The more things change, the more they stay the same - or do they?

[moglow]

... or until *we* change. Ugly ugly confrontation on the phone with my mother yesterday, her throwing yet more roadblocks into any communication: a while back she told me she'd rather I text because she's having trouble getting around and has cell phone with her. Then somehow since last summer she's not getting my texts yet continues to text me demanding to know why I'm not responding [this, after threatening to block me for saying things she doesn't like - and I have read receipts that show "delivered"]. When I call to follow up as she asked, she doesn't answer or return my calls at all until days later then she's all in a snit about it.

Latest is a text from her yesterday that I need to call her "at another time" because she's settling in for the day when I've called the last few times. Didn't tell me what time or when is good for her, just refused to answer the phone or call me back, then complained that I called at the wrong time. I asked what time is best, she got all in a huff and everything went straight into the septic tank from there. She started dredging up ancient painful history yet again, demanding to know why I said this or that, or what exactly was said some 10-15 years ago, blaming me for situations completely out of my bailiwick.

I could have dealt with the basic issue and honored her request had she not thrown in her usual mocking contempt, talking over me, sneering at whatever I had to say. But OMG the contempt in her voice, the sheer lack of any decency. It was bad, really bad. I actually had her on speaker phone at one point and recorded it to play back later. Nope. It didn't sound better or make any more sense when I replayed it. It just made me sick to my stomach.

But I tried. Several times actually. It culminated with a very direct request from me that she not contact me at all again.  No texts, calls, mail, nothing. Please God let me remember this and yet find a way to let it all and her go. I can't and I won't do it anymore.

[Andeza]

Sheesh, she loves a good chaos manufacture doesn't she? Maddening behavior. Mine tried it a few times, but I'd sit there and recite every single failed contact attempt until she was left grumbling incoherently. Yours seems to have a bit more of the, uh... well the Queen/Witch dynamic. Rage. Lots and lots of freaking nonsense rage. How do they not get tired of living their lives this way? I'll never figure it out.

If this is what you want, and what's best for you, then by all means, take a picture of what you just wrote on your phone and keep it handy as a reminder. I did that for a bit. Kept a list of all the no good, nasty, worst things she'd ever done and just referenced it anytime I wondered how she was or whatnot. It really helped.

Sorry that things are this way for you, moglow. It's not what you deserve, remember that. You deserved a loving, normal mother. We all did.

[SunnyMeadow]

Her treatment of you and your contact attempts makes me angry. Who does she think she is? She ought to be grateful you were still willing to call her at all. They should all be grateful but are they?  No!! Like Andeza wrote the Queen/Witch and Rage runs strong in them.

What's that saying... play crappy games, win crappy prizes? She earned the no contact prize big time. A person can only be pushed so much, then Done! I'd feel the same way moglow.

I also keep emails from my uNPD mother or things I write about awful experiences with her. I need them for when she's in a good spell and the bad stuff gets fuzzy.

[moglow]

It's pathetic, that she sees all this as her right. She's the mother and that gives her carte blanche to do and say whatever she wants with impunity, no matter how baseless or vile. Push back and step up for yourself and the raging demons come out in force.

I'm sorry y'all get it but glad that you do at the same time. Trying to find my center today, and talking it out helps. I wrote a long unsent letter that I want so badly to send but won't - she doesn't deserve and would only ignore yet another explanation. May be that'll help me set it down.

[SparkStillLit]

Into the septic tank....I love you💜
I'm so sorry that went so horribly. Keep your letter in case she ever trots out a good spell. You can have a peek at that and remind yourself "yeah....NO."
You DID deserve good and normal parenting. You do good for yourself, now. She never will. We got your back. Just chill now and get that live sewage splash-back off you. Take a good you day.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I'm so sorry you've dealt with this so long moglow. It sounds so, so exceedingly painful 

I think it's good you kept that recording. You can listen to it whenever you are starting to feel foggy. I will still aometimes read the last email exchange I had with my M to remind me why contact with her right now at this point is completely useless.

