How did I end up with a NPDH

[Wifeofnpdh]

Hello, I have been pondering this lately...what was it about me that attracted my NPDH? Is there some personality trait I possess that attracts NPD individuals?

[Cascade]

I have asked myself the same question. I think they are attracted to empathetic people pleasers. In my case, add in the fact that I was naive and inexperienced, which made me an easy target.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! In my case what Cascade said - empathetic people pleaser - , care taker,  and other strong Co-dependency traits.

[Wifeofnpdh]

It is interesting, I am definitely a care-taker, fixer type of person, but at 45 don't see myself that concerned about what people think, but maybe when we met (I was 23) I wanted to please others...self-awareness is so important. Thanks for sharing.

[Pepin]

I agree with all of these.  I would also urge you to investigate how he was raised and that environment.  What role or roles did he have and is he still required to follow through with those?  I don't see my DH as a total N but he does have some heavy fleas at times.  It has taken me a long time to understand why he behaves the way that he does and what he went through to get there.  We are both people pleasers.  However, I snapped out of that after doing inner work and now it bothers me the way he behaves.  He likely was attracted to me because he knew I wouldn't ruffle any feathers.  That all changed though and now I ruffle feathers when I put our marriage and children first.  I think this has been difficult for him to accept and it boggles my mind the way that there are always new scenarios for me to evaluate and stamp out.  It is getting pretty exhausting.  His fuel is his mother.  She is not healthy for him.  And he knows that but has somehow gotten himself stuck between a rock and a hard place (guilt).  He wants to take it out on our marriage and kids rather than doing the inner work.  True Ns will never change.  It is only us that can change - or leave.

[Poison Ivy]

I wouldn't say this about other people, but I say about myself that I got married when I was "young and dumb." I'm also a caretaker and a people pleaser.

[Fae Greenwood]

I ended up with a NPDh because I was was trained by my mother from a young age that no man would ever want me and that negative behavior (hers) must always be tolerated and I must be "nice" no matter how I felt. She was, I later realized, setting me up to steal my life and left me vulnerable to another's attempt. I am responsible for where I am now but yeah, that's how it got started.

[Wifeofnpdh]

Thanks for your transparency and vulnerability.