An other flashback

[Maxtrem]

I had a flashback of my youth today, a forgotten memory, again it was during a not very busy day at work. I had failed a mini math test and my uBPD/Nm had found out. She fell in a rage and denigrated me and then the phone rang and it was her cousin. My mother told her come I have to talk to you, I'm going to kill him, he's a lost cause, a liar, a lazy person, etc.

Her cousin came, they spent the day together, my mother mentioned my death several times, that I was a loser, a lost cause. She even mentioned that if she killed me all the neighbors would say on the news that I was so nice and helpful, but that in fact no one would understand that she was the victim           

What I can't understand is why her cousin didn't call the police? If I heard someone talking about killing her child, I would automatically call the police, I would report it, it's obviously someone who is unfit to be a parent. The strange thing is that I had forgotten this memory even though I was 15 years old, I wasn't that young...   

[Boat Babe]

Hey Max, that is just so horrible. I just can't wrap my head around that type of behaviour in anyone, let alone a mother to her child. PDs ....... *sighs

I don't know why memories pop up like they do. Some unconscious domino effect linked to a random experience or the psyche releasing it because you can handle it. I really don't know, but I do know that no child deserves that and I am angry on your behalf.

I hope you can breathe through it and sit with any feelings that arise, honoring yourself at all times. 

[Lisa]

What an awful memory to suddenly remember.  I hope you were able to take some time to recoup after that, take good care of yourself, rest, give yourself comfort, do something that makes you feel good!

[Hepatica]

Maxtrem, wow. You've survived some really challenging stuff. You're not alone. I sometimes think that my mother didn't think of her children as true living things. She could say what ever she wanted to us and maybe she thought we'd, to her favour, forget, or maybe she thought we'd go, "oh mom didn't mean that, she was just mad..."

But many of the scenes are etched in my mind, of what she said to me, my father and my especially my sister.

Words matter. We are sensitive organisms, more than many of us realize. We grow best in care and concern and love.

It makes me angry that your mother did that to you. What an awful, terrible, terrifying thing to say, revealing that she had no conscience. How scary it would be to understand implicitly that you were living with someone who had no conscience and made references for you to hear about killing you. It's horrendous.

Now you're here and you are recovering and I am certain that we can be very resilient after these kinds of childhoods, although I am sure I for one, walk with a mental limp.

I'm really sorry so much of this is coming up for you but I do think it is some kind of psychic release and will give you more compassion toward yourself, righting those wrongs.

[Boat Babe]

Hepatica, who walks with a mental limp. What a great image, that I actually see as empowering and triumphant.

My metaphor is that of the wound and the scar. The work we do heals those wounds until all we are left with is scars. But scars are ok. It's the wounds that are painful and dangerous. The scars are just a record of the past nothing else.