Ive not been feeling right

[foggydude]

For over 4 months since the breakup w my suspected unBPD/NPD ex. Ive been working hard w cbt, gestault, coach, internet, YouTube, reading, writing, inner child work, family of origin, support lines, ACA 12 step and really had near no relief.. The suffering is unbearable most if the time
My ex was calling me and I rejected all calls.
Then she started reaching out to my friends. Eventually, I took the bait and have been talking with her again. I feel better. A lot better. Idk if we will work it out, but I feel relief. Like the pressure cooker relief value is open.
Now that communication is open, I know I'm vulnerable. I know I will have firm boundaries going in if it gets that far.
At least I didn't cave and elect to fawn everything she wants. I have to hold firm amd I will. I doubt she'll be able to handle it.
Maybe I am just delaying the inevitable, but I seriously needed relief and I got it.
She is away and I am leaving soon too so seeing each other is probably out until April.
Thought? Criticism is also welcomed.

[notrightinthehead]

Just continue working with yourself.  Learn to be aware of your feelings and give yourself time before deciding on anything. Make decisions only after you have considered all aspects carefully. Be kind and patient with yourself. 

[BettyGray]

Foggydude -

Time apart right now (until April) sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Distance is a good time for you to focus on yourself, away from her presence, without extra noise. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the mind grow clearer.

I haven’t read all of your other posts so I am not entirely up to speed on your situation. From what I have read, it seems this is a toxic relationship.  Your working on yourself is right where you need to be, so keep it up. Sometimes the silver lining with difficult relationships is we learn more about ourselves, grow, and can more easily make sense of the trauma.

CBT is good for certain things, and it is good you haven’t  put all of your eggs in that one basket. What works for each of us is highly personal. I did CBT. for several years, which helped to a point. It helped my intellectual understanding but didn’t heal the trauma. Unfortunately, I did not learn that until i went through severe trauma again. I thought I had gotten over some major issues, that I was good. And in my head, I had. I had educated myself, read books, done therapy twice a week (back when employer insurance covered mental health - those were the days), journaled - all positive steps.

Not until I had taken a therapy break for awhile, felt compelled to get back in (even though  I couldn’t always afford it), and found a therapist experienced in childhood trauma, did I fully understand how bad it actually was (FOO). She helped me understand C-PTSD, neurological rewiring  related to  trauma, the ACE test (adverse childhood experiences - free online), and how trauma is stored in our bodies. We can’t talk or think or will trauma away.

I was having marital problems and  going through  FOO hell all at once. I could resolve the latter (my DH isn’t PD, but has fleas, his own childhood trauma and codependency issues), because we love each other and he was willing to do the work.

I could not solve -or even manage any longer - issues with a family full of PDs. I am NC.m 5years and I am healthier for it.

The only advice I can offer besides what notright has is:

- Ask yourself if you think she is capable of changing. Not what you want to be true, but what is true.

-Pay attention to your needs. Codependents have a difficult time with this. We are taught our needs are selfish and that others needs or wants always come first. This is also a convenient way for CDs to avoid their own pain, which works for awhile, but ultimately that pain must be faced. If it isn’t, we will continue to throw ourselves into dangerous, unstable and wholly unfulfilling situations.

- When speaking with her about your issues as a couple, ask what she needs from you and tell her what you need from her. Make it clear what you will and will not tolerate. If she is unwilling to meet you halfway (and not just tell you what you want to hear, all the while not changing or making good on promises), then staying may bring more - and harsher - pain in the future.

- Understanding why we are attracted to people who bring us pain is also important. Imago therapy helped my marriage immensely. Read the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Very eye opening.

This is hard stuff. It takes courage. Pat yourself on the back for your progress and try not to beat yourself up when you feel down, weak, or confused. Make sure you’re not trying to “fix” her.  It’s not your job to fix her, only to fix yourself. She has to want to help herself, in order to help the relationship. It’s a two way street. Both have to be willing to trust the other and clasp hands toward the same goal - a healthy love life, compassionate friendship, and commitment to getting healthy.

[IcedCoffee]

Sounds like now might be a good time to encourage her into therapy. Normally that would result in bigtime anger, but now so what? A couple of months of therapy might get her a tiny amount of insight but enough for a better start.

[foggydude]

Sounds like now might be a good time to encourage her into therapy. Normally that would result in bigtime anger, but now so what? A couple of months of therapy might get her a tiny amount of insight but enough for a better start.

I brought it up but she already has a therapist for 6 years. When we were together, it turned into couples therapy so she had none. Imago therapy is all about validation and theres not much accountability.

But yes, she needs therapy. My cbt phd said if she shows bpd traits, they also come with a superiority complex and they're never wrong. She actually feels she is right 98%.
Therefore they have no awareness of any disorder. This is why they take no responsibility

[foggydude]

Foggydude -

Time apart right now (until April) sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Distance is a good time for you to focus on yourself, away from her presence, without extra noise. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the mind grow clearer.

I haven't read all of your other posts so I am not entirely up to speed on your situation. From what I have read, it seems this is a toxic relationship.  Your working on yourself is right where you need to be, so keep it up. Sometimes the silver lining with difficult relationships is we learn more about ourselves, grow, and can more easily make sense of the trauma.

CBT is good for certain things, and it is good you haven't  put all of your eggs in that one basket. What works for each of us is highly personal. I did CBT. for several years, which helped to a point. It helped my intellectual understanding but didn't heal the trauma. Unfortunately, I did not learn that until i went through severe trauma again. I thought I had gotten over some major issues, that I was good. And in my head, I had. I had educated myself, read books, done therapy twice a week (back when employer insurance covered mental health - those were the days), journaled - all positive steps.

Not until I had taken a therapy break for awhile, felt compelled to get back in (even though  I couldn't always afford it), and found a therapist experienced in childhood trauma, did I fully understand how bad it actually was (FOO). She helped me understand C-PTSD, neurological rewiring  related to  trauma, the ACE test (adverse childhood experiences - free online), and how trauma is stored in our bodies. We can't talk or think or will trauma away.

I was having marital problems and  going through  FOO hell all at once. I could resolve the latter (my DH isn't PD, but has fleas, his own childhood trauma and codependency issues), because we love each other and he was willing to do the work.

I could not solve -or even manage any longer - issues with a family full of PDs. I am NC.m 5years and I am healthier for it.

The only advice I can offer besides what notright has is:

- Ask yourself if you think she is capable of changing. Not what you want to be true, but what is true.

-Pay attention to your needs. Codependents have a difficult time with this. We are taught our needs are selfish and that others needs or wants always come first. This is also a convenient way for CDs to avoid their own pain, which works for awhile, but ultimately that pain must be faced. If it isn't, we will continue to throw ourselves into dangerous, unstable and wholly unfulfilling situations.

- When speaking with her about your issues as a couple, ask what she needs from you and tell her what you need from her. Make it clear what you will and will not tolerate. If she is unwilling to meet you halfway (and not just tell you what you want to hear, all the while not changing or making good on promises), then staying may bring more - and harsher - pain in the future.

- Understanding why we are attracted to people who bring us pain is also important. Imago therapy helped my marriage immensely. Read the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Very eye opening.

This is hard stuff. It takes courage. Pat yourself on the back for your progress and try not to beat yourself up when you feel down, weak, or confused. Make sure you're not trying to "fix" her.  It's not your job to fix her, only to fix yourself. She has to want to help herself, in order to help the relationship. It's a two way street. Both have to be willing to trust the other and clasp hands toward the same goal - a healthy love life, compassionate friendship, and commitment to getting healthy.

This is great Liz. Thank you so much for this effort. I did Imago w her and found it good but not all that. Maybe because I believe she is pd and ur husband is not?

Ive reread your post 2x and will continue to do so so it really sinks in.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggy dude,

I was reading a article that might also be of interest to you.
It talks about trauma bonding and why break ups with PDs are SO traumatic. Definitely not normal.

Good on you for all your very hard work on healing and building boundaries. You deserve good things 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims

I think you might really like this article.

And no pressure on whatever you decide to do with your relationship. This decision is yours to make. Just know that you have support here on this forum whenever you need it 

[foggydude]

Great article and vid. Ty. Good to know there is strong biological for my struggle beyond just childhood traumas. So powerful.   Emotional gravity like powerful

[Codeep]

I understand.  I had periods away from my H and it was really painful.  I wish I had lived I different life but chose to stay with him.  He's a very sick person/not a good partner.  I made my bed and I'm lying in it.  You might just deserve more.  I know I do.  Why does it have to be so hard to chose a different path.  I feel for you!

[foggydude]

I understand.  I had periods away from my H and it was really painful.  I wish I had lived I different life but chose to stay with him.  He's a very sick person/not a good partner.  I made my bed and I'm lying in it.  You might just deserve more.  I know I do.  Why does it have to be so hard to chose a different path.  I feel for you!

Ty codeep....so u r remaining in unhappiness and confirming what I ultimately dont want. Suffering. Ty