Mum has been in hospital and feeling the pressure

[Peace Lily]

Since 2017 I have been VVLC with my parents. At first I was just unable to see them, phone them orbwrite to them as I was in a state and needed time to heal. Then I was afraid of the hoovering (still am) and wanting to hold my boundaries. I have been in email contact since sometime in 2018 and saw them once pre pandemic.

However, I told myself I'd be there for them in their old age and they have become frail. I have phoned them a few times since the pandemic struck to make sure they were ok. Then I went to see them before the second lockdown and took them for their vaccines a few weeks ago. (Following one of those "oh woe is me!" Emails I'm sure you are familiar with).

I am wanting to keep things as they are, but today I've received another email from my Mum full of more woe and a blow by blow account of 2 emergency hospital visits. So now I feel I should have phoned them, emailed them, kept in contact. But then I think I am being drawn in and really I can't go back there. The hurt and the pain- the time and work I have done to heal. My recovery is so precious to me. Now I'm wondering,  should I offer to form a support bubble? Am I a horrible heartless person to keep standing back and let them deal with their health emergencies?  How do I tell which are the real emergencies when my mother is prone to exaggeration manipulation and lies?

They have been lovely to me when I have seen them and so grateful I took them for their vaccines. I just have to ignore the herd of elephants in the room ( the other family members Lol).
Well I don't know what you can say about all this, but just having a wobbly moment and needed to say this in a forum where others understand. Thank you for reading.

[SunnyMeadow]

Peace Lily, like you - I am very familiar with the Woe is Me!! My uNPD mother's life is filled with it. Every hospital situation is a long drawn out and highly dramatic event. She even used to write book-length emails to copy/paste to anyone she thought would offer her sympathy. I don't think she still does this because there's no one left who cares or gets involved.

Even though you told yourself you'd be there for their old age, thankfully you don't have to. I have the guilt of 'I should have phoned and emailed' too. This is our programming and mine still comes out full force. I don't know if you should offer support. But I do know that I don't expect my children to help me in any way. They aren't trained for it and they have their own lives to live.

You took them for their vaccines which is nice but since you're feeling wobbly and wanting to protect your recovery; I'd put some serious thought into doing much more. Sounds like your body is throwing out some red flags. Always listen to your anxiety and reactions then protect yourself. Maybe that means you're back to V.V.LC and ignore your mom's emails for a while. This stuff is difficult and I struggle with having elderly, unhealthy parents too.

[Peace Lily]

Oh Sunny Meadow, thank you for your comment. It's so reassuring that you get this situation. Y mother only has 2 topics of conversation - illness and supermarkets- I prefer the latter. I thought I'd NEVER be able  to cope with the monologuing again, but after the counselling and healing I find I can. A meeting with them now seems fine as long as no one mentions the elephants - a mention of any other family member and my Mum if off verbally attacking the people I love 😔 . I find that I can't trust my parents however, as I can never know when they will turn on me. I understand my mother's own traumatic childhood, which helps me in supporting her, but I need to keep as vvlc as I possibly can to preserve my own sanity.

You are right, I need to listen to my emotions - they are my compass. All best wishes to you on your journey Out of the FOG xxx

[Boat Babe]

Illness and supermarkets. That is my mother. Makes for diverting monologues, although to be fair she's happy to my input on supermarkets.  Like you Peace Lily, supermarkets are infinitely preferable to the "organ recital". And I loathe shopping with a vengeance!!!

[Peace Lily]

Oh the monologuing has got me so angry in the past! She hardly draws breath, and if I do manage to say something, the response is ".. as I was am saying... "and then on and on ...🥺. I am ignored! It is so utterly boring as she has nothing interesting to say and yet plenty to say! I feel many of my issues come from years of being treated as if everything I have to say is uninteresting and a waste of time.

[Boat Babe]

It's so dysfunctional.

[samtosha]

Even though you told yourself you'd be there for their old age, thankfully you don't have to. I have the guilt of 'I should have phoned and emailed' too. This is our programming and mine still comes out full force. I don't know if you should offer support. But I do know that I don't expect my children to help me in any way. They aren't trained for it and they have their own lives to live.

So true! And what is the "woe is me" really about? Whatever we may do for them will not stop those complaints. EVER.

I've also realized I don't feel emotionally safe around uPDM and I'm having to protect myself by staying away, mostly, or doing very small, brief favors occasionally. I sometimes feel like I'm so hard-hearted and cruel, but it's the programming, definitely. Keep working on it, listen to your emotions, you're doing great. 

[lkdrymom]

Please do not get sucked back in.  Before you know it they will be the focal point of your life.  I know you want to help out and if it would just end there it would all be fine but as you know it won't.  They are completely focused on their needs and how they will be met.  You will become an instrument in seeing that their needs and then wants will be met and they will not care one iota about you and your needs.  Please keep your distance. Maybe find things you can do by phone and not in person.  Keep your guard up.