think your feelings and choice are 100% logical and acceptable. Much love to you.

[Andeza]

In this situation, the only thing you really have the power to do is continue to protect yourself. Going would change nothing for her, and probably only make you miserable.

We've got your back, and we'll be here come what may.

[Hepatica]

I'm so sorry. I can imagine how hard this is. I wonder if you can do something like a ceremony for yourself now.

For me, I would not go. I am not comfortable with Covid still around, and I'm not vaccinated, so not at all comfortable to fly and that would be enough of a reason to say I won't be coming - even if I had to fib and say I've got flu symptoms.

In any case, you don't have to go. And that is totally okay.

[makingachange]

I'm so sorry you are going through this...but, I want you to know that we all support you in any choice you make.  I feel that not going may be best for you...but, you have to just trust your gut on this.  <3

Sending you love, hugs, and good vibes!!! 

[SunnyMeadow]

Yes, we do have your back alphaomega. You do what's best for you! I also think it's 100% acceptable to stay away.

Thinking of you.

[Amadahy]

We're with you, alphaomega.  I wish you (and her) deep peace.  xoxo

[Hilltop]

You know what is best for you.  We're here for you.  Sending love your way, its tough.

Just do what is right for you.

[Ladymm]

Someone once wrote to me on this forum that our feelings are there for a reason and I found it a good advice, so I wanted to share that. I might just be in your situation some day and I hope I will not go - I know I wouldn't want to. I suppose you learnt in your life how to keep the obscure introjected forces of the FOG at bay, so use that golden knowledge perhaps once more.

[daughter]

Separate the "you should go" convention, and honor the "no way will I go" sensation-response you feel.

My malevolent parents are quite old. That said, they've nonetheless behaved horribly towards me, both as child and adult, to point no relationship, nor emotional bond, exists.  I won't go, if/when such a call reaches me. I've done the mourning prematurely.  My parents don't exist to me other than potential harm, given their deceit and disdain, messaged via my impressionable and emotionally-vulnerable (aspergers) oldest child, their unaware proxy.

Please keep posting for support here.

[SparkStillLit]

Sending love and strength to you, however you choose. You've got it handled.

[Sneezy]

Your mother is unconscious.  So the only reason to go is if it means something for *you* to be there.  Which is sounds like it doesn't.  Honor your feelings at this point, your mother will not know the difference.  And honestly, this isn't the best or safest time to travel, so why take an unnecessary risk for something you truly don't want to do?

Sending you hugs and good thoughts 

[alphaomega]

Five days without food, without water, and she is STILL alive.

How can this even be

My God, when will this Reign of Terror be over, once and for all, so that I can try to reclaim what is left of my life on this earth...

I cant even believe this.

[Ladymm]

Alphaomega,

I am sorry you have to experience these difficult moments. I also have this or me or her walk this planet. Like a malevolent force, an evil eye. I think God exist nonetheless, even if he seems absent sometimes, I think he is dissociated from these negative figures, and I think we can open the door for good. The rest of your life will surely have a new quality to it, and an unprecedented space will open for you. Even there from that hospice bed in reality she can't hurt you no more.

[Hepatica]

alpha, if it helps, we are all here for you. Some people cannot let go and pass. My friend went thru it with her mother recently and she was praying for her mother to just let go. She did, but the wait was very hard on my friend.

It will happen... but for now, know that we are all listening and we understand how painful it is for you.

Both of you will be free soon.

[SunnyMeadow]

Five days without food, without water, and she is STILL alive.

How can this even be

My God, when will this Reign of Terror be over, once and for all, so that I can try to reclaim what is left of my life on this earth...

I cant even believe this.

I feel every sentence you've written, the waiting is exasperating!

I can't wait until you're free! You will reclaim your life and I will be waiting to read your posts full of relief and calm.

[moglow]

Alphaomega, we're here with you. Find and hold on to your peace, know that you've done what's best for yourself finally. Her reign IS over, you can step into your own when you're ready.

[Andeza]

You will have peace. Even if her dying breaths fight it and rail against it, but you will have peace. It is done, whether she has accepted it yet or not.

We'll keep checking in on you, praying for you if you like as well.

[alphaomega]

Its over.

I dont how or what I'm feeling right now.

I have dedicated 51 years to her.  Always her.  And I dont know what to do with the empty spaces now in my head that she isn't occupying.

When I received the call last night, I wailed like a feral cat.   My husband just sat there and held space for me to howl and hiss and vomit tears from the depths of my soul.
It was a gutteral, primal scream that came up from every cell in my being.

I still dont believe its over.  I have waited my whole life for this to be over.  I cant believe its finally over.

I feel rudderless.

My internal compass only ever pointed in her direction. 

The agony she caused while on this earth for 87 years goes so far and so deep.

Part of me feels relief, even if I dont know what that even feels like in regards to her.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

[moglow]

I'm sorry, Alphaomega. It's going to be a big adjustment, and I think you're going to be better than you ever imagined. Let peace and quiet flow through you and just sit with that when you can.
We're here with you, always.