I left. I know I have to go back....

[TooLiteral]

I did it. The moment came and I just threw some clothes, the dog, and the kiddo in the car and left. He gave me an ultimatum and I called his bluff.

Now I left knowing I have to go back. Our son is autistic. He needs his own bed, his own room, etc. but my mind is absolitely swimming right now. He's already love bombing. Already promising me he'll change. Making grand gestures like "I'm taking next week off. Let's go on vacation."

But when we've spoken on the phone, it's the same old shit. "I never crossed any lines," "I never hit you," "Look at all the amazing things I've done, not just the bad shit," and "you owe me some understanding."

No. No I don't. I don't owe him anything. I told him if he doesnt stop with those kinds of conversations, I will end them. I'm not dealing with him NOT taking responsibility anymore.

My ultimate goal is our divorce. I know he will never be different.

But sitting here in this hotel room is really hard. My PTSD nightmares are in full swing. I have been making my own arrangements. Got myself a banking account and a phone. I am busy making our joint accounts so that they can't be closed without both party's permission. I'm going to move into the spare bedroom at the house because I will not sleep with him in the same bed anymore. But the dread is palpable.

[Stillirise]

You have made some very courageous moves, even if you don't believe that yourself,  yet.  There may be difficult days ahead, but as I was often reminded, keep your eye on the prize.  Start with being crystal clear on what the prize truly means for you.  My prize is the safety and well-being of myself and my children.  It makes these tumultuous times, and tough decisions ahead a little easier, if that is your one and only decision making filter.

With lots of practice, and believe me, most PD's will provide you the practice, you can learn to let all that verbal garbage roll by, when it doesn't pass your filter. 

If/when you do go back, please take precautions so that you can leave again in an instant, if necessary.  I hid a bag, cash, and extra car keys in my particular situation.  Best wishes to you! We are here!

[Bunnyme]

The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft was recommended to me by several members here.  I didnt think I was "abused" per se, and made a lot of excuses for him.  The book is so spot on for my situation, and from what you've written, it may resonate with you as well.  It discusses how abusers will go right up to the line of what they think a real abuser is.  I thought of that immediately when you said he claimed to not have crossed the line. 
Have you spoken to an attorney?  I highly recommend a consult, even if you arent ready to file anything.  Things like who remains in the house matter, depending on your state.  Take precautions and follow your instincts. 

[Bunnyme]

Just checking to see how you are doing, tooliteral

[2nice]

I spent my first night in a motel with two little boys receiving text messages about him letting my dog out on the road.

I took it hour by hour, then day by day, then week by week. Then I lost track. Now it's 3.5 yrs later.

It's worth it.

I don't exist in a living hell and neither do my kids.

We still have ongoing coparenting issues ugh but hang on tight and keep going. First step the hardest

[TooLiteral]

Just checking to see how you are doing, tooliteral

I'm back. I can't say home, because this place doesn't feel like home anymore. It's been two weeks and everything is almost exactly the way it was; the guilt, the fear, the obligation. He has promised to never "rage" like he had before, but it hasnt stopped him from badgering me, wanting access to my every text and call, fighting about every little comment I make....

He still hasnt made an appointment for therapy and is talking about going off his meds again. I'm really tired.

[JustKeepTrying]

I feel that you could be me decades ago.  My OCPDxh was the same - promising not to rage - going right up the line and punching a wall instead of me - the emotional stuff and manipulation - all with two children who were disabled and one labeled gifted.  My youngest has autism (now 19) - another dyslexic.  When he was little he needed his own space and we relied on an army of therapists who worked with him all day long - I took the nights.  I was not able during that period to see what was going on - I didn't know that abuse could emotional - my father raged - didn't all men?

I want you to know that I am in awe of you for taking the step to separate/divorce.  to recognize what is going and protect yourself and your kids.  I regret not leaving sooner - believing that he would change with meds or therapy.

I am now out - have been for 1.5 years.  When I left after the last "Near physical abuse" rage, I did so in three days.  My emotions shut down, I to a lawyer and together we formed a plan.  I followed the advice on the link I am leaving here.  https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/. It helped with knowing what papers etc.  I know you are there but you will still find the info helpful as you move forward. 

As for your son needing his own space, every child with autism is different.  I know that mind was ok with leaving, vacations, etc.  My friend's kids with autism were not.  Consult with a lawyer and see if you can get your spouse to leave.  Or accept a few weeks of tantrums versus weeks of abuse.  Regardless, know that you are doing what is best for you and your family.

There is light and you are moving toward it.