[moglow]

She's so caught up in her current required method of communication that she completely missed the boat - we don't actually communicate. I don't remember the last conversation we had that wasn't centered around her techno-difficulties. Literally, the day after Christmas she went off in a string of texts how she'd not had any response from me in months. No Merry Christmas, hope you had a good day, where did you spend Christmas etc. Just a rant about texts. Then drawn out duscussion about me needing to check my phone - no, I have read receipts that show delivered. I'm good. But she doesn't have them. Okay, get your phone checked. Maybe when you threatened to block me last summer you actually found a way to hide my responses - you were getting them up to then. Which devolves into another rant that that's not what she said. But no. Merry Christmas mother.

Same this week - my birthday was Monday, she sent a text and I responded, asked her a question. No response from her so I called, twice. Then I got the rant about how I need to call at another time, she's having trouble getting around etc. Oh. Well you had told me to call your cell phone (not the home phone, which is cordless by the way) because it's always with you ... But no. Semantics. No conversation - no how was your birthday, did you do anything special. Never did answer my question.

I was with my brother and family several states away last year for niece's wedding, got to meet my new grand niece - mother was livid that I hadn't told her I was going. Okay. I went, the wedding was beautiful, I got to squeeze that baby ... She didn't ask one question, not even about her great granddaughter, didn't mention her by name. Didn't even comment on that 10hr drive it took to get me there, outrunning a hurricane. Nope. I didn't tell her I was going. Well no. Didn't even occur to me. Clearly she's not interested so why ...?


But y'all, even the *way* she addresses it. Talking to me like I'm stupid, the sneering sarcasm "oh you didn't knooooow?" complete with ugly mocking tone of voice. I asked her to stop and let me finish my sentence, "poor baby nobody lets her taaaaaalk." So I stop. "What, now you have nothing to say?!!" I take a breath and try again, interrupted with more condescending contempt.

She just wants a fight. Attention in the repeated phone calls, then she hangs up on me when she gets mad. She's so busy keeping score, tracking that mad from last time, totally misses the boat. It has nothing to do with anything but noise for her. She's truly disconnected from any real relationship. It's entertainment for her. All while she crushes me and shows repeatedly just how little consideration she has for anyone outside herself.

It's a poisonous pit she lives in and I'm glad this morning that I finally evicted myself. Now I just have to get her voice out of my head. I hope I never have to hear it again.

[Hilltop]

Happy birthday Moglow. 

I can't help but read this and be angry for you.  It sounds like your mother is so angry about her own life, she is caught up in her own misery, her own woes and she needs to take that bitterness out on someone and that someone is you.  She doesn't want to ask about your life, of course not, she doesn't want to hear about anything good or nice happening to you or for you.  She is unhappy and she wants you to be unhappy with her.

I would keep that recording so that in future as you may start telling yourself that its ok, a little contact will be ok, you can listen back and remind yourself that its not ok.

The way she speaks to you is not ok.  I think its good that you have taken a step back.  Don't make this about her.  Focus on yourself.  Give yourself time to simply breathe and rest for a while without her bringing you down.  Its not an easy step but hopefully you start to feel some clarity and peace with no contact.

[moglow]

I've fought this for years, tried to convince myself I could make it okay, that I could roll with it, just let her be who she is and it won't affect me. Now all I can do is ask Why. Why have I tried. Why did I hold on so long. Why offer any explanation. She doesn't want to know, refuses to hear it. There's no inkling on any level that any of it -or me, even as a fellow human being- truly matters to her at all. Yet I kept trying to dig down and find it. So many wasted years.
I have to find a way to forgive myself and fight my way forward. It'd be easier if I were mad - I'm numb and just give up. There's not one redeemable quality in that relationship.

[Hilltop]

I hear ya.  I have also spent years thinking it will be ok, just don't react and its better.  You know its not, because I still had to go home and deal with it even though I wasn't reacting to it at the time.  I have also tried to dig down, find that answer that will make things run smoother, the way of acting around them, or what to say/what to not say that may help.  In the end it didn't matter, I watched the final few visits with them acting horrible and not talking about anything and like you simply gave up.

The thing is you talk and they simply blame you, mock you, get angry/defensive, or they cry, it just goes round and round with no ending, there is no resolution.  There is just this behaviour which is hurtful that is always there.  I ended up not saying anything about it and yet the behaviour was still there, I just had to try to ignore it or push it aside.  That doesn't work either.

So I have also given up. I am also trying to forgive myself for not protecting myself sooner.  I am at the point now where I simply can't be bothered trying anymore.  I am at the point where I think they can fix it if they want.  They can search deep within and find the answers and come to me and say we need to talk.  However I know they won't do that, they never have and certainly won't now at their age, they won't heal their old wounds.  However I no longer feel its on me to fix, I haven't been able to fix it so far and I'm middle age so the likelihood of me fixing it is really low.

I cannot do it alone.  I don't want to ignore the behaviour and pretend it doesn't matter because I have already done that and it didn't work for me and so I give up.  The way I see it is that they also have a responsibility to do their bit to get along, I can't make them act another way and if they choose not to act another way I have a choice, stick around and accept it or distance myself.  If sticking around hasn't helped I am left with the option of distancing myself.  What they do with that is up to them.

I hope that you feel that sense of peace that comes with distance.  When all the noise goes and the drama is gone, its just nice and calm.  Although I feel moments of guilt seep in I can't deny that I am calmer without the stress.  For now I have put it back on them, its up to them to fix.  I mean when you think about it why would it be all on me, there are three other people, if something needs to be said, it can be said by one of them. 

Take care of yourself, it isn't an easy time.

[Cat of the Canals]

But y'all, even the *way* she addresses it. Talking to me like I'm stupid, the sneering sarcasm "oh you didn't knooooow?" complete with ugly mocking tone of voice. I asked her to stop and let me finish my sentence, "poor baby nobody lets her taaaaaalk." So I stop. "What, now you have nothing to say?!!" I take a breath and try again, interrupted with more condescending contempt.

Oh my god, how absolutely maddening! I sometimes wonder where they even find the energy to do the things they do? Don't they get exhausted trying to come up with a different nasty thing to say at every turn?

Now all I can do is ask Why. Why have I tried. Why did I hold on so long. Why offer any explanation. She doesn't want to know, refuses to hear it. There's no inkling on any level that any of it -or me, even as a fellow human being- truly matters to her at all.

I think part of it is an almost biological craving for a nurturing mother. We know it exists. We see it all around us. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT???? But I also think you said it there yourself. "even as a fellow human being." Your fellow human beings matter to you. You value them. Appreciate them. See them as individuals, deserving of respect. And you can't help but extend that to her, even though she isn't willing (and possibly isn't capable) of doing the same to you.

So I guess I'm saying that the very fact that you aren't like her is what makes you hold out hope that she could someday show that she does care. I think probably all of us here know that feeling.

[moglow]

Mother appears to have crawled back into her safe place - she did tell brother #2 that I attacked her and demanded that she never contact me again. I let him know I for sure gave her an unwanted earful and definitely asked her to leave me be. She keeps changing the terms of engagement where this is okay, but only when she says so and I have no way of knowing when or what is okay until it isn't. And all the while there's no "communication" because she's so caught up in semantics it never occurs to engage anyone on any but the most superficial level. He, unfortunately, understands all too well - made the comment that she appears to despise these monsters of her own making. She had not one clue how that happened, but it certainly had nothing to do with her. Once again, pointing out that she's the common denominator in all these sad so-called relationships is completely lost on her.

Meh. It's been a peaceful few weeks and I'm recalibrating my center, finding my peace